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APRIL 2008


Somehow I get the feeling that there's a media mogul out there who is pissed off at Lasik. Because for days I've been seeing news stories about how Lasik eye surgery isn't great. And there's complications. And 5% of people have issues with this and that. They showed some guy with special glasses that like spray water in his eyes all day. And on and on. I've been wondering why the media is friggin pummeling Lasik lately... and I think there's only one answer. Some media mogul is having issues after his eye surgery...

Not sure if this chick is mogul enough to start this ball rolling... but she hates her lasikness.


So I watched Idol spiral last night with this gaggle of half-talents. Here's what's wrong with each one:

David Cook - I don't like the way he looks at the camera like Constantine did and he thinks his voice is all soulful and crap.
David Archeleta - His speaking voice is increasingly weird. Like a girl trying to talk like a guy. He doesn't have eye of the tiger either.
Brooke White - I'm getting the feeling the nice girl thing is just shtick. Like she like throws bottles of water and punches bowls of chips backstage after weak performances.
Syesha - Not as good as... (pick anyone better)
Jason Castro - I get the feeling after this is all done they're announce that he's just a hologram or robot in the first effort to 'create' a star from scratch.

Why do I get the feeling they drag Paula Abdul around from place to place all splayed out in a red wagon?


Cable TV newslady told me last night that dudes slept outside stores to be the first kid on their block to get the new Grand Theft Auto game. Of course they mentioned how there's like ultraviolence and hookers and drugs and stealing and all that bad stuff and they sort of half-heartedly talked about what effect it might have on kids. Like your 14-year old will all of a sudden start big pimping and dealing drugs and running hookers and stuff. I dunno. If video game violence warped kids changing them into violent freaks we'd all have been clubbed once or twice by now...

Here's the site for the game with some videos. I watched the LCPD Recuitment one... sorta wrong.


TV told me today that we're sitting on a big amount of oil out in the Dakotas. Like there's gonna be some oil rush situation out in North Dakota and people are all psyched and animals are like all unpsyched. It's enough with the drilling for oil crap! It's so 1930! Why is it that I feel like if I spent 6-8 months googling around and stuff-- I could invent a car that runs on water that can go over 100 MPH? It just doesn't seem that friggin hard to me. I dunno.

Then again I don't wanna end up all murdered up by the shadow government like this dude Stan Meyer.


Today I seen there's this penguin that's been losing its feathers and walking around all bald and pink and stuff. Other penguins would be like, 'Dork!' and 'Nice skin, baldie!' and all that. And he felt shame and started smoking cigarettes and watching TV all day. The scientists felt bad so they fitted him for a wet suit to cover up his baldness and now he looks sort of badass and it got him out in the world again. Now when he smokes his cigarettes he blows them right in the face of the other penguins because he looks badass now.

Here go video and a cute toonage...


So local tv news chatterhead told me tonight about a new invention that seems to be catching on. It's a 'Teen Repellent' thing called the 'Mosquito'. It's basically a box thing that lets out a high pitched frequency noise that can be heard by teenagers but the older people get the less chance of chance they can hear it. Because teens hear better etc. They mount these things in parks after dark or parking lots at night or whatever to shoo teens away. Is it right or wrong is the debate. I dunno. I can't hear nuttin ever since some horribly loud John Zorn concert like years ago....

Here's a hearing test to see if yer a genius. (Not a stupid joke jump out and scary you thing. Promise.).

I didn't hear nuttin...


Totally been slacking here! Will be back on the stick tomorrow! I watched Carly go home tonight and I wasn't sad or happy! I was whatevery! Idol is totally simmering dun rite nuh! Even the Dreadlock Dork yawned during the show! When you're bored and you're actually on the show! A results show! You know that shizz is borhorhing!

Sorry for the slackidaisicalness here. Will be bettero tomorrowo...

Tree Game! Boring!


Local news dope told me today about all the fattening foods around town. I used to think Outback's 'Blooming Onion' was the most fattening thing you could order out there but apparently there's something that is even more calories than a 2,300 calorie blooming onion. This thing is like 2,900 calories. It's one dish. And it's apparently the equivalent of eating 14 krispy kreme donuts.

Here's #1... along with 20 others that'll do a number on you...


Today the newslady told me that having a fat belly may cause me to have an even fatter belly because apparently once you get a fat belly there's some hormones or something that tells your fat belly to get like fatter and stuff and it reproduces fat cells and they have a big phat fat cell party right on your gut! And you bring all the snacks and beer for those freeloaders!

You'd think someone who'd be motivated enough to make a video like this wouldn't have a gut like that!


Sorry no daily factoid yesterday. I kind of just snoozed all day trying to knock out this cold with vicious blows of laziness.

But if you wanna feel sick too here's something that might help... (76 Minutes)


Today I heard that more and more people are keeping hedgehogs as pets. Apparently they're like all cute and semi-smart and they sleep all day so it's cool for the owners to have their pet wake up when they get home from work. Not sure how it's helpful if your friggin pet stays up all night long but whatever. They are sort of cute...

Want one?


So I seen on the TV that some company is now placing ads in the clouds. A company called Flogo launches like artificial foam into the sky in the shape of corporate logos and stuff. I guess they're not environmentally harmful but I think they're just like mentally harmful-- and I think crap like this should be illegal. It's like trespassing in my sky or something....

Here's a video with one of em (warning: long pre-roll)


So last night on Idol was really sort of boring except for Mariah Carey's breastesteses. I think tonight it will be time for Carly to pack her crap and sit in the audience until the tour. I don't think she has a built in audience like Fake Rocker, Little Kid or Dready Avatar. Is this stupid video really ten years old? I think measuring time by how old music is is weird. Like since when is Welcome to the Jungle 20 years old. Oh well. Whaddayagonnado...

Here's another video that's 20 (warning: it screams "bad art"). I used to have a big top secret crush on that chick.


Today I found out that some painting sold for the most amount of money for any living artist. It's by this guy Lucien Freud and the painting is called 'Sleeping Nude'. It's gonna sell for about 40 million dollars. It's an ok painting but I don't know why it's all like 40 million dollars worth of good. I guess it's like 40x better than anything I could paint. But if that's the case and I made a big painting of a nekkid person then I should get a million bucks too!

Here's what $40 million dollars looks like...

And here's what $40 million dollars doesn't look like....

And here's what $720 million dollars looks like and doesn't look like...


Yesterday I found out that all sorts of military equipment is finding its way for sale on eBay. Plane parts and night vision goggles and uniforms and stuff. I think it's pretty far down the list in terms of military backdoor issues. Why do I feel like if I headed to Iraq with some business cards and a fake invoice I could get like $250,000 check out of the government by the end of the week...

Not sure if this would be the best investment...


Today news dope told me about how General Electric stepped up and admitted they didn't sell as much crap as they hoped this year or something. I don't know. GE seems a little out of step with stuff. I know they're trying to get all eco-friendly and all that but productwise they still seem like a few years behind.

Look at this ad for the new GE televisions. I do like the jingle tho...

And maybe they should have kept their eye on the prize and they'd be selling their crap like crap filled hotcakes today... umm... wait.... that doesn't sound good.


So yesterday I seen on the TV that the Japanese are tinkering around with cellphones that can give off some sort of smell. Mobile Fragrance Communication. Like perfume from your girlfriend or like fruit scent if you send a video from Fruit Island or something. I dunno. The whole thing sounds like an excuse to be able to send a virtual egg fart into someone's face. I can't believe they're still not done with developing smells/computer stuff. Hasn't this died on the vine 10x already? Nobody is asking for it! Stop already with the smelly smells!


Sorry no daily factazizoid yesterday! But I'm gonna watch some serious TV tonight and bust out a serious factazizoid all over this here page-izzle!

Here's something to play with if yer board.


I was fortunate enough to have weird Tivo problems for Idol gives back. It was all skippy and crap so I really didn't see much of it.

But there's something about the whole idea of it that just sort of annoys me on some level. Like all these millionaires running around patting themselves on the back for not being 100% assholes about being crazy rich. Relieving their possible guilt for doing stuff like spending a million dollars on crap like a car. Plus making dollars on advertising for the show. (Did Idol donate that revenue?)

And corporations like Exxon donated $10M for the malaria effort. Wow. (Dr. Evil voice) Ten millllion dollars! Don't break your own bank! Exxon made $40 billion just last year alone! According to my math 10M is like the equivalent of donating $50! Plus they got free good PR! Hey Exxon! Impress us next time. Donate a billion... and actually wipe out malaria. Instead of donating an amount you can wipe with.

Here's Simon's million dollar car. (Really? A million dollars can't be better spent elsewhere? How bout a $500,000 car? And $500,000 of good next time.)

And Exxon... I hope you lose this bad so we can all make fun!


I think it's becoming apparent that 'rocker dude' with the hair on American Idol is showing his true colors as an arrogant wannabe rocker rip-off artist douche. (In Simon's voice: 'Sorry'...') I still think that Amanda chick deserves to be on the show but I texted voted tonight for someone else-- I'm embarrassed to say for who because I think it's embarrassing that I text voted at all. Maybe I'll announce tomorrow. Tonight I only feel shame and vindication.

What is with dudes named David Cook anyway?


Last night I found out that Congress had some sort of hearing to discuss virtual worlds and some politician dope said she believed that the terrorists are going into Second Life looking to virtually recruit people for Al Qaeda. Like they'd bust out some crazy dance moves and when someone says, "Yo! Where'd you get those moves!" The person would bring them back to their virtual cave for a virtual dance party with 68 virtual virgins. Really Congress? Nothing else to talk about? Or worry about?

Here's the website of a Second Life celebrity...


Morning news face this morning told me that dudes are more inclined to take big financial risks when they were showed sexy pictures of chicks or whatever. Like flash of boobs and dudes bust out the wallet and buy the house that has smoke coming out of the windows. Or the half-wrecked car with blood all over it. Or the Bear Sterns stock or whatever. I guess this is news but you can pretty much fill in any word in the sentence and it'll make sense-- "Men were more inclined to _______ when showed sexy pictures."

Here's the new idealess music video for the new Madonna song.


Today I seen that they might be releasing a new version of Windows like next year. It'll be called Windows 7. When a reporter asked why they're pushing up the release date so early a Microsoft spokesperson said, 'Because Vista sucks ass.' When asked to expand on that statement the spokesperson said, 'Shut up, bitch. We f--ked up, ok? What the f--k do you want me to say? Vista works as well as I do as a spokesperson, jerk. Go f--k yourself? Approve or Cancel?'

I think Microsoft needs to know their customers better.
FYI Jarrid, "Most gayest..." isn't politically correct nor grammatically correct.


Last night I watched my third favorite show. Bizarre Foods with Mark Morrone on the Travel Channel. He was in Bolivia and he told me that peeps in Bolivia are heavily into Llama fetuses. They like think they're good luck or spiritual or something and they like bury them under their houses and like keep em lying around the house or like burn em like smudgey and stuff. Apparently there's lots of llama fetuses around because llamas apparently pick and choose when they want to be pregnant or not...

Here go some at the Witches' Market...


Today I found out that ATA Airlines is going out of business which really shouldn't be a shock to anyone because ATA named their company 'ATA'. I mean how far are you gonna get with a name like that? ATA? Terrible. Because they lost their 'sky routes' ATA made a last ditch proposal to save their company by promising to fly no higher than 250 feet off the ground and 'seeing what happens...'

Meanwhile Delta has been promoting their safety video as being a 'viral' hit. Not sure why? It's boring and they don't show boobs or nuttin...


Ok. Last week I was sort of bitter about Idol. I guess because of the whole Beatles grossness followed up by my girl flunking off the show. And I still don't like Idol this season but I'm back on board and re-interested. I think that little kid who was a lock at the beginning will be going home soon. As my friend put it, 'He has a Marc Anthony style of weirdness...' So little Marc Anthony is out. Unfortunately, I'm starting to wonder if Fake Rocker can win. I don't like that guy neither. He falls into a Constantine-esque category for me...

I'm starting to think that Dolly Parton is the most universally respected person on the planet. It seems literally everybody loves and respects Dolly.


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