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7/21/08

The Restaurant Party Check

So anyway, the other night I went to a party for someone at a restaurant. Dozen+ people or whatever. And I've noticed a familiar pattern with the people at the table.

The check is always a hassle and the same people are always there.

Here's the breakdown of people as I see it:

The Boozer:

The boozer is the guy or girl who orders mixed drinks and keeps them coming pretty much all night. The boozer blindly runs up the check for everybody. Like at a recent party there was wine and sangria served but the boozer was all about 'ketel one martinis' and 'vodka sodas'. I feel more than one mixed drink at a table of people not ordering mixed drinks is kinda rude. There's probably other people at the table who would love to be sucking down vodka as well-- but are drinking sangria with everyone for the sake of the check. The Boozer also may annoyingly push tequila shots on people. Nobody ever wants a shot. Shut up.

The Fancy Appetizer Guy:

Fancy appetizer guy is the guy who proudly orders himself up a shrimp cocktail or something fancy while everyone is ordering salads or nothing at all. Often the Fancy Appetizer guy is unaware that nobody is ordering appetizers or that appetizers are being ordered for the entire table. Sometimes Fancy Appetizer guy looks embarrassed when he sees he's the only one who ordered a fancy appetizer. Sometimes not tho. Sometimes Fancy Appetizer guy is just some dick taking advantage of a big-check situation. And no, nobody wants one of your 4 shrimp. Don't ask.

The Salad-Only Girl:

Salad-Only girl is some chick who has decided that she wants throw off the rhythm of the table by ordering "just a salad". Perhaps so she can be the person at the end of the night who can declare, 'I just had a salad!' A pre-emptive defensive move for the check or something? I've noticed that Salad-Only girl is usually very annoying to all the other women at the table.

The Leaver-Earlies:

The Leaver-Earlies usually bail out right around or after appetizers. These people usually throw down $20 or $40 and claims they have somewhere to be. Often the Leaver-Earlies are new parents or self-declared work-aholics or dicks. Or all three. The Leaver-Earlies usually end up putting down less than what they owe by $20 or $40. Often Leaver-Earlies feel they are smarter than everyone by leaving early.

The Blackberry Jerk:

Put your blackberry away, jerk.

Asshole Guy:

Uch! What's with that dude? Is he an asshole or something?

The Late Entree Loser:

Usually all the entrees come out at once-- except for one. The Late Entree Loser. Often this person's order has been totally missed and the waiter rushes to get the order in apologizing up and down to the Entree Comes Late Loser. He or she sometimes tries to force everyone to start eating and not wait for him. And everyone at the table is like, 'Uch! What a late entree loser!'

The Adamant Start-Eating Refuser:

This person absolutely refuses to start eating until all entrees are brought out. I guess this could be seen as a noble effort at good manners-- but I think it's just silly. Just eat. It's a big table. Who cares. Plus, that guy with no dinner in front of him is obviously a loser who can't even order without it getting all screwed up. Screw him.

Chocolate Panter Chick:

This chick pants over any chocolate dessert on the menu. As long as the word chocolate is in the description it's immediately delicious. She'll say, 'MMmm that sounds so delicious!'

The Anyone Else Want A Coffee? Guy:

This overly sensitive person seems to need confirmation from the whole table to order a cup of coffee. He'll ask, Is anyone else having coffee? It's like, just order your stupid coffee! Nobody cares if you order a coffee or not at this point because the check is already out of control.

---------------------------------------------

Then the check arrives and it's ominously placed on the table.

Usually it's way high-- and these people appear:

The Hey! I Don't Know How to Add Anything So Don't Look at Me! Guy:

This guy immediately relieves his responsibility to handle the check by proudly declaring he does no know how to add. This guy is usually myself.

The Controller Chicks:

More often than not the check math responsibility ends up with a couple girls who work as a team. I'm not sure if this is the best idea because everyone knows that girls are terrible at math.

The Where's the Nearest ATM? Dude:

At this point some dude or chick will realize they have no money and ask where the nearest ATM is. These people are annoying as they're going to a dinner party and they should just bring cash! No, not all 14 of us are handing over credit cards to split the tab.

The I Only Have $47 Dollar On Me Guy:

This guy only has $47 and he asks the table if that is enough for him-- which it is usually most certainly not as this person is often also Fancy Appetizer guy.

------------------------

Then the Controller Chicks finally announce how much everyone owes and everyone feels they are putting in way more than expected. Let's say everybody all of a sudden everyone owes $85 or something.

Then the Controller Chicks add up they cash and announce the table is short. This is because of the Boozer and the Leaver-Earlies. Then these people appear:

The Contribution Declaration Person:

This person makes a show of letting everyone know that they've already put in $90 so everyone knows that they're not the person who maybe only put in $80 or even $60. This person will repeat their contribution amount many times.

Extra Five Guy:

This guy makes a grand gesture of throwing in an extra five to start the ball rolling on extra money. However, extra five guy doesn't realize that extra five guy isn't really solving any problems with his extra five.

Check Re-Adder Guy:

Check Re-adder Guy is usually some pissed off dude at the table who can't believe the check is hundreds and hundreds of dollars and he needs to add the check for himself. Check Re-Adder guy is wasting his time because on big checks you're never gonna know if its right. This person usually gets snapped at by the Controller Chicks who are insulted by the idea that they can't add up the check properly. This stems from girls being overly sensitive of their math skills.

Where Are We Going Next? Guy:

This person is the person who wants to keep going after the dinner ends and accuses people of being 'old' if they want to just go home. This person is usually The Boozer and everyone is sick of his crap and certainly don't want to sit at a bar where he out drinks you 3 for 1 and then can't understand how the bar tab got so high. At this point, he's usually realizes lost his cellphone.

Anyway that's that.

Here's my suggestion for people who go to dinner parties.

My take is I don't think people should leave early. You're in or your out. I don't think anyone should order the most expensive things on the menu. And people should be prepared to pay more than they owe. If people can't stand the idea of this then they shouldn't go to dinner parties. Because everyone gets screwed by the check at the end of the night. Usually thanks to The Boozer.

Uch! Another long post. Sorry if I've been overwriting stupid stuff since I started this blog thing.

ok bye!
tOdd

50 Comments:

Anonymous Batman said...

First?! anyway, i like the longer posts. they are more fun to read

7/21/2008 7:23 AM  
Anonymous Person at table said...

I read your post and I know who I am

7/21/2008 7:43 AM  
Blogger Jake said...

I love the longer stuff todd, keep it comin'!

7/21/2008 8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do a cartoon of this. It would be so damn funny.

7/21/2008 9:15 AM  
Blogger Vincent said...

Is it really the Late Entree Loser's fault that the restaurant screwed up their order?

Also, what about the kind of people who always seem to insist on paying the check? My mother or aunt or some other older relative will always insist that they pay the check, and I don't understand why people just don't give in and accept the free meal. Maybe it's just my family.

7/21/2008 9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, pay for what you ate/drank, put it 15% for the tip and GET OUT!

--c

7/21/2008 9:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girls are terrible at math, huh? How about figuring the check out yourself, you sexist bastard.

7/21/2008 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about separate checks? I don't care if it disrupts some sort of "communal" feeling for the dinner, I'm going to ask for separate checks. Most wait staff are fine with that.

Then, end of evening, everyone gets their check, pays what they owe, tips what they feel like, and all sorts of hard feelings are avoided.

Way too many times I've been stung by people who are a combination of Boozer Guy and Fancy Appetizer Guy, with me ending up subsidizing their dinner. Nope, ain't happening again.

7/21/2008 10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whats wrong with wanting to hang out after dinner? I don't see any problem with that, especially if you are single.

7/21/2008 10:36 AM  
Blogger Odd Todd said...

Just kidding bout late entree guy. And girls and math. I can't realy talk about math...

7/21/2008 10:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. This long post kicked ass!

2. I agree with the above, a cartoon of your blogs would be damn funnay.

3. "Girls are terrible at math" - ohhh man, do you enjoy hate mail?

4. Separate checks are the key. I know from experience, it's more work as a waiter, but it typically generates a better tip overall. When people have to pay for the deadbeats in the crowd, it's the tip that often suffers the most on the big checks. Not to mention what it can do to save your friendships. Even if the majority wants one check, let them go for it and get a separate check anyway. You'll be glad you did.

7/21/2008 10:49 AM  
Anonymous MsM said...

Who invites people to a dinner party at a restaurant? What happened to dinner parties where someone has a room big enough to set up a table & chairs, makes something or calls a caterer, and serves a dinner? Then people sit around & talk for 90 minutes & go home?

7/21/2008 11:15 AM  
Blogger Alex said...

I hate this. The same thing would happen with me and my friends when we'd go out. Your descriptions are pretty much spot-on.

Always always ask for separate checks. It's not a big deal for the waiter/waitress (most prefer it because they end up with better tips) and solves a ton of headaches.

7/21/2008 11:46 AM  
Anonymous weeze said...

First! To say FIRST AND that's why i like to stay home.

7/21/2008 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I go out, I'm "Separate Check Guy." That dude that everyone at the table thinks is a dick 'cause he doesn't wanna play ball, but secretly admires for having the nads to ask the waitress to split his bill off from the drunken hoard.

7/21/2008 12:22 PM  
Blogger *LiAnNe* said...

Yeah, I always insist on the separate check myself as well. That way nobody can "accuse" me of anything. And anyway, most of those dinner party people are snobs, that's why there's so many "annoying types" of people at the table. "Fancy Appetizer Guy" and "Leaver Earlies" are just specific types of snobs.

7/21/2008 12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me guess - you don't get asked out much, Find Fault With Everything Guy.

7/21/2008 12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot the tip. Usually the bill comes up short because people forget to add in the tip. (In my group anyways.) Then they argue over how much to tip. Cheapskates or loser entree guy (might have a good reason) will say that the service wasn't that good. Then "Used to be a waiter" guy will argue that everyone was a pain in the ass and she deserves at least 20%. Overall I think restaurants are too much trouble. I'd rather cook at home or get take out.

7/21/2008 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/21/2008 12:58 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

I can't believe people thought tODD was serious about blaming the guy with the late dinner and girls with math. IT IS A JOKE PEOPLE

7/21/2008 12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think a combined dinner is fine but everyone should run their own bar tab....

7/21/2008 1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MSM - You said, "Who invites people to a dinner party at a restaurant?"

Clearly you don't live in NYC. When your studio apartment has room for a bed and two folding chairs you are going to head out to eat with friends.

7/21/2008 1:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SNOOOOOOOOOZEFEST.

7/21/2008 2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I go out with my friends it seems to turn into a contest to make sure you aren't the guy who under-orders. Of course this means the meal ends up being twice as expensive than it would normally. I still remember the time one of the girls was screaming "I'm not going to pay $150 when all I had was a hamburger!"

You could also go the credit card roulette route to make things interesting.

7/21/2008 2:26 PM  
Anonymous John "Freakin'" Kennedy said...

I am jealous! I am the "sits at home eating frozen dinners because I have no friends" guy. I would gladly pay extra just to be invited. Just as long as my total isn't more than $7. That's all I got until allowance day.

7/21/2008 2:40 PM  
Anonymous HamSandwichLover said...

Was there ham?

7/21/2008 3:24 PM  
Anonymous The Cock said...

The trick to credit card roulette is have a crazy looking credit card with colors because haitresses always pick the more standard looking ones.

7/21/2008 3:36 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

If I'm a salad girl and a mixed drink chick, does that even things out for when the check arrives?

7/21/2008 3:39 PM  
Anonymous phxazgrrl said...

I like the long posts, todd.

OMG, I have been in that situation so often. Actually, I will avoid those kinds of big gatherings if I can. I really can't stand them. They make me so uncomfortable, worrying about the bill, that I don't even get to enjoy my friends' company.

The last time was my friend's birthday party, and she and her husband ended up paying for everyone.

My husband and I ordered:
an appetizer
a bottle of wine (for us)
a SALAD (me but im not annoying, i SWEAR)
he sent his steak back (most expensive item on menu)
AND CHOCOLATE DESSERT

We thought we'd pay our share, but our friends paid for everyone. embarrassing. Well, we paid them back by taking them out to our favorite fancy restaurant, so at least we redeemed ourselves.

7/21/2008 3:40 PM  
Anonymous Marshall Steve said...

Cut down on /your typing long posts! Don't you have shit to do?!!!!/? Do a cartoon or something lazy fuck!!!!!!!/!!

7/21/2008 3:41 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

HA! I'm the Chocolate Panter Chick for sure. :-)

7/21/2008 6:06 PM  
Blogger zedek said...

I love the long posts too, tOdd.

I can't believe how expensive that meal was. I would have to leave after the round of waters were delivered and skip over to the Micky D's.

7/21/2008 6:20 PM  
Blogger crazy wet americans said...

i love the long blogs. write more. also i went to a dinner party JUST LAST NIGHT where all these things happened. i ordered a fancy appetizer, my friend left early, one guy didnt get his meal on time, one other guy wanted everyone to wait for him to eat, and 2 chicks split the bill for everyone. we ended up paying only 5$ more than our actual bill, because the table wine (which neither my husband nor i drank) was split into the cost. all in all i thought, not too bad. ;) just so you know, chicago has it too. ;)

7/21/2008 6:31 PM  
Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

Boy this sounds complicated. I'm glad I don't have any friends.

7/21/2008 7:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not sure why I think this, but after reading this post, I thought to myself, what is up with odd todd? doesn't seem like his writing style. what is up with odd todd?

7/21/2008 7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So true and funny Todd! You should definitely make a cartoon of this!

7/21/2008 9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just moved to NC from NH. So weird, the servers almost insist on splitting checks. They will even split them weird ways like if you share nachos or other yummy things.

7/21/2008 9:56 PM  
Anonymous hebba said...

Hey, my cell phone has an excellent tip calculator / split the check feature that everyone should use at such a function!!

7/21/2008 10:26 PM  
Anonymous jollyroger said...

Todd,

I like the long blogs. Keep 'em coming.

You forgot one dinner party guest.
I call him, "Where's My Change? Guy".

After a Controller Chick announces what everyone owes -- in dollars and cents (not sure why she doesn't just round up, but that's another issue), this guy puts down an amount less than a dollar over the announced amount and then asks, "Where's My Change?". No lie, this actually happened following a lunch with work people. The per person cost was $25.50 and this guy put down $26 and wanted his two freaking quarters back. Maybe he needed them for his laundry fund. How cheap can you be?

7/22/2008 1:27 AM  
Anonymous Al said...

Sometimes you type lame shit and this was just a case of that buck up camper!!

7/22/2008 8:33 AM  
Anonymous rather eat w small crowds said...

LMAO -- This post is SPOT ON !! Makes me want to print this and bring it to the next dinner party.

We also have the 'CreditCard Guy' the one who takes all the accumulated cash and pays on the charge card for points, but worse, usually makes more money by undertipping on the card.
I guess this makes me controller chick ...

7/22/2008 11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no advice, I think you're funny! And the girls can't do math made me laugh out loud, and I'm a girl.

I like it tOdd! Keep 'em coming!

7/22/2008 12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's why I'm usually the Boozer...

7/22/2008 2:43 PM  
Anonymous paul said...

long is great. Now, another group business lunch dinner problem guy:

the embezzler.. he collects money from everyone, puts the whole lunch/dinner on his CC then expenses the entire check at his office.

7/22/2008 8:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/22/2008 9:49 PM  
Anonymous weeze said...

last!!!

7/23/2008 4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

test

7/23/2008 4:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where is the "Crappy Tip Guy"?? There is always that one guy who tips 2 bucks regardless of the total.
Love this post tOdd!!!!
PS LOVE the Chicks Who Can't Add...I am one!

7/23/2008 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That woman who got upset because you said women have poor math skills needs to lighten up. Women are so sensitive. When do you ever hear men complain about the constant bashing we hear about us? It's like, who cares. Lighten up!

7/25/2008 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're right. We men are embattled heroes, nobly struggling on against the terrible defamation and prejudice we face. We suffer the insults in silence, while those whiny broads can't stop complaining.

Maybe one day we'll be equal, and we'll be able to do whatever job we want to and make as much money as women, who control the world and complain a lot.

1/26/2009 6:45 PM  

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