APRIL 2003
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4/30
I seen on the news tonite that there are these dudes driving around Jersey in vans filled with crap speakers that look expensive. And they cruise parking lots and look for people that look like they have cash. Then they pull over and say how they got these $1200 speakers that they'll sell for $300. But the speakers are really all ultraterrible (worth $100 maybe) and people get ripped off. So beware of guys in vans looking to sell electronics... if you didn't already know...
It reminded me of this one time when I was like 20 years old. This dude in a shopping center told me he could get me a Zenith 27" TV in the box with the papers and all that... for $75. He said he had a connection at the Newmark and Lewis Electronics store. That seemed like a good deal so we walked up to the Newmark and Lewis. He knocked on the front window and waved in at the guy inside. Then he told me to give him the $75 and to meet him around the back. So I did. I went around back and stood there like a dope for a few minutes until I realized that that backdoor just wasn't going to open. And no TV was coming for me.
Here's the dilly-o on the Nigerian bank scam email thing.
4/29
Today I found out how to deal with a dog that wants to attack you. Let's say you see a dog running at you and he looks all mad. Don't run away. Stand your ground. Keep your back to a tree or wall if you can. And don't make eye contact. If the dog does attack you, don't punch its head or back or whatever. That makes dogs mad. Punch it right on the nose. Dogs don't like that.
Of course none of this applies if the dog looks like this.
4/28
Today some weird cable station showed me a sport called RollerJam. I couldn't really figure out what the sport was about. Skate around tough then fake elbow people in the neck then fake kick them with your skate then put your arms in the air and go 'ARRRRRRR!' at the crowd. As one woman said in the crowd, 'It's brutal. It's really brutal.... but it's great family fun!'
It was also described as the sport of the new millennium.. maybe next millennium?
4/27
I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I couldn't shut it off. But tonite I watched a show about micro-organisms. I found out all about how there are millions of dust mites living in my bed. And how there's other little bugs in all of my clothes. And there's like salmonella all over my kitchen and how there's like microcooties all over everything everywhere ew.
Here's some cooties for ya...
4/26
The TV told me today that in the hay day of Dukes of Hazzard of all the fan mail that poured in- one half of the letters were addressed to the General Lee. People would write letters like, 'Dear General Lee,' And tell the General Lee how much they loved it. That all changed down the road when people decided to boycott the General Lee because it had the confederate flag on it... then it was all down hill for the General Lee..
And sadly it seems the General Lee has hit rock bottom. Poor General Lee...
4/25
Today I learnt about Clayton Bates. He was a little black kid like 12 years old working farming in the South back in the day. He thought farming sucked so he went to go in the mill. But he got one leg stuck in leg-ripper-offer or something and it got cutoff below the knee. That sucked too. And he couldn't even go to the hospital cause they were segregated then. That sucked as well. Seems like lil' Clayton was off to a rough start.
But Peg Leg Bates seemed to make a go of it..
4/24
I've been watching TV for two hours straight and haven't learnt one thing. I'll keep watching until midnite and hope to have something for ya soon.
Whelp. It's 12:39 and tv really let me down today. I watched an old video of Michael Jackson mushing a pie into John Landis's face (non-entertaining). I saw something about extinct sharks with big ironing board type growth sticking out of their frickin heads (non-interesting). And I saw something about scary ghosts (non-existent).
If me not being able to find a daily fact really upsets you- you might want to check yourself here...
4/23
Today I learnt about Millvina Dean. She survived the Titanic sinking when she was like 9 weeks old or something. The youngest survivor. She's 91 now and does the Titanic convention circuit and all that. She's one of the few living survivors of the disaster. She's also one of the few people left on the planet who hasn't seen the Titanic movie. She just isn't interested.
But if you're interested in Milly...
4/22
I found out today that caribou in Alaska might be kind of smart. They like to spend alot of time hanging out around the oil pipelines. Maybe because hunting around the pipelines is illegal. So caribou may feel it's a coolio safe haven type place to chillout. It doubly sucks for caribou hunters because whatever caribou are eating around the pipelines apparently might make them taste a little weird...
If I lived up there this would be my recipe for roast caribou.
4/21
The TV told me that when women are ovulating they are attracted to rugged bad boy type guys because they want their kids to be all tough and resourceful. But when they're not ovulating they're attracted to nice guys because they want the nice guy to be around to raise the rugged kid or something. So for now on when hitting on a chick the first question should be 'You ovulating?' and if they say, 'Yeah' then I should act like Fonz. If they say 'No' then I'll be Richie.... or maybe even Potsi.
Here's The Fonz Song. I don't know what the hell it is. But low point for pop cultural humanity for sure...
4/20
If you wanna launch a pumpkin you don't use like your average halloween-type pumpkin. You use a pumpkin that has been slightly crossbred with a lime. This produces a whiteish color pumpkin with a thicker skin. It's important cause when you're in a punkin chunkin competition the last thing you want is to do is explode or "pie" your punkin before it can really fly.
Wanna know what the hell I'm talkin about?
4/19
Today I found out that go-cart racing is like a serious sport. Kids start off racing at like 4 years old speeding around in cars that go like 20mph. Then they move up to cars that can go 50mph. Then over 100mph. It looked totally fun but I know if I drove one I'd crash into another car. Spin off the track through the haystack barrier. And listen to the oohs of the crowd while my car starts to flip. It would do like cartwheels across the grass like 5x and land right side up. Smoke would start pouring out and people will rush over with the fire extinguishers but I'll pop out of the car and give a wave. Even though I'd be shaken up I'd walk off the track under my own steam. Then they'd have to get someone else to drive the pace car.
Here's a karter named 'Boo'.
4/18
I seen on the tv that these brooklyn teachers are like all upset because of a new website where kids can go to rate and comment on their teachers like all anonymously. I guess the teachers that were complaining were the ones that got bad grades by the students.
I went and checked up on some of my old high school teachers. Twas coolio... Go New Ro!
4/17
The guy on the tv told me about how maggots are now used in hospitals to like treat certain wounds. They put the maggots in the wound and the maggots do whatever and ew they showed it on this guys foot and ew! i don't want to talk about it anymore. Ew. Ew... must not ever think about that again. Must go to my happy place....
Must go to my happy place!
4/16
On TechTV today I saw a new wireless charger thing.. Basically instead of the drag of having to like plug in your cellphone to charge it- you can just lay it down flat on this thing and it charges it wirelessly! Finally eliminating the annoying hassle of grabbing the cord, finding the end of the cord, finding the charger hole in your cellphone (wherever the hell that is) THEN you gotta plug it perfectly into that hole or it doesn't work- then put the cellphone down....Uch! What a hassle! Yay technology!
I planned to link to the product site but somewhere on the walk from the tv to my computer it zapped right out of my head. Here's something to keep you busy.
4/15
Today I learnt about howler monkeys on a nature show. Howler monkeys live in the trees like 99% of the time. Their diet is mainly fruits and leaves and they drink water out of the little pockets in the trees. Also, howler monkeys have huge balls that totally hang out and swing around and... um... maybe I should put that more delicately. The narrator put it this way, 'Modesty was a late evolutionary advancement...' when he commented on their nuts. There.
Here's what big-balled howler monkeys sound like when they howl.
4/14
Tonite I watched a show about the practice of foot binding in China. It was uncool. Some dynasty dudes back in the day thought it was all sexy to have women with tiny feet so chinese chicks had to go in on that. Bad news. Then after they went thru all the pain and stuff, the commies came and said that foot binding wasn't cool or sexy anymore and said it was like out of style. And women had to like go work in the fields with their tiny feet. It totally sucked.
Here are the some bad looking brit feet.
4/13
I watched some NASCAR today and the UPS car driven by Dale Jarrett had a new logo. I know this because every time they showed the interior car cam I saw a big sign on the dash that proudly said 'NEW! FASTER LOGO!' I love it when these brand marketing dudes think that we all pop boners over their new logos like they do.
Here's UPS chairman Mike Eskew coolin out with his new logo.
4/12
Fact #1:
Today I learnt about what being attacked by a spitting cobra is like. First you wander off somewhere to go pee. While you're peeing you see a spitting cobra like right there. You like shut off your pee and freeze up. The cobra then like rears up and flares out its hood. And you go 'Oh shit...' but you can't move cause you're so freaked out because you're looking at a cobra. You start to try and trace back to what you know about snakes. Do you run? Do you lay down and play dead? What? Then you get mad at your bad memory and for not studying hard back in school or whatever. While you're trying to figure out what to do, the cobra spits venom right into your eyes. You go 'Arrgh!' And it like blinds you and it stings like hell. You put your hands to your eyes and run away screaming. But your pants are down around your knees and you do that sort of dorky shuffle run with your butt out. And then you trip and fall and hit your head on a rock. You're out.
When you wake up you're surrounded by dozens of hissing cobras. You find out that when cobras hiss on their own it's just a hiss- but when a group of cobras hiss together their united hiss actually forms words in english. They all hiss in unison and ask you, 'What'sss your sssssign?' You can't believe they can speak english. You can't even answer. They all ask again louder, 'What ssssssign are you? Are you Ssssssagittariussssss ?' You say, 'No. I'm a (insert your astrological sign here)'. All the cobras cringe angrily and hiss loudly. They seem like they're gonna attack. You realize you gave the wrong answer. You say, 'Wait! Wait! Umm... I'm a Sagittarius! Heh! I don't know what I was thinking about before! Duh! Of course I'm a Sagittarius!' You laugh nervously. The cobras then hiss... 'Oh yeah? Ssssooo when issss your birthday?' You sort of knew that was going to be the next question but hoped it wasn't because you don't know your signs that well. You say, 'Umm... September something! Umm.. the 12th! September 12th!' The cobras consult with each other in a circle and mumble hiss to themselves for a minute or so. You can't understand what they're saying. Finally they turn around to you really mad and say, 'Sssssagittariussss issssn't in Sssseptember!' Then they all spit on you and start biting at you. You're done.
(Of course if you are a Sagittarius this doesn't really apply as you would have answered correctly and the cobras and you would have a big party where you'd all dance snakey and the snakes will really dig the fact that you can clap to the music. As all snakes wish they could clap.)
Here's some more info about spitting cobras.
Fact #2:
Today I also watched a show on the History Channel called 'Cleavage' (rock on, history channel!) And found out that some women get hypnotized to enlarge their breasts like mentally. Apparently hypnosis happens in the hypothalamus and that links to the pituitary gland that links to the boob gland or something.
You can hypnotize yer way to a bigger wang too. Or so they say...
4/11
Sorry no fact today. I totally spaced so I'll give two facts tomorrow. It'll be like overtime to make up for it.
Here's something to keep you occupied until I finish watching tv.
4/10
Today I learnt about porcupine mating. It goes like this. When they're in heat, a dude porcupine pees all over the place. And the chick porcupine pees all over the place. When the dude finds a female urine patch he rubs his porcupine wang on that while he tracks her down. And when he finds her- he pees on her. Then they fight. Then they do it. The end. Animals. Ew.
Here's how you deal with your dog if he loses a fight with a porcupine.
4/9
Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Osiris, Big Baby Jesus, Dirt Dog, Joe Bananas) from the Wu Tang Clan has announced that he has changed his name. From this day forward the ODB will now be referred to only as 'Dirt McGirt'. Just FYI if you plan to hang out with him once he's out. You don't want to embarrass yourself by calling him by the wrong aka.. Just fyi...
Here are some hip hop ringtones for ya cellphone. (Not sure how they go from the computer to the phone but they're guaranteed to annoy everyone around you if you can make it happen.)
4/8
Today I watched the World Series of Poker hosted by Gabe Kaplan (aka Mr. Kotter) This dude Robert Varkonyi won it all. His prize money? Frickin $2,000,000! It's a different kind of game when you get in the big leagues. You get dealt two cards and then the dealer deals five more in front of him one at a time. The dealers deal is called 'the flop'. Then you make you best hand with your two cards and the dealers cards.
12 out of 20, baby! Beat that! Up your nose with a rubber hose!
4/7
Today the tv introduced me to Leslie Lemke. He's this savant dude who also has cerebral palsy and is retarded. One day when he was 14, he was sitting around watching a tv movie with his family (well I guess Leslie wasn't 'watching' it because he's blind too) but anyway opening theme song to the movie was Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1. Later that night Leslie sat down at the piano, announced tonite's movie like the guy on tv did and then played the friggin whole concerto. He'd only heard it once. His family was like, 'Whoa! WTF!?'
Check him out.
4/6
I seen this dude on tv today who is selling off pieces of the moon and other planets by the acre. He claims he has the right because he sent a letter to the government claiming ownership over the earth's moon and other planets AND their moons. Because he never got a response- he took that as a yes. Now he's sold like thousands of acres on the moon for $19.95. But when I did a google search for 'buy acre moon' I got all these! WTF! Who's monitoring all these realtors to make sure things don't overlap! What is this? Some kind of scam??!
4/5
Today I watched the World Short Track Speed Skating championships. I'm not sure where it was taking place but it was in a stadium that looked 90% empty. Hey, if they want to sell tickets I have an idea for them. Spice it up! No more just simple round and round. Surprise obstacles. Fireballs. Ramps. Insta-melt sections of ice. Slide a big mean walrus onto the track. Everyone in the audience gets a megaphone Day. Whatever! You'll sell some tickets then!
Fu Tianyu was in 7th place when I switched off. Here's Fu in action.
4/4
Whelp, today I offered to make this grab bag guest tv fact friday- and it was a big bust. Cause ain't no one wrote in with not one thing for this here daily fact. Got alot of email bout this and that but no nothing about nothing tv facty. Oh well. Live and learn. I gotta do everything myself around here I guess.
Here's a song (link broke now gotta get em while you can) so you're not leaving empty handed.
4/3
A scary spacenerd on tv today said that every year for like the past three years giant 200 ton asteroids blow up like right outside our atmosphere.. He said that if one of those hit somewhere it would be like a big ol nuclear bomb. And then scary spacenerd said that the chances of an asteroid like that eventually hitting the planet one day was 100%. He seemed sort of scarily nerdily excited about that.
I checked that off as one more thing to worry about then started practicing up.
4/2
Not sure if this is a fact or not because I learned it from Mike Tyson last nite on the Jimmy Kimmel Show (which I kind of like now). But Iron Mike told me that there are pigeons called 'rollers' cause they dive bomb downward in a roll or something. And when spinning around and around they do it at such an elevated verprosity that sometimes they fall all the way down to the street and get hit by buses and cars... or something like that.
Mike keeps over 1200 pigeons on his roof. Wanna raise some of yer own?
4/1
In an overtime in the NHL, a team is allowed to pull its goalie to put in another skater. However, if the team that pulls the goalie loses the game while the goalkeeper is out- that team will lose the point it gained by tying at the end of regulation.
What? You don't believe me? You callin me a liar?! Check the friggin rulebook!! Oh now you wanna fight?! C'mon bring it on! Throw down yer gloves! I'll yank yer friggin jersey right over your head and then knock out your snaggletooth!