July 02 2011

An Open Letter to Almost John Turturro

Dear Almost John Turturro,

I was walking down the street the other day and you were walking toward me. My first thought was, ‘Whoa! Lookat! It’s John Turturro! Barton Fink in the flesh! Right thar! The Jesus!’ But as you got closer I started to get some doubts about you being John Turturro exactly. So close though! Almost him!

I worked your image in my head trying to line up your face with Turturro’s face to double check. Like some sort of brainial FBI face tracking recognition thing. The eyes are exact! [ding!] So is the hair! [ding!] An expression that is half-annoyed, half-sad! [ding!] But the nose is off … Maybe a little bigger or something? Slightly? But still maybe?

When we were about to cross paths you gave me a look that said you were indeed not John Turturro. The very tired look that you’ve probably given a thousand people a thousand times. No– I’m not him. Please avert your eyes if you think I’m him. I’m not.

I thought about how it must suck for you to be Almost John Turturro, Almost John Turturro. Not because John Turturro is a bad looking guy– but for the most part I gotta guess that people don’t know him by name. Only face first. Is that guy maybe the butler from Mr. Deeds or something? Transformers dick?

How often do you get stopped and asked if you’re… What’s his face… from that movie with… whats his face…ummm…? And how many times do you have to say, ‘I know what you’re thinking. And I’m not John Turturro.’ And then (worst of all) people say back to you, ‘Who’s John Turturro??’ And you know they’re thinking of pre-fat Harold Ramis circa 1987. And then they walk away in disappointment mumbling something about a new Ghostbusters movie.

It probably isn’t always bad to look like a celebrity. It probably doesn’t suck if you’re Almost Julia Roberts. And I have a cousin who is Almost Howard Stern and he laughs when he gets calls of ‘Howwardd!’ on the street and he’ll actually take photos with people. He has a good time with it— Almost John Turturro is neither here nor there, right?

That must be the suckiest part for you, Almost John Turturro. The vague feeling of disappointment you get every time you’re sort of half-recognized… and then people realize you’re not him but almost him (whoever him is) kinda sorta. Leaving most people with the annoying task of trying to place your face in the first place.

I’m sorry, Almost Turturro, if I gave you that disappointed look too. You really are so very almost. But maybe brighten up to avoid the confusion?– because your hangdog expression doesn’t help distinguish you from him– but I guess controlling that trait would be difficult under the circumstances.

ok bye!

tOdd

17

Nico says:

FIRST!!! EAT A DICK WEEEZE

Anonymous says:

LOVE JOHN TURTURRO.

Anonymous says:

LOVE HIM RIGHT IN HIS STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE

Anonymous says:

You gold teeth, gold chain wearing, fried chicken and biscuit eating, monkey, ape, baboon, big thigh, fast running, high jumping, spear chucking, three-hundred-and-sixty-degree basketball dunking, titsoon, spade, Moulyan. Take your fucking piece of pizza and go the fuck back to Africa.

Nate says:

I look very much like someone well known and the only thing it is to me is annoying. While on vacation last winter, at least once a day every day I had someone bother me. Even while eating lunch. I mean damn it, even if I was this person, how about having the common courtesy to not bother someone while they are trying to eat.

And to me, John Turturro will always be Roland T Flakfizer in Brain Donors.

The greatest trick the devil ever played says:

Maybe it really was John Turturro, and he’s such a great actor that he convinced you it wasn’t him.

John T says:

Enjoyed this. Happy 4th Odd One.

Gary says:

I live on the UES and have seen John Turtorro on two separate occasions on the 6 subway! I didn’t bug him either time but it was definitely him!

My Butt Here says:

I most likely was him, clebrities rarely look like they do on screen ot TV due to the fact their in real light, not wearing makeup, no hair done or special clothing that offsets light to enhance features and supress others. No wide angle zoom lens, Kodak 70mm film with filters and editing special effects with airbrush. They really have to have their acting shine through all that. That’s what a producer looks for, not the look, but will it shine. That’s what makes a star.

Lorelei says:

Poor Almost John Turturro!

THE REAL WEEZE says:

YESS BITTCHESSS!!!! ARLEADY FORTH OF JULY AND I AM FIRRSSTTT BITCCHESS INDEPENTENSE DAY AND THE REAL WEEZE IS STILLLLFIRSSTT BITCCHESS!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 😉

Nico says:

DIE WEEZE DIE A FROM A PAINFUL PROLAPSED ANUS

Olive says:

My brother is almost Giovanni Ribisi

Anonymous says:

i wanna see your howard stern cousin. i dont believe it.

Anonymous says:

Damn! Put me in my place.

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