DAILY FACT I LEARNED FROM THE TV
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AUGUST 2006

 

8/31

So I suffered through the MTV Video Awards tonight. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or what but is something way wrong with that show now? Has it fallen into that... seriously does anybody really care... blackhole? Or is it me? I mean Jared Leto all dumbly goth? Beyonce in some over-rehearsed dorked out performance? Missy in a wearing a trashbag while driving a toy car that barely worked? Jack Black introducing Lou Reed and Pink like it's insane? The Raconteurs looking like the Tonight Show band. It was a mess. The only thing decent on MTV nowadays is the show Next... and that's because it makes fun of how bad it is.... or maybe I'm just grumpy tonite.

Check out Next if you haven't seen it. It's a trainwreck. Everything about it ain't right.

8/30

Today the news told me that cigarette companies are getting all desperate because people ain't smoking em like they used to. So they've been upping the level of nicotine so people get extra super addicted. Kool cigarettes increased their nicotine like 20% to lock people in. Seems like they sorta can do whatever they want. Not even list ingredients on the box? I realize the megapower of big tobacco-- but what is this alternative universe legal world the tobacco biz floats around in?

Then again this dude does look pretty cool. Looks like this dude was smoking something else. Look at this liar. Weird message on the RJ Reynolds site.

8/29

On local news tonite I saw a house that 'talks' to help sell itself. Basically it's like you're passing by a house for sale and its a 'talking house' they'll be a sign out front that says like 'Tune into AM 1490 and hear about what's inside this house!' You tune it in and listen to the house tell you all about what's inside. Sounds great!... umm... for friggin thieves.

Here's the talking house site....

8/28

Today I saw some stuff about how there's a new fabric coming to town. Light up threads. Basically if some celeb wants to be extra sparkly on the runway, her dress will actually light up the threads with LED lights. The reason this is different than say the spinning lights on a bra-- is this isn't something stuck onto the cloth. The cloth itself will light up. They say it's not only for fashion but for emergency workers who are going through a dark place or whatever. That type dealio. But most likely it will just end up being cool at rave parties... if they still have those... do they? Uch I'm officially old...umm... er.

Anyway, here's some light up bras!!

8/27

So tonite TV told me that polar bears genitals are like getting smaller. Apparently something is going on up yonder which is making their polar balls shrink. A spokesperson for polar bears said, 'Hey! We got it rough enough up here with the global warming sh*t without y'all pointing at our nuts and calling em puny! If you're so tough why don't you say it to our face!' One scientist took them up on the offer and was promptly mauled. His testicles were given as a gift to a female polar bear as earrings.

Here goes a live polar bear cam. All the polar bears are totally naked.

8/25

Today I saw a thing about how these ants called Trap-Jaw ants. I don't like them. I don't like them for many reasons but the main reason is they broke the landspeed record for the fastest moving body parts are something. They can slam their jaws shut at like 100MPH which apparently stings like a mo-fo if they clamp down on you. And the idea of thousands all over you is not good. But the good news if you gotta go one on one with one of em. Mono-a-anto. You can smush em pretty lickity split....

....as long as they don't spring up into your face and clamp down their pincers on your eyeball!!!

8/24

No daily fact tonite because I just burned 2 friggin hours watching a staggeringly stupid movie called 'The Island'. But for whatever reason I just couldn't shut it off. Everything was awful about it. The situation. The sets. The sound. The story. The Scarlet. The stunts. All super stupid. I think it may have been the laziest big budget movie I've ever seen. But I sort of liked it anyway...

Here's the stupid boat that was featured in the stupid movie too.

8/23

Tonite I seen that Pluto is getting the shaft from some astrononerds. Apparently they took a hard look at it and decided it might be too puny or something to be a legit planet and it might be downgraded to a planetini or something. A call was placed to the King of Saturn to get his comments about the status of Pluto and he said, 'Pluto can suck it! Them scrotums!' Then he blasted a fart into the phone. Then he said, 'Wait... hold on one sec...' and farted a followup squeaker into the phone and hung up. And that was that there.

But dude Davep seems to have Plutoid stuff covered..

8/22

This morning I woke up to some morning show telling me it might be doomsday today. So I was like, 'Uh oh, spaghettio! I thought Doomsday was a week from Thursday!' I mean if this is the last day of the world that means I'm gonna have to motivate and do something like memorable like asap. Not just sit around the house in my underwear watching TV or whatever. It's like first I'd have to figure out what I'd wanna do on this last day. Then motivate to go do it. Then actually do it. Then be vaguely disappointed for not doing it right. Then get all blown up later or whatever. Uch! Doomsday is a total hassle! Hopefully it'll be postponed or whatever...

Eh. Whatevs. Here's the end of the world in lego form.

8/21

So news told me that scientists discovered some weird snail that might help depression and brain probs if you eat it or something. It has some chemical goop or something that will scramble your transistors to get back in line or whatever. Never sure how they find out about this stuff. Did they like find some grizzly adams dude out in the woods smiling, laughing and eating snails off rocks and the scientists said, 'Hey! That guy might know something we don't know? Let's go munch some of them thar snails!'

Here's How to Be a Snail? And here's a snail poem. And here's smore info on the magical snails that fix your brain.

8/17

Tonite I watched the finale of America's Got Talent. I haven't really watched it all season but when anything is an 'event' show regardless of what it is-- I gotta watch. I've always been a sucker for 'event' shows ever since I was a kid and TV was going to tell everyone 'Who Shot JR' and stayed up late to find out who.... even though I had no friggin idea who anyone friggin was...

Here's who shot JR! (the acting is actually pretty hysterical) And here's America's #1 talent this week! (Like Annie with soul!)

8/16

Hey! Do you know how to defend yourself against a knife attack? No!? Yes!? Have you practiced with someone attacking you with a rubber knife?! Yes?! Do you realize that rubber knives can't hurt you really as much as a real knife? Yes? Don't you want to be attacked by a knife that can really hurt you as practice?! So you can feel real fear?! And improve your self-defense technique?! Huh?!

The shocknife will shock you good!

8/15

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. All day yesterday before I knew it was today already. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Here's some free music to keep you going till the next factizoid!

8/14

I seen today that they're releasing a new design for the Segway vehicles (you remember those? ginger? the things we'd all be riding to and from work and segway cops would low-speed pursue segway crooks.... if the future was the fake future.) Well they're coming out with a new one that's easier to steer or something. You know the six people who bought the original segways are tripley pissed now. Not only do the have to look like tools... but now they look like all out-of-date tools.

Imagine what this guy hears shouted at him as mountain bikers fly by. I bet it one of the insults rhymes with cupid cork.

8/13

So I found out today that jellyfish have become a real problem around Spanish beaches. Like around the Mediterranean Sea, jellyfish have been swarming like crazy for a couple months which has been keeping people from going in the water. Also the newslady said recently due to a lack of plankton or polluted waters or something that some of the jellyfish somehow gotten aggressive and have been launching themselves from the water and sometimes stinging people on the land. Evolu-Coolio! (except if you got stunged of course)

Here's some more info on them new flying jellyfish!

8/12

Today TV told me that the Navy is concerned that their underwater robots are not top notch top notch- so they're turning to the genpop for underwater robot designs before the underwater robots get out of control and start designing themselves. Seems cool. So what does some nerd get for designing a kickass underwater robot that can do all sorts of crazy stuff all underwater by itself? Seven grand and a t-shirt or something.

Here's all the competitors with their underwater robot website links.

8/11

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. There were definitely some facts on tv that were factual which is a fact but the fact of the matter is there wasn't a fact fascinatingly factual enough to be worthy of factizinagoliation here.

Here's F**k the Facts (Warning: F word and loudness on the click thru.)

8/10

Tonite some science nerd told me about how they're going to try and predict when a volcanoe will go splode all over the place by recording seismic patterns and setting them to music. It'll be like a little concerto and like say when the cymbals crash together that means that's the time the volcano will go splode all over the place. Seems coolio... or maybe more umm...  stupido.

How many times can you watch the cheese volcano in a row before no more cheese volcano ever again? Me? 4.

8/9

I found out last night that they're working away on techniques for invisibility. Like in real life. Some sort of invisibility shield by messing with light or something like that. Agoraphobics, pervs and spoiled rich kids everywhere did like a hip hip hurray type cheer type thing. Harry Potter cloaking device due in stores Christmas 3024.

INVISIBLE OCTOPUS!

8/8

Tonite I watched some show called Rockstar which I guess is like terrible american rocker idol or whatever. I sat through this thing wondering who the hell watches a show like this. Tommy Lee with his shirt. Dave Nerdvarro with his black fingernails. And then some other dudes who were all cocky about being famous and I had no idea who they were. And the singing was horrible. I was like, "Who watches this crap!?" Then I realized who does... Me!

Look at this loud obnoxious website too! They actually refer to the singers as "rockers" And it's a part of MSN.... how rock and roll....

8/7

Today TV told me something about bratty kids who act up and have tantrums and stuff. It might not be so much about them being bratty or whatever. They might have an actual disorder called ummm... 'Sensory Processing Disorder'. The lady on TV told me that some kids are like hypersensitive to information. Like if you are trying to get them to eat and touching them and like talking to them they like experience everything turned up to 11 and start freaking out. Or something.

When I was a kid I had a tantrum in the city because I wanted to have a pretzel and my mom still reminds me of it. Cause I was all like, "I wannaprezelnow! Iwannaprezelnowwww!!!!'

 Here's smore info on SPD.

8/6

So today I found out that the reconstruction in Iraq is all screwed up because dudes are way too busy stealing money like non-stop and projects get all stalled out. TV said that one single Iraqi dude stole one BILLION dollars from the reconstruction effort all by himself. I get how money flies away at war time but the idea of one dude backing his van up to the vault and helping himself to a billion dollars is a little sicknin. That scummer now has a thousand million dollars by being a greedy dick! And I can't even get one by being a nice guy?

There's some "Snapshots of Progress" over yonder which made me feel a little better... (scroll down past the (cough) "Triangle of Death" article)

8/5

Sorry no fact yesterday. Right now I'm watching a show about pre-fab homes. Apparently you can order a house through the mail. The house arrives on a truck in pieces and you put it all together. The idea is that you save money on labor and have the pleasure of building your own home. Which seems to work out great for some. For dunces like me I think my pre-fab house would be covered in duct tape all rickety with extra pieces all lying around and it would probably be on fire.

Here's the fancy Flat Pak house. And the ol' Sears by mail houses.

8/3

Today nerd channel told me that scientist are stumped because they found a pair of things out in space that aren't planets and aren't stars. They're something in between or something and there's a pair of em hanging out. Right now they're calling them 'Planemos' or something (working title name hopefully. planemos?) Anyway they're acting weird so astrononerds are all geek bonered on them twins. Two big round matching twin globes. I wonder why they're so excited...

Anyway to get more info on the discovery-- a top scientist telephoned the King of Saturn to get his thoughts on planemos.

Here's how the conversation went:

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<ring ring>

<clik>

Alien music blares loud in the background.

King of Saturn: OK! I got it!... Yes! I said I got it!.... I GOT IT! IT'S GOT!

Earth Scientist: Hello?

King of Saturn: What?

Earth Scientist: Sir?

King of Saturn: ...No honey, I don't know who it is yet because I haven't said hello yet! How could I know who it is if I haven't had a chance to say f**kin hello!...

Earth Scientist: Hello? Honorable King of...

King of Saturn: ... I told you! We're not getting called ID!

Earth Scientist: Excuse me... Sir King.... sir?

King of Saturn: Because I don't f**king like caller ID! I like surprises! Caller ID spoils the surprise!

Earth Scientist: Sir... ?

King of Saturn: BECAUSE I'M THE THE MOTHER F**K KING! THAT'S WHY!

Earth Scientist. Honora...

King of Saturn: BECAUSE KINGS LIKE SURPRISES!

Earth Scientist: Honorab...

King of Saturn: No! I still don't know who's on the phone because I've been talking to you since I picked it up!

Earth Scientist: Maybe we shoul...

King of Saturn: ...I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU! IF I WANTED TO YELL THIS IS YELLING! YELLING NOW!!!! SEE!!!! YOU GOT ME YELLING!!!!

Earth Scientist: Please sir. I'd like to talk to you about the recently discovered...

King of Saturn: OK! Ok! Fine! I'll find out who the f**k it is!!... Who is this?!

Earth Scientist: Me?

King of Saturn: Whoever the f**k you are! Yes! Hell the f**k oh! You got thirty seconds...

Earth Scientist: Umm.. Yes. (achem) Greetings your grand royal highness...

King of Saturn: Time's ticking, chubs. The What? The Why? And The How Much? Let's go. Now it's twenty seconds...

Earth Scientist: Well sir we're calling for scientific reasons. We wanted to get your opinion on...

King of Saturn: Oh shit hold on.... YES! It's an science f**k!... From Earth!! From Earth, right?

Earth Scientist: Yes sir.

King of Saturn: From Earth!!

Earth Scientist: Correct...

King of Saturn: No I haven't gotten his name!...uch...  What's your name, douche?

Earth Scientist: Ummm...Sheldon, sir.

King of Saturn: ...His name is Sheldon!

Earth Scientist: Sir if we could...

King of Saturn: SHELDON!.... SHEL....DON! DAMN IT! WHAT THE F**K DIFFERENCE IS HIS F**KIN NAME!

Earth Scientist: Honorable sir... If I could....

King of Saturn: Ooh, hey robot! Is that shrimp you got there?...

Earth Scientist: I...

King of Saturn: Well, where you goin with that? Bring it here..

<loud gobbily chewing noises are heard>

Earth Scientist: Sir we can call back... if you...

<more loud gobbily chewing noises are heard>

King of Saturn: Hey Shel?

<more chewing>

Earth Scientist: Yes sir...

King of Saturn: Check this out...Ready?

Earth Scientist: Yes sir...

<more chewing>

King of Saturn:  a one...a two... and...a thruh<click>

<dial tone>

8/2

So today I learnt that India is sort of pissed because Coke and Pepsi have been adding a secret ingredient to their softdrinks called 'Pesticides'. I guess this is some test marketing thing that's being done overseas. But people in India aren't buying into the campaign too much. I guess something got lost in the translation... Coke and Pepsi couldn't both have poisonous pesticides in their pop? Could they? Maybe that top secret merger with Dow was a bad call?

Indian Pepsi ads! Kinky! Dorks! Huh? And bonus totally WTF ad!?

8/1

So tonite I found out that someone finally found something coolio to do with the melting ice cap situation.... MAKE BEER! Some wacked company in Greenland is making like Melted Ice Cap beer or something. Supposedly made with water freshly melted off the ice caps. They say the water is thousands of years old and super pure and stuff. Just not sure why 2000 year old water is ok to drink but friggin "pure" poland spring has an expiration date in 2007...

Here's a penguin cam for New York City penguins! Quack quack! (or whatever they say...) Penguin baby!

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