APRIL 2005

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4/29

Tonite TV told me that some dudes in France invented a car that runs on air. Like you pump in compressed air and it can go for like 100 miles or something like that. When Detroit automakers were asked if they'd go in on building air-cars, a spokesperson said, 'Yeah right! We're gonna trust the French in building revolutionary cars! They suck at it! Just look at Peugeot, Renault, LeCar! C'mon! Talk about yer pieces of merde!' Then the statement was immediately retracted and the spokesperson was fired.

Actually look at this dopey Peugeot website...What's that blobby pixel thing? Is that a logo?

]4/28

Tonite I found out that back in the day the Starkist Tuna company came out with "Starkist Toothpaste". Wanna bet it was the CEO who thought up that one in a meeting because he "loves toothpaste" --and all the headnodders told him what a brilliant idea it was to crossmarket toothpaste and friggin tunafish. Dopes. The lot of em.

Serious! Check it out along with these other wacked toofuspastus.

4/27

I'm sort of a little stunned tonite. In fact, I can say tonite was one of the biggest surprises I've experienced in all my experience of television. On American Idol tonite.... Constantine was sent home. He's packing his bags right now wondering how Scott 'Mugshot' Savol and Anthony 'Trake' Federov gathered enough votes to beat the Constantine machine.  Wasn't Const a favorite? Wasn't Const to win? Oh well...  such is life... such is Idol. Bon Voyage, stare-y pouter creepy croonerboy!

I guess he has his band to fall back on.... Here's a song called Cry by Pray for the Soul of Betty. A little promotion is the least I can do....

4/26

Ok so there was no daily fact yesterday but there was a very good reason. The reason which explains exactly why there was no daily fact is rock solid and if you'd like I can provide references to confirm. I also have concrete documentation and a very specific paper trail. You may feel free to check my email records, phone records, and megaphone out the window records as well.

I never get invited to the cool parties...

4/25

Hey! Tonite I heard some good news (WTF! I just saw another friggin moth in here! I have moths in here! Where are they coming from! Dang it! I usually catch them in a cup and set them free but the other night I had to get my vacuum out to suck up 5 friggin moths! My screens are up! Where are they all coming from?! Are they in my closet? They're gross and dusty! Get out moths! Or I get the vacuum!! It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again!!) Oh the daily fact... right.

Milkmen are making a comeback. More and more folk are going old school with fresh milk deliveries... from people like Vern. Coolio!

4/24

Tonite I found out that they're slaughtering mustang wild horses because it's not against the law anymore. Sometime recently some law which prevented people from shooting horses was lifted (who the hell know why) and now dickdudes are going around shooting wild horses for horsemeat. Not sure who are the bigger dicks. The shooters or the politicians.

Not sure how you vote yes to this...

4/23

I seen on the tv today that communities are starting to register 'dangerous dogs' in the same way that sex offenders need to be registered. So you can go online and look up to see if you have a dangerous dog living next door or whatever. I say if they're going to do dangerous dogs they should do dangerous cats too. This is dog discrimination! I seen the video of the cat that jumps on that kids head! Who wants to live next door to that!?

Here's the video of the cat jumping on the kids head. And here's the dangerous dog listing from Spotsylvania.

4/22

Sorry no daily fact yesterday but I couldn't really focus on the TV because someone kept trying to chew up the remote so someone else sprayed this stuff called Bitter Apple on the remote which is supposed discourage that other someone from trying to chew it up. However, that other someone seemed to enjoy the taste of the Bitter Apple and licked it all off which made that that other someone roll his eyes...

Are the dogs chew toys umm... femurs?

4/21

Tonite I was watching some dopey 'love' show on VH1 and they came up with an interesting statistic. The question was something along the lines of, 'If you and your partner were going to have sex with other people would you rather have it be people you know or strangers?'

So I figure why not do that poll here and we see how we stack up against VH1. I'll announce the VH1 stat later today...
 

Chang poll

If you and your partner were gonna go off and have sex with other people who would y ou rather have sex with?

People we know

Strangers

No comment

Current Results

 

4/20

Tonite I saw on the local news that some small park in manhattan was like totally overrun by pigeons. So the city put up these 'squawk boxes' which made noises of screeching owls and hawks to scare the pigeons away. Sort of like a sonic scarecrow. The problem is the pigeons could care less about the boxes and never left the park. So now people sit in the park and listen to screeching owls and hawk noises all day while feeding the pigeons.

Scroll down to see a brit bird who got all dressed up for the occassion.

4/19

So tonite Jay Leno told me that scientists invented a way to control flies by remote control. Sounds like an amazing advancement. A real breakthrough... Either that or scientists are just getting all lazy and can't even get their asses of the couch to do their friggin experiments anymore!

Resistance is futile.

4/18

Tonite TV was talking about how scientists stumbled across some new type of matter that's like superdense liquid called quark-gluon plasma. Supposedly before the big bang there was this liquid goo or whatever then BANG! and a gazillion years later here we are. After the scientists found out exactly what the liquid was they didn't know what to do with it, so this one round nerd spread it on his pastrami sandwich and ate it. Right after he finished his sandwich his eyes glowed green and he yelled 'Spicy! in a big shrieky voice.' Then he unzipped the zipper which holds together the fabric of reality and jumped thru. Then zipped it closed.

 Here's some more info on the goo. And here's what pastrami is.

4/17

Today I found out some stuff about the most expensive hotel in the world. It's Burj Al Arab hotel in Dubai. The lady on TV said you get picked up from the airport by either Rolls Royce or helicopter. The cheapest room is $1600 a night. She also said they're busy building an indoor ski slope with the first ever curved chairlift. When crazy money gets spent it sorta makes me wanna puke.

You know what else makes me wanna puke? iPix tours...

4/16

Today I found out about a 1960's airline I never heard of before. It was called PSA and their slogan was 'Catch Our Smile'. The cool part about the airline was they used to dress up their stewardesses in miniskirts and go-go boots and stuff. Coolio! Ahh.. those were the good ol' days...umm..  that I never experienced...

Check out these honeybabies that were serving drinks on PSA! 

Party Time! Excellent! And here's the jingle they were rocking out to. And here's a big ol' PSA website.

4/15

Ok here's the fact. I just saw on the news that when a killer whale does the chang chang with a bottlenose dolphin they can actually produce a mixed breed type fishie (or mammal fish or whatever they are). It's called a 'wholphin'. I thought that was coolio. They also found a manta ray that likes to hump coral -but so far all that's come out of that relationship is the sight of a disturbingly horny manta and some very confused coral.

Ok there's the fact and the joke (if that qualifies) as I stated yesterday if this fact was not a great fact I would post a big picture of my feet here.

Is this fact great? Vote here (and don't just vote NO based on wanting to see my feet.)

Show My Feet?


Was that fact about the wholphin great?

Yes! You saved having to show your feet!

No! Lets see them feets!

No! But that doesn't mean I want to see your gross feet.

What? Huh?


Current Results

4/14

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. If I don't come thru with a great daily fact for 4/15 then I will take a huge picture of my feet and post them right here. Voting will be activated. Because we need more voting all over this site! Tis getting crazy with the voting! 

Some people realllly like feet (*warning: adults only sort of )

4/13

Tonite on Ripley's Believe it or Not I saw some karate instructor has an ape living in his house and he like decided to teach the ape karate. He's actually pretty good. He punches hard and does like roundhouse kicks and stuff. He can even punch with his fists while grabbing a throat with his kung fu grip foot! Cool! But you gotta ask... is it really a good call to teach the ape who lives in your house how to kick your ass extra good?

Here's a good cause to get in gorilla suit and run down the street all mental.

4/12

Paula seemed sloshed tonite.  

Sorta brings new meaning to this title.

PS. Do not believe Constantine's lies.

That is all. 

4/11

Today tv told me that they're busy developing robots to watch over children.  Eventually they want to work toward producing robots that can act as straight out babysitters. Robot babysitters seems sort of like a bad idea. I mean who needs a robot that goes through your drawers and eats all your food and takes your car out for a drive and digs thru your video collection in the hope of finding secret stuff while ignoring your kid.

I still would have Mr. Atomic then any new fangled fancy robot anyday.

4/10

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. 

I ran around this weekend because I've been looking around for a pooch! Yep! A dawg! Not confirmed yet but I think my landlord might be ok with a 'small-small/medium' sized dog! 

So here's the deal. I'm looking for a puppy or dog that is not too small and girly, hopefully one that doesn't shed a ton (I might have allergies a little bit) and one that's not known to be hyper. I do live in an apt with no yard but there are dog parks around. I'd get a puppy but I can't get one that'll grow up to be all big. Also I can't be spending alot of money on buying some fancy dog.

If you have suggestions please post em here. I've already been to BARC, North Shore Animal League and a dog pound out in Long Island. It's actually harder than you think to find small/med sized dogs around here cause they apparently go fast and stuff. There was a beagle at one place but the shelter people talked me out of it --because they said over and over 'Beagles bark.... Beagles bark'. It was hard seeing all the dogs at the shelter. I wanted to take all of em home and live like one of those people that have 50 dogs --but I don't want to push it with my landlord....

4/9

Last night I learnt on SNL (which was lame-ass except for the Barry Gibb Show which I can't get enough of even though I don't like Jimmy Fallon) that Sesame Street now wants Cookie Monster to start eating 'other snacks'. There's anytime (veggies and fruits) snacks and sometime snacks (cookies). I guess Cookie Monster will now eat healthier and stuff. When I contacted Cookie Monster for a comment he said, 'Now what starts with the letter C? Celery? Carrots? No bitch! Cookies! C stands for Cookies goddamn it! And my lawyer is going to yell that shit in those Sesame Street bitches ears as loud as a lawyer can friggin yell!' Then he got call waiting and said, 'Can you hold on one sec?' Then after two friggin minutes he clicked back and said, 'I gotta go...' then he hung up.

Check the Letter of the Day.

4/8

Tonite I seen on the tv that some techie company is developing improved cubicles so people can have more privacy. In the office of the future all cubicles will be separated with technoglass that sort of fogs up when you want privacy and unfogs when you want to talk to the person next to you. Plus superheadphones will switch on and off with the glass so you can hear only what you want to hear. Or something. Or whatever. They're expecting 6% of all offices to be equipped with these new privacy cubicles by the year 4500.

Here's 18 clips from The Office of the past...

4/7

So today tv was telling me about how they're reviewing the Patriot Act and talking about how maybe some of the things in the Patriot Act are like over the top mental like. They're gonna decide whether it's cool or not that the gov't can like search people's houses without a warrant and all that fun stuff. Personally I always thought it would be wicked cool if the FBI opened a file on me-- but I don't want them like all showing up here unannounced and being dicks. Like barging in all wearing sunglasses and shoving me over then holding up my dvd player yelling like, 'What's this crap! Huh!? Al Qaeda Commie type crap?!' Then smashing it all over the place. And me being like, 'Umm... Do you guys want a Dr. Pepper or something?'

Anyway, here's the Patriot Act. Print it out and read it in the john or something...

4/6

Today TV told me that 20% of all Americans are chronic procrastinators. Fear of failure is the number one reason most people procrastinate. Teddy Roosevelt actually didn't believe fear of failure was his number one reason. He once said, "I'm not scared of failure. I actually don't like avoiding work. I just like porno and video games more than anything else. Porn. Gaming. Porn porn. And gaming. When I have some porning or some fragging on my mind, doing presidenty stuff is the last thing on the list! Porno takes precedent for this president! Ha ha!' Teddy Roosevelt. A real pro procrastinator.

This guy is obviously an unprofessional procrastinator.

4/5

Today I found out something pretty friggin sleazy. The GOP has awarded something called the 2005 Physician of the Year award. To receive the award the winning doctor just has to send in like $1200 or something and they become the GOP Physician of the Year. Nice. Get a plaque and their photo taken with some high level dope and everything. Would be aok except that they award like thousands of people and they each need to send in $1200 to the GOP to get their award. Suckees and suckers.

Here's some mini-frauds for yer unmusement..

4/4

Today TV told me a story about a weird mystery noise in Florida. People who lived down by the water heard a weird like burping noise in the walls of their homes. They didn't know what it was. They checked the piping. They checked the waterheaters. They would get freaked out at night. Burping burping. All night burping. It turns out it was some fish that was in heat or something that has like a super bass noise it makes that carried through the water, through the ground, and up into people's houses. They have like a built in fishy boom box or something.

Anyway it's called the Black Drum fish. Here's a recipe if you wanna cook em and eat em. 

Hey! Jeff sent in the black drum fish noise from the other day factoid. Check it here.

Also more info bout the fish!

Hi Coolio Todd,
I think I would inform the readers on the fish recipe for Black Drum Fish
posted on 4/4/05. When a drum fish get too big, they get worms in the meat.
Not only does the meat get real tuff the older the fish gets. But the worms
even after cooked tastes bad and prolly will turn your stomache way before
the cooking process.

Kinda like Fear Factor except you dont win $50k for eating them.

Sincerely,

A Floridian Fan

4/3

Today I learnt the history of daylight savings. Although I watched a whole show about it and why its a cool idea I still look around my apartment and think about what a pain in the ass it is to change all the clocks. It usually takes me a solid 3 weeks before I finally end up changing the 'last' clock. My microwave clock.  Have you seen my microwave lately?

 

Gross. Anyway it was friggin Ben Franklin who originally came up with the daylight savings idea. Either him or it was one of his assistants who mentioned it first and he told the assistant it was a dopey idea then later on wrote this letter snagging all the credit and stuff. 

 

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