February 01 2012
So yesterday I go into my local barbershop to get my haircut (or buzzed or whatever). The shop is run by a bunch of Uzbekistans (for real) and they’re always showing some movie on their flatscreen that I’d bet they’ve seen at least 20x. Recently, they were watching True Lies.
Here’s how that conversation went:
Me: Hey! You’re watching True Lies!
Barber: Yes. True Lies eez the best movie.
Me: Yeah, it’s a good movie.
Barber: No! True Lies eez BEST movie.
Whoa guy. Take it easy…
Anyway, yesterday I go in there and they’re showing something different. The barber razoring my head was showing the Bar Mitzvah video of his son. Fun video with all these Uzbeks dancing around to an 12-piece Uzbek band doing their best to cover, ‘Every days eez shufflings…’ Cue blasting trumpets.
Of course, I feel compelled to ask talk about the video and ask questions. (Why else show it to strangers?) But it went weird.
Me: Hey! You got a looking family there! So, your son is thirteen…
Barber: Yes thirteen. You a jew?
Me: Uh yeah. I am. (?)
Barber: Then you know thirteen is bar mitzvah.
Then silence. He sounded grumpy at me. I’m thinking like, ‘Take it easy, guy…’ Just making conversation about YOUR video playing in MY face….
The video keeps playing some girl is dancing around.
Me: Hey! Who’s that there?
Barber: Eez cousin.
Barber: You not know her.
(No! I don’t f-kin know her! Obviously! WTF! Why’s he being all rude about this??)
The video keeps playing and I see the barber himself dancing. He’s pretty stiff.
Me: Look at you! Busting the moves!
Barber: You make fun?
Me: No! No! It looks like you’re having a good time!
WTF!!! He gives me a second long look at me through the reflection in the mirror to make sure I’m not making fun– then goes back to razoring my head…
I gave up. We sat there in silence while I watched dancing and candle lighting and all sorts of stuff. It was awkward. I’d rather be watching True Lies or Problem Child. I had no magazine to hide in either.
I couldn’t tell if he was mad about the bar mitzvah or my questions or maybe he was unhappy with one too many ‘starburst’ transitions in the video production or whatever. But I was like, ‘WTF, dude! You can’t run a home video in my face then act like I’m a dick for asking the basic questions!
Why does everything have to be a thing?!
Get to the catch area and then head off towards the end zone to try and score a touch down!
You are a battle marine from the future that has been sent back in time to change the future.