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8/26/08

The Usual Gay Suspect

So I'm into my 30's. Single. Seemingly incapable or uninterested in maintaining a long-term relationship. "Artsy". Not too good at or too into sports. I guess some of my mannerisms could be unique-ish. I talk with my hands alot. I'm lanky. I admit I like Justin Timberlake. I dig gossip. Read Us. I have a dog that needs haircuts. I have an "alternative" lifestyle. Etc. So I'm not surprised if some people now and then suspect that I might be top secretly gay.

I guess I would have suspicions about me if I didn't know me that well. (It only bothers me if some random girl thinks that-- and it's a girl I want to be un-gay with). But now and then someone sort of implies that it would be "ok" for me to finally come out of the closet. They let me know that they'd be totally cool with it if I outted myself. That I shouldn't worry what they think.

Like recently, a married friend who I haven't seen in a good while hung out. And at some point he started saying stuff like, "I went to a gay wedding recently and it was totally cool, man." And, "I think they're great you know... Gay people." I could tell the conversation was tiptoeing around, "Dude, if you're gay-- I'm comfortable with it. You don't have to hide and stuff."

Umm... It's like, 'Thanks?'

Sure, there's a defensiveness that goes up when someone accuses me of being secretly gay-- but it's the same sort of defensiveness that goes up whenever anyone assumes that I'm something that I'm not.

I'm really not insulted when people might be suspicious of my unmarried often-single 30-something well-mannered self. (It probably throws them off extra because I'm so friggin handsome and smart). And I guess it's ok for people to let me know that they'd be comfortable with it. That's nice. But I guess what I do find insulting is the idea that at this point in my life, they think I'd still be hiding in some closet secretly sneaking around and too embarrassed to admit who I am. Maintaining some social charade by dating girls and talking about boobs every other sentence-- to guard my top secret secret?

At the very least I think they'd know that I simply don't have the energy or motivation to run any kind of double life. I barely pull it together to run one.

Yadda, I'm sure people will read into this and assume I'm totally gay just for mentioning not being gay or talking about gay stuff all gay. Or people may even think I'm super subconsciously unaware of my own gaydom. Uh huh. That would have to run pretty deep because my private time all-alone top fantasy involves a harem of girls dressed up in little Jeannie outfits and me wearing nothing but a crown on my head and a whistle around my neck.

But whatever! It actually feels kinda coolio to finally out myself as not gay instead of just ignoring the questionable rainbow colored elephant in the room. Two snaps up and fierce!

ok bye!
tOdd

61 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't fret about it. They are probably just lealous and try to attach that title to you. You are free from the crap that boggs them down. I am divorced and have been single for over 5 years and not attached. Besides, have you seen most of the womena nd how they act today. You would have to be gay to be attrated to most of them. Very few real women out there. Don't worry, she will come into your life when the time is right. It's not something you have control over anyway. And actually, most of the peeps who try to put that lable on you are really telling you more about themselves than you really want to know.

8/26/2008 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have the same problem. Late 30's no evidence of interest in women, no interest in sports, bake excellent scones, grow flowers etc etc. Of course people are going to think I'm gay. I'd rather they think that than know the truth, i.e. I'm just too poor to afford to take a girl on a date. Better ambiguous sexuality than LOSER.

8/26/2008 9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 40 y/o very single gal with short hair and a dog, I prefer boots to high heels and power tools over pocketbooks, and no, I'm not gay.

8/26/2008 10:51 AM  
Anonymous DigDug said...

homo.

8/26/2008 10:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh--too funny!! It's ironic because my older girl friends that aren't married (myself included) don't really get the 'are you gay' vibes; we get the 'why aren't you married and have kids' vibes. Funny to see the gender differences in how society perceives unmarried men and women over the age of 30.

8/26/2008 10:58 AM  
Anonymous illbill said...

What's the whistle for???????????

8/26/2008 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Todd, I totally hear you. I get this a lot too. But you know, it just means that girls let their guard down more easily when they think you're gay and not going to grab their boobs should the opportunity arise...

8/26/2008 11:07 AM  
Anonymous BUBB RUBB said...

THE WHISTLES GO WOOOOOO!!!!

8/26/2008 11:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

as (a female) someone who has the pleasure of knowing you outside of this virtual world, i can say that i've never, for a moment, thought you were gay... a bit dOrky sure, but not gay. i say, go get roscoe a fancy black leather spiked collar and keep'em guessing. lol.

8/26/2008 11:16 AM  
Blogger John said...

LOL!! Great Post! It's interesting, with the divorce rate being (over?) 50%, people (usually married people) still don't understand how a person can still be single in his 30's or 40's (like me).

Anywho, you should do a 'toon about the harem of Jeannie girls and you with the crown and whistle!!

8/26/2008 11:19 AM  
Anonymous Roger said...

My gaydar is going wild!!!!

8/26/2008 11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been with you and NEVER once thought that you might be GAY.
NEVER.
you need a new group of friends or your friends need a life OddTodd.
I think you are hot hot hot and wished I lived in NY.

8/26/2008 11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/26/2008 11:38 AM  
Anonymous THE REAL WEEZE said...

GREAT POST TODD FIRST TO SAY FIRST BITCHFACES!!!!

8/26/2008 11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I visit your website often and I never got the impression you were gay !! Those brown cords WITH pleats, hairy chest and crocs say it all.

8/26/2008 11:59 AM  
Anonymous Allie said...

It is the guys who act super straight that are usually on the DL.

FYI

8/26/2008 12:00 PM  
Anonymous Allie said...

And it is so true that you dress terrible aka not gay

8/26/2008 12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think my husband is gay

8/26/2008 12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go get some boobs in the face, stat!

8/26/2008 12:23 PM  
Blogger Refflection said...

oh what a delicious subject. i'm one of those super annoying people that thinks EVERYONE is secretly gay (or bi, more accurately) and they just need some encouraging. and don't worry, i've taken plenty of heat for suggesting it! so i don't do it anymore. but i still think so 8)

and btw, i'm un-secretly gay.. bi... queer.... non-straight.

8/26/2008 12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's obvious you take it in the pooper.

8/26/2008 12:51 PM  
Anonymous Smelly james said...

I think its annoying that gay people assume straight people are 30% gay or something. Some of us aren't in denial, gay people!!! Some of us are just 100% STRAIGHT! Just like some of you are 100% GAY!

And todd I think that friend might have been hitting on you. He sounds like 30% gay.

8/26/2008 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We've seen pictures of your apartment... No self-respecting gay man would live like that.

8/26/2008 1:37 PM  
Anonymous C. Ways said...

Seriously todd you have no sense of fashion and no sense of design. You probably use ivory soap. Only a straight person would mistake you for gay.

8/26/2008 1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a cousin like you. Everyone thought she was gay until she got married. I hear she just got divorced because she just realized she was gay. You will know when it is your time to come out.

8/26/2008 2:02 PM  
Blogger ThinWomanTryingToGetOut said...

Why are people so quick to slap a label on another person? I realize we're hard-wired to do that, but come on! We're like, supposed to be smarter than our evolutionary pulls by now??? Aren't we?
Why can't people just be people and express themselves however they do and be accepted as they are. Male or female, stop the labels!!

People...people who need people...are the blahbityblahblah, blah blah blah.... :D

8/26/2008 2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a Jeannie costume, Todd, AND I dig you in a major not-gay (I am a girl) way.

I am not putting my usual name here because I don't want you to know who I am ... although you probably already do.

Yumm-a-go-go

8/26/2008 2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was considered gay at this assembly job once. Lots of women worked there and many of them tried to convert me to a "strait" lifestyle. I have never gotten so many boobs in my face in my life. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be considered gay. Work it to your advantage! Think outside the box. :)okfzxopg

8/26/2008 3:09 PM  
Anonymous CJ said...

Not all gay people like Justin Timberlake and rainbows, Todd.

8/26/2008 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe dropping the Crocs would help the perception issue.

8/26/2008 3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll be #2 in your "Jeannie harem". How many more do we need to make this work?

8/26/2008 4:09 PM  
Anonymous Allen Q said...

FACT: If you wear crocs you are instantly gay. There is something in the plastic that seeps into the genes. Fact.

8/26/2008 4:25 PM  
Anonymous Mike Dallas said...

I can't believe there are people out there that don't believe that people can be born gay. Meet my 4year old nephew and your mind will change because he was gay the day he stepped out of the vagina!!!!!

8/26/2008 4:28 PM  
Anonymous stef said...

Todd to you know how easy it would be for you to get a lady friend at this age? this is the time when all the chicks are divorcing because their men are going for hot 20 year olds. which means that not only are you the prime target for said 20 year olds (you know, the ones that want an older established man who wants to settle down) but you're also the target for all the lonely milfs! Todd you're covered for WHENEVER you decide to go steady. However if I were you, I would just keep playing the field and getting dates and bewbs in your face with no long term attachments. You have Rosco for that.

8/26/2008 5:10 PM  
Anonymous wiize said...

yes, I suppose a decade is pretty long term in this society... good luck finding a woman who will stick around that long

8/26/2008 5:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well you did just spend a week in San Francisco. . . just kidding. But from what you said I don't think your friend was suggesting you were gay.

8/26/2008 6:38 PM  
Anonymous hebba said...

what does it say about me that I dated 3 different guys who turned out to be gay?

8/26/2008 7:38 PM  
Anonymous wiize said...

Maybe they weren't gay until they dated you.

8/26/2008 8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL

ok, thoughts:

-if you in fact listed the 'gay criteria' I'm a total gay rainbow lovin' single mom. (delete dog, replace with 2 cats) heh

-we can be gay together Rosenpants.

-Add me to the harem

you know though, you did have that short-lived interest in turtlenecks and sweatervests...
(shifty look)
is there someth....


yup, I'd still do ya.

-jo, who is artsy, gossipy, loves Future Sex Lovesounds and puppies.

8/26/2008 9:25 PM  
Blogger DTMom said...

for the record a man can be in his 30s & not married just because your not doesnt mean your Gay ,,,, but then again i do know a lot of gay men ( up i work in a gay bar ) a lot of them are into boobs i have a friend who just wants to touch mine every time he sees me .. but so what who cares what they think just be yourself ...

8/26/2008 10:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha, I get the same "It's ok if you're gay" thing from my parents. They think I should've have a serious boyfriend by now, and I must be a lesbian if I haven't. Did I mention I'm only 18? "Why aren't you married yet?" is right around the corner...

8/26/2008 11:06 PM  
Anonymous MsM said...

A couple things, Todd, Do not take up flower arranging, collecting antique dolls, or showing cats. Even if for a moment you have a strange obsession to do one of those things, FIGHT IT!

8/26/2008 11:17 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

I don't think I'd be into a poly relationship with the whole harem thing, but I think you're totally datable. =)

8/26/2008 11:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Odd Todd = Gayser Söze

8/27/2008 2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

10-4

8/27/2008 3:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like you found your harem. Or was it always there all along?

8/27/2008 4:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I was going to tell you a big long story, but, screw it lets get anonymously confessional---
I'm 48 and in the early 80's I tried out dude sex for the same types of reasons you outlined and because my girlfriend who I was madly in love with, said I was just "too sexual" and too into art and poetry etc. so she assumed I MUST be gay.Now, since it was the early eighties and aids hadn't reared it's ugly head AND everybody still remembered David Bowie in a dress screaming gayness to get press...I did it and it was a physiological failure limporama impotence extreme equaling not gay,but, instead me accepting that I'm a pretty interesting and intense kind of character. In the 90's I moved into an apartment on Ave. A between 13th and 14th it was a blast for about 4 years, wonderous, unhampered debauchery, then the gay moniker once again was attached to me. And I can tell you it's time to get out of NYC when that happens---soon people will be fixing you up with chicks that just got out of insane asylums, or preop tranvestites. Really, move to San Fran and start an advertising agency(more hetro action than any man can handle)move to Vegas and have a series of stripper affairs or move to San Diego, live in Pacific Beach and learn how to surf OR stay in NYC marry any chick without even loving her so your closet-square friends can breathe a sigh of relief...it's the 21'st century bro you can be oddtodd superstar any where you want. PEACE

8/27/2008 4:40 AM  
Blogger Calitar said...

This probably isn't going to help, but I got lots of questions like that (mostly as a teenager though). Then one day I realized that I'm bi...maybe you are too. j/k :)

8/27/2008 11:25 AM  
Anonymous Adamant said...

Girls definitely have an easier time being bi

8/27/2008 1:10 PM  
Anonymous JaniBalto said...

I think Todd gets way more girls than he tells us about. In fact, I only remember one and that was like 4 years ago.

Yep, Todd is a man-tramp, I bet. ;)

8/27/2008 2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tOdd, you are only with out a chick because you keep pointing out you have an "alternate" life style.
These days that is taken to mean I sleep around and most likely have something you don't wanna catch.
Scares off most girls really fast.
Quit using that term so losely, save it for a time when you find a swinger partner.

8/27/2008 3:31 PM  
Anonymous John X said...

This is the straightest thing I've ever read

8/28/2008 12:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's this liittle thing women created called "yaoi." It's the female alternate equivelent of guys who like lesbians. There are lots of women who secretly think that every guy who is either hot or not an asshole is gay until proven otherwise. They think that all close male friends are closer than they let on. I went to highschool with about 50 of them.

8/28/2008 5:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/28/2008 6:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

8/28/2008 6:07 PM  
Blogger Chaos Mom said...

i totally get it. to all outward appearances, i'm a big dyke. except that i'm married, have a son, and don't like girls. i've even been called a liar to my face when i said i wasn't gay. my son has said he's surprised i'm not gay. even I'M surprised i'm not gay. i am very UNgirly. i buy all my clothes at the boy's section of walmart, i ask for tools for my birthday, i swear like a trucker, and i guess i just have that Gay Vibe, yanno? except, honestly, i'm not gay. so, maybe i throw ppl's Gaydar way off. whatever. again, like you, the only reason i get offended is that i don't like people assuming it's something i'm not, regardless of what that something is. also, why do people have such a NEED to know if someone is gay or not? why is it so important to everyone that people "come out"?

8/28/2008 6:45 PM  
Anonymous ShItForBra!ns said...

Try being a totally staight dude into Glam Rock in the 70's.
And today.

8/29/2008 2:41 PM  
Blogger Regan said...

You're doing the George Clooney I'll never get married thang. But without the constant sex with various hot women bit.

Lol. Dude. WHO CARES what anyone thinks. I'm single and in my 30s and LOVING the freedom.

Just be glad people aren't assuming you're a child molester or animal fucker. If THAT starts happening...then I'd TRULY worry.

Otherwise...who gives two snaps and a head shake?

8/29/2008 7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, but if you're with someone they ask why you're not married. If you're married they ask why you don't have kids yet.

8/30/2008 7:43 PM  
Blogger Purple Chemical Baby said...

Todd, you don't seem Gay to me - your friends seem like complete and utter arses, having to label and classify everything.

Anyone who knew you would know you aren't gay - you are simply love boobs too much and are the world's number one boob fan.

Ignore them, there are down-sides to marriage at an early age such as not having fun before settling down - which may even lead to an early break-up/infidelity.
It's best to spend the least money on (multiple) marriages and divorces isn't it?

If ever you are going to the UK, contact me, I can give you a great tour!

9/03/2008 1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what, I'm so with you on that one. I'm 31 and have had two serious (and hellish) relationships with women I thought would make great wives. After the absolutely psycho-brutal second breakup I've kinda given up. I'm just happier single. That plus I don't want kids. I've been talked about in the office as "the secretly gay one" once or twice. Screw it. Let 'em think what they want.

9/17/2008 6:50 PM  

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