October 11 2010

Dave Matthews Crash Anti-Snore Flashback

Yadda yadda anyway, years ago I don’t really remember what I was doing or where I was but I ended up in a hotel room out of town with a guy friend of mine– and we were sharing the one king sized bed because it was the only room the hotel had left. (I know how that sounds. Yadda joke joke it up yadda ha ha yah yah got it. Whatever etc).

Anyway, this guy was a snorer. Big time. Huge loud window rattler. We had both been boozing and I was exhausted. I couldn’t even come close to falling asleep. His pattern was so inconsistent. Loud, soft, nothing, LOUD, snort, soft, snoozy, nothing, SNORT! SNORT! LOUD LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft snort. I remember desperately trying to leap through the ‘moments of silence’ windows– but he’d always start up again snagging my ankle just before I could leap to sleepyland. No pillow or sidekick assault was victorious for very long. He’d get back to drunkass snoring soon enough. I was going mental….

Finally I turned on the hotel TV to try and drown it out. No TV shows were helping me sleep though. They were all too loud and all commercials were annoying. So I flipped the channel to the basic hotel info channel. Where they splash cheesy starburst graphic promos for local attractions or restaurants or whatever. This promo channel was playing Dave Matthews ‘Crash’ over and over. Crash. On a loop. Over and over and over. I turned up the volume and put my head as close as I could to the TV and tried to just listen to the song and only the song… ‘You’ve got your ball you’ve got your chain… ‘ etc

After 20 loops or so I FINALLY mercifully drifted to sleep– all thanks to that song and my desperate self-hypnotic focus on every note and every lyric.

But now every time I hear Crash (no matter where I am)– I pavlovianly think of being in that snore-y room with my head next to the TV basically listening to it for hours in and out of consciousness.

The end.

ok bye!

PS. In the morning the housekeeper barged in on the two of us under the covers listening to ‘Crash’ all loud– and she just backed out apologizing. I was like, ‘No! It’s not what you think! I don’t even like Dave Matthews!!’


Jimmy the Juicer says:

Happy discovery of the North American continent by the Europeans!

Took ’em long enough!

Oh ya and FIRST bitches!

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Especially since it’s become increasingly obvious that America was discovered FIVE FRICKIN’ HUNDRED YEARS earlier by Leif Ericson. I guess if he had done anything with it we wouldn’t be called America; we’d be called “Erica” or “The Land of Eric” or something.

BTW does anybody know what Native Americans called themselves before there was an America?

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Oh, don’t know if we’re still doing this, but SECOND, BITCH!!!!, and die weeze, die, you suck.

FPM says:

I used to be a homeless rodeo clown but now I am a world class magician !

Josh says:

I believe Native Americans didn’t call them selves anything because the telephone had not been invented yet.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

Ummm…. good point.

But didn’t they use smoke signals? To convey messages like “FIRRSSTTTT BBBITCCHHEESSS!!!!!(COUGH)!!!” and “Hey, my teepee’s on fire!”

Go ahead, it’s OK to laugh. I’ll apologize to any offended Indigenous People later.

Crumbles says:

I had a snoring problem once annndWHAM

Paullers says:

4 words… I HATE DAVE MATTHEWS!!!! If I’m ever driving and I see Dave Matthews’ car… CRAAAASSSHH!

Anonymous says:

Todd, c’mon! Tell us already about why you were traveling in LA. You lead me on, dude. I thought that’s what this post was going to be about.


Weeze sucks first, bitches.

Pookie says:

Dave Matthews band blows. It is nothing more than commercial crap pop music.

Z says:

You are very funny, tOdd. You have some interesting experiences.

Z says:

Oh yeah, and the guy had sleep apnea… that is why he snored like that. He would stop breathing during the silent parts then briefly wake up and snore really loud until he fell asleep again and it started all over…

bark65 says:

I woulda slept on the fire escape. Effin Dave Mathews sux!

One of "the olds" says:

Oh, aren’t all you Dave Matthews haters just SO “cool” and “hip.” DMB was playing festivals for hippies 2.0 like me while you were still in diapers. Yeah, I’ve outgrown it, but he has his jam band cred. Morons.

My strategy with snorers is lots of poking and loud noises. Why should I be the only miserable one, Loudy McNosewhistle?

Anonymous says:

Um one, never claimed to be hip ever, and I am guessing I was wearing bell bottoms before you were a glimmer in someones eye. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings.

johnny5 says:

remember when dave matthews ordered his RV driver to dump all that human feces onto a boat full of tourists in chicago?

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

And that’s a problem why…?

Seriously, I thought that was an accident. Maybe you know something I don’t.

You own a very interesting blog covering lots of topics I am interested as well.I just added your site to my favorites so I can read more in the next days… Just continue your marvellous work.

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