Dear Almost John Turturro,

I was walking down the street the other day and you were walking toward me. My first thought was, ‘Whoa! Lookat! It’s John Turturro! Barton Fink in the flesh! Right thar! The Jesus!’ But as you got closer I started to get some doubts about you being John Turturro exactly. So close though! Almost him!

I worked your image in my head trying to line up your face with Turturro’s face to double check. Like some sort of brainial FBI face tracking recognition thing. The eyes are exact! [ding!] So is the hair! [ding!] An expression that is half-annoyed, half-sad! [ding!] But the nose is off … Maybe a little bigger or something? Slightly? But still maybe?

When we were about to cross paths you gave me a look that said you were indeed not John Turturro. The very tired look that you’ve probably given a thousand people a thousand times. No– I’m not him. Please avert your eyes if you think I’m him. I’m not.

I thought about how it must suck for you to be Almost John Turturro, Almost John Turturro. Not because John Turturro is a bad looking guy– but for the most part I gotta guess that people don’t know him by name. Only face first. Is that guy maybe the butler from Mr. Deeds or something? Transformers dick?

How often do you get stopped and asked if you’re… What’s his face… from that movie with… whats his face…ummm…? And how many times do you have to say, ‘I know what you’re thinking. And I’m not John Turturro.’ And then (worst of all) people say back to you, ‘Who’s John Turturro??’ And you know they’re thinking of pre-fat Harold Ramis circa 1987. And then they walk away in disappointment mumbling something about a new Ghostbusters movie.

It probably isn’t always bad to look like a celebrity. It probably doesn’t suck if you’re Almost Julia Roberts. And I have a cousin who is Almost Howard Stern and he laughs when he gets calls of ‘Howwardd!’ on the street and he’ll actually take photos with people. He has a good time with it— Almost John Turturro is neither here nor there, right?

That must be the suckiest part for you, Almost John Turturro. The vague feeling of disappointment you get every time you’re sort of half-recognized… and then people realize you’re not him but almost him (whoever him is) kinda sorta. Leaving most people with the annoying task of trying to place your face in the first place.

I’m sorry, Almost Turturro, if I gave you that disappointed look too. You really are so very almost. But maybe brighten up to avoid the confusion?– because your hangdog expression doesn’t help distinguish you from him– but I guess controlling that trait would be difficult under the circumstances.

ok bye!

tOdd

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