April 2004

4/30

So today I learned that people up in Alaska have been kidnapping caribou. Basically baby caribous have been getting eaten up by wolves and bears and like 1 out of every 10 or whatever have been surviving. If the baby caribou could live a couple weeks they could outrun the wolves and bears- but they get all eaten too soon. So enviromentologists have been kidnapping pregnant caribou and fencing them off. Then let the calves get borned. Then they keep em penned up for a few weeks then let em go. And it's been working really well cause now the herds are getting bigger. I thought that was coolio. So there.

So here. Caribou.

4/29

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. It wasn't my fault though. When I got home Moomoo the monkey was in my apartment and he was all busy pulling wires out of the back of my stereo and tv and stringing loose wires all around my apartment like christmas lights. So I got home and was like, 'No! No Moomoo! Bad Moomoo!' And he gave me a sad monkey look because I think he thought he was decorating my apartment as a surprise for me and meanwhile I come home after a long day and start in at yelling at Moomoo who was just trying to do something moomoo nice.

Not sure what this site is about... it is not related to moomoo the monkey.

4/28

I heard about a new school called Circus Du Jour that travels to schools to try and recruit kids for the circus. They teach kids all about the fun of the circus and encourages kids to practice circus stuff at home with activities like 'Household product fire breathing', 'Pre-lion training with stray dogs and raccoons', 'Condiment clown face' and 'Telephone wire highwire walking'. Stuff like that, except none that...

Not sure why they called this the worst circus ever... it sounds like the best.

4/27

I saw on local news today that Coke is coming out with a low-carb coke. Rosanna Scotto, our local news chick, said it tasted like regular coke. But whatever! I'm sick of low carb! I can't eat a bowl of pasta like normal anymore! I used to think pretzels were ok to eat by the bag full! Now no! I used to be able to eat a friggin sandwich or french toast or frickin a frickin potato without thinking about stuff! I'm sick of it! I think carbs make my face fat! I just want to eat pasta again! Frickin low-carb no-carb whatever coke! Potatoes! Yummy! Enough!!

Count Carbula! Blah! Blah!

4/26

I saw this guy on TV insisting that when we speak if we listen to what we say backwards we can hear hidden messages in our speech. The true meaning of what we want to say. So if you record stuff and play it backwards you'll hear the real meaning behind stuff or something kinda sorta. Here's his site. And here's some experiments I did backwards and forwards. 

George W. forwards        George W. backwards

Missy Elliot forwards      Missy Elliot backwards

Captain Kirk forwards    Captain Kirk backwards

4/25

I seen something on the TV called the TV Time Scout. It's for parents to control how much time their kids spend looking at TV or playing video games. Basically it's like a thing that you plug the tv into and then there are these 'time cards' that you give your kid. So if they're allowed 1/2 hour of tv you give them a 1/2 hour card and they swipe it and the tv stays on for a half hour then shuts off automatically. 'It makes the machine the bad guy'. 

I have mixed feelings about this because discipline through technology leads to children respecting technology more than humans which will lead to a generation that bows before the circuits which will usher in a new religion called Computism where people will have to wear shiny clothing and electronic hats and be all nerdily snooty and do we really need another religion mucking up the works more so? Especially one with a bad name like 'Computism'...

 At least that's a better name than KeDonaldism...

4/24

The tv news showed me some women getting ready to go to boot camp. A woman getting ready to go to boot camp is called a 'poulee'. Notice how I don't call these women 'chicks'. As I get a feeling that these poulees could kick my ass up and down the street two times or maybe three times quick. Especially with my combat training stopped in 3rd grade and my fighting technique involves me closing my eyes and putting my arms out and spinning around in circles blindly.

Check out this here video I found on the USMC site..

4/23

Tonite I watched a show on MTV called Wildboyz that I actually thought was really funny. It's with two guys from the show Jackass. Steve-O and the other guy. They basically go places and act dumb in front of dangerous animals until the animal gets annoyed and bites them or snaps at them or something. This time they were in Belize and Steve-O had a king vulture bite him on the arm. And I learned that king vultures are actually kinda nice looking as vultures go.

Here's the Wildboyz game on the MTV site. Truly a low point across the board by all standards.

4/22

More Japanese stuff today! I found out about a car sport that's hot over in Japan. It's called 'Drifting' and it's like dudes get in their hondas and turn a corner and like do something to make the car drift where it looks like it's floating across the street or something. Then they get judged based on grace and speed and stuff.  I dunno. I just know once while it was raining out I hydroplaned my old CRX and ended up on someones lawn. I guess I was trendsetting then...

Here's some drift action for ya.

4/21

Tonite I found out that the Japanese are busy revolutionizing toilets. This company Toto is building toilets that have like bidets built in. So like you go #2 then push a button and this arm comes out and sprays water on your butt. Then you press another button and it sprays hot air on your butt. Sounds good kinda sorta maybe maybe not. Toilets are gonna get complicated I guess. 

Here's a Toto umm...  ad? for kids? (if anyone has a translation please send it in.)

4/20

So last time I hung out with my nephews the younger one (3) told me he was a big fan of 'Boobah' which is this show on PBS so I decided to watch it today to keep up with his shows because I like talking to him about stuff he knows. They freak out when I know the 'Krusty Crab Pizza' song and stuff. But this Boobah show was one of the most weird experiences I had with TV. It's like video shrooms or something. Halfway through it I started feeling this haze of mush creep into my brain and I had to shut it off because it made my eyes feel mental. Something is either very wrong or very right with it.

The website is beserker too

4/19

After watching the end of a thoroughly nauseating and disturbingly disgraceful plastic surgery beauty pageant show called 'The Swan', I watched some of Fox local news and found out there was a train crash in Penn Station. An Amtrak train smashed into a Long Island commuter train. The newscaster on the scene said, 'This neck jolting crash was something that most Long Island commuters could have done without...' Most? I think it's safe to say all.

Check out this scary cheesed out plastic surgery site.

4/18

Tonite I watched some guide dogs for blind people get trained. It's important that guide dogs don't freak out when they're moseying around so they try to show the dogs in training as many weird things as possible. The more weirdness they see the less likely they are to get weirded out if they see something weird on the street. So they brought these dogs to an aquarium and introduced them to like an octopus and a seal and a whale. They figure if a dog doesn't freak out from seeing an octopus they'll be chill with regular weird street stuff.

Here's how you can turn a dog into an octopus.

4/17

Sorry no daily fact today. It was nice out and I thought maybe going outside in the nice would be nice and it was nice as I thought the niceness would be... so that was nice.

Here's a site featuring "nice tits". Ha ha. From who else. The brits...

4/16

A guy on tv told me something about chameleons today. He said that chameleons don't change color to match their surroundings. He said they only change color when their mood changes. Like if they're gonna get in a fight they turn red or if they're scared or something they change to whatever other color or whatever. I guess my 3rd grade teacher was lying through her teeth about chameleons. 

Good thing I never studied. Apparently school textbooks are loaded with lies

4/15

TV told me today about The Bible Code. I've heard of it but I didn't really know what it was about. Basically nutty type historians are doing like word jumble or something with old biblical text and seeing all sorts of 'predictions'. Like the twin towers or the space shuttle or Saddam going down or whatever. As for the future apparently LA is gonna get an earthquake in 2010 then a comet is gonna come and mess us up in 2012. Then again the code predicted it also said that Al Gore would be elected President...

Some other dudes are busy translating the text into music somehow or something. Here's a taste.... an acquired taste.

4/14

Tonite I found out about a theory of how we got our moon. See like wayy back in the day before television or general existence there was the planet that would become Earth and there was this other planet called Orpheus. Orpheus was all mental and tried to orbit Earth but it swung by too close and smashed into the Earth like a drunk driver and a piece broke off of Earth and the piece just kept orbiting around and it eventually became the moon. Either that or the space stork dropped it off.

Here's an animated moon with a wordy explanation that I had to read three times.

4/13

Tonite I found out Mr. Softee is in trouble. The city wants to put a ban on the Mr. Softee music because they say it makes people crazy or something. I kind of like it when Mr. Softee drives by but the song does make me a little mental ...and I think it's got a scary side. Like it could be friendly ice cream man.. . it could be some creepy dented truck painted black and red with like fangs painted on the front and the guy who's driving has sloppy clown makeup that looks like he put it on while offroading through a playground. Either or.

Here's a Mr. Softee Sinatra "moviecard". Not sure what they are/were.

4/12

I watched a show called Unwrapped tonite on the Food Channel and I found out what a Baked Alaska is. I've heard of it before but I never knew what it was. You take some ice cream and you put it on top of some sponge cake and then you put meringue on top. Then you shove it in the oven and bake it for a while. The meringue insulates the ice cream so it doesn't melt. Not sure if everyone knew that but me... but I figure there's gotta be another me out there. 

It's called a Baked Alaska cause the guy who invented it was all psyched after America bought Alaska. 

The ruskies sold Alaska for only seven mill.  I bet down they road they weren't so psyched about the dealio.

4/11 

Tonite I watched some Build Ford Tough Rodeo Series on channel 122 and I seen one rodeo rider wearing like a lacrosse helmet or something. His name was Mike Lee. When I first saw him with the helmet I was like, "Look at the rodeoboy with the sissy helmet!" Then I'm like, "Wait a sec. Maybe that's kinda smart with the stompy and the flying and the kicky." Then I'm like, "Who the fruck am I to call that guy a sissy in the first place?!" I hit my head on the frickin kitchen cabinet door and I gotta lie down for an hour...

Then I researched Mike Lee and felt like a jerk even more so. ..

4/10

Tonite on SNL I found out that Alabama elected whiskey as it's 'Official State Spirit' So I was like that's cool. I didn't know states had official spirits. I wondered what New York's state spirit is. But then I found out no other state has a spirit. It was just some weird vote out of the Alabama governors office probably after a night of heavy boozing on whiskey and waking up to a hangover free morning... or something.

I found out that not only is it whiskey but it's a specific whiskey. Tax dollars hard at work down yonder.

4/9

Today the tv told me about a festival in Japan that's going on now. It's called the Onbashira Festival and it happens like once every 6 years. I'm not sure what it's all about (and I get the feeling no one knows who started it all and why) but everyone drinks sake then Japanese dudes drag huge logs up this hill then get on top and ride these bonecrushingly large logs down the hill all mental and drunk.

Here's some sounds from the festival. Sounds fun and mental.

4/8

The TV told me bout the Shroud of Turin history. First it went missing for a thousand years. Then crusader dudes got it somehow and brought it to France. Then it almost got burnt up. Then this french family the Savoys had it and they'd bring it around from place to place and bust it out at parties to impress their friends like jerks. Then it almost got burnt up again. Then it made it to Turin. A while ago scientists said it's totally fake. Others say that science is all conspiracized. I guess it's shrouded in mystery...Eh! EH?... feh...

Here are some visions and stuff.

4/7

Tonite tv told me about a new skin cream that's all like a 'miracle' or whatever. It's called Skin Medica and it gets rid of wrinkles or whatever. One of the ingredients mixed up in there is foreskin from children. Gross. It sells for like $125 per bottle. Gross. And by the way you mohels, don't think we don't know about yer little side business! That's not a tip! Get it? Forget it... 

Circumcision. Tough call.

4/6

I seen this dude on TV who told me that the great pyramids weren't just for burying mummies and hiding stuff or whatever. The theory is the pyramids were used to store and irrigate water. The bigger question though is, 'Why did the aliens need the water? Perhaps to keep the pods fresh? Perhaps to throw wild alien pool parties? Maybe because the aliens were scared of mummies and everyone knows if you spray a mummy with water they turn to dust? Nope. It was to keep the alien mummies fresh. Mystery solved.

This site may not agree with the alien mummy theory but they're big on the water theory.

4/5

The tv told me that parents shouldn't let kids under two watch any tv and kids under three should have limited tv watching time. They said that yer kid might have a greater chance of ADD if he sits in front of the tv all day or something. I really don't think that's true. I mean I don't have ADD and I watched tons of tv when I was... Oh! I just remembered I have a... wait what do I have? Anyway... Ooh!  I'm gonna go make a sandwich. 

I bet this takes alot of concentration..

4/4

Tonite the tv said that car dealerships have been busy ripping people off for a long time. Basically they'll like hook you up with some financing like GMAC or whatever. But the dealerships add on a few extra percent points on your interest rate and put that in their pocket without telling you. So not only are you paying for the car, but you're paying for the standard interest rate, plus you're paying extra on the interest rate so they can make extra money off you. They call that a 'lick' in the biz. Dicks.

Here be six dirty secrets of the car biz..

4/3

The tv told me another reason not to go to prison ever. Besides the being in the cell and the itchy clothes and the mean people around and the buzzers and the chilly clammy and weird toilet situation and the training and the clang clang and the weird political system. I found out that there's a new type of food that prisoners get to eat. It's called 'The Loaf'. And it's one big loaf of like bread and carrots and whatever else and it gets served all the time and prisoners say it makes things suck extra totally. 

 Here's the recipe if you wanna play 'Prison':

Special Management Meal
Yield - Three Loaves

6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
4 ounces raw carrots, finely grated
12 ounces spinach, canned, drained
2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked,
cooked and drained
4 tablespoons vegetable oil
6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
6 ounces tomato paste
8 ounces powdered skim milk
4 ounces raisins

Mix all ingredients in a 12-quart mixing bowl. Make sure all wet items are drained. Mix until stiff, just moist enough to spread. Form three loaves in glazed bread pans. Place loaf pans in the oven on a sheet pan filled with water, to keep the bottom of the loaves from burning. Bake at 325 degrees in a convection oven for approximately 45 minutes. The loaf will start to pull away from the sides of the bread pan when done.

4/2

Tonite I seen some snow monkeys on the tv and found out that their favorite way to spend time is to be grooming or being groomed. They like grooming so much that not only do they groom their monkey friends but then they'll go off and groom a deer or whatever and then take the deer ticks they find and put them on themselves then go back to their friends to be groomed of the ticks they done just groomed.

I Like Monkeys

4/1

Today I found out some stuff about honeybees and how they communicate. Like if a bee is off doing whatever and they find some food or nectar somewhere, they fly back to the hive and they do a dance shaking their bee butt. The direction and amount of times they waggle their bee butt communicates where the food is and how far away it is. Then they throw up some of the food to prove it. Bees are pretty smart. I can still smush them though.

Here's the dance. Looks like a bunch of bees acting stupid to me but apparently it's a bunch of bees acting smart.

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