TUESDAY

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Hello, my name is Luke.

I have a related incident.

When I got out of the military in 2004 I moved close to home to finish my education. I needed a job and ended up getting one at a major supermarket chain as a bookkeeper. The store was new and prepping to open its doors for the first time. I had to do a three day, in store training coarse to learn the ways of the bookkeeper. My trainer was part of upper management, who also happened to be a short, fat, ugly supermarket manager Nazi. Once all departments and all employees were trained, upper management wanted to have a fun party/pep rally at a local hotel ballroom, mandatory attendance.

So I show up to the hotel around 7. Inside the ballroom are rows of chairs with about 50 to 60 lower class and jaded grocery store employees looking depressed, including myself. In front was the Upper Management team, but I did not see my short, fat, ugly supermarket manager Nazi lady.

Finally, the general manager starts clapping his hands, like to a beat. He’s starts yelling, “c’mon on people,” and “Let’s go,” as if to spark excitement. Maybe three people are clapping at this point. The manager hits play on this shitty off brand tape player (from the shelves of the store) and that “Ceeeeeeeeel-la-brate good times C’MON!” song starts playing.

All of a sudden I hear this, “WOO HOO” screaming and hollering coming from out the door. I turn around and out pops the short, fat, ugly supermarket manager Nazi lady in a short skirt cheerleader outfit complete with pom-poms and pig tails, and cottage cheese thighs a-flap’n and a jiggle’n. She is raising hell to get people excited, it was disgusting.

She runs between two rows of chairs like she is on fire, flailing her pom-poms and freaking out. All of a sudden she eats it HARD on the carpet floors with about three rows to go. Clearing six or seven chairs, she gets all spread eagle on the ground, grunting grabbing for support like a slow motion death scene.

Now, this guy denies it, but I saw the new deli guy stick his leg out as a joke as she was running, probably not trying to trip her, but I think he did. Either way, it resulted in a busted bloody knee, and an unwanted crotch shot from my manager. It was really gross. It was a jungle of jiggely flab, hair (on man), and varicose veins. I quit three weeks later when my student loans came in.

P.S. - Happy Birthday Todd! My sister is a very qualified, yet, unemployed job hunter. Her fiancé introduced her to your website and she says it makes her feel better about her situation, how shitty the economy is, and how everyone is losing jobs. She’s learned to B-positive (+), and have faith! Thanks for doing what you do man!

I got a job in the office of a meat packing plant in Detroit. I met with the owner, a really nice man, I didn't get to meet my manager who was just starting the week I interviewed. Had I met her first I wouldn't be telling this story...

My first day came and lucky me got to sit directly across from her my desk facing her desk with a few feet in between.
She was a short woman who didn't wear makeup, had dark circles under her eyes, dowdy clothes made of polyester and usually wore a tapestry suit jacket that looked like a curtain.

We only got a half hour lunch and there was no lunch room, so I always went out with a few friends I made in the office and sometimes we would inevitably be late. She would walk up to us on our way in and ask to talk to just me, she would single me out since she felt like she couldn't tell people who had worked there years what to do. Once I got the nerve to tell her I didn't go to lunch alone, she walked away seething.

When Christmas rolled around the nice owner gave us each a Poinsettia. My Poinsettia thrived long after everyone elses died. I would just put whatever water I had in my mug at the end of the day into the plant and it just kept blooming. The owner would walk by and make a nice comment about how good the plant looked, then I would get the evil eye or eye roll from my manager. Sometimes I would take it to the coffee area where there was a sink and I would preen it just to get on her nerves.

My manager would always keep an eye on how much more work I had on my desk, so she could come drop off another load as soon as I was finished. No comments or anything from her she would literally drop the work on my desk. She hated me and my friends at work could tell that too. If I happened to talk about anything other than work or laugh she would stare me down. During the winter months it was awful, I had seasonal affective disorder from not seeing the sun hardly ever, go to work and put up with her and on my way out the door I would try really hard not to look at the skinned lamb heads that were in a huge bucket placed right next to a large window at the bottom of the stairwell, it was awful.

I decided to move to Arizona and live with my sister and see if I liked it there, that was my only ray of sunshine but, I needed to still work there to save up the money. I figured it would take me 4 long months so everyday I would mark down the days left at that crappy job on my calendar.

I kept in touch with a friend there and it turns out right after I left the manager quit. And years later, the Poinsettia plant was still alive.

I work for a small, laid back environmental company. The two owners are cool. They are both relaxed, chill, not strict as long as you do your job. The best right? Well, the office manager whom I am forced to answer to is something straight from outer space. My first impression looks wise was 40 something year old former Jerry Springer guest. She asked me in my first week to guess her age, which is never a safe question. I thought I was being nice when I replied mid-thrities. Yeah....she's actually early thirties. I had her pegged for an entire decade older.

Anyway, she's very condescending and incredibly dumb. Once we had a client come in to join a meeting in progress with the big guys. I told the client that she was expected and to go ahead through to the meeting. Oh snap. Swamp Thing (because of her nasty, rancid mystery smell and horrid appearance) comes waddling quickly out of her office all worried saying "no, no, no....no, no, no!!!". The client and I are like "oooookkkaaaaayyyyy....what is it Tina?" She says to the cleint "What's your name?" and the client is like "Renee something or other". Swamp thing is looking three kinds of confused with her mouth hanging open and then scrunches her ugly ass face and I shit you not-says "WHOOO? Renee ZELLEWEGGER?!?!?!?" the client and I are just like "uummmm no Tina. It's Renee something or other to see Dennis and Steve, they are waiting for her. Renee Zellwegger is a famous actress, this is just a lady from Dynecol". Ugh....Next I want to mention the lunchroom chronicles. During lunch, this hacking, disgusting bitch asks the most retarded questions.

On the topic of Hitler she blurts out..."Is Hitler still alive?" Me in my head "fucking get hit by a bus". About Global Warming she's like "Is global warming like a spiritual thing for those terrorist groups?" Me in my head "I hope you die the most painful and unforgiving death". On election day for the goddamn PRESIDENT she's like "What the fuck is everybody voting for today?" She's the same bitch who has to eat at exactly noon everyday or else she "gets confused, angry and tired" to the point that she has to go home. The same bitch who called me in on my vacation day knowing I had just gotten off a long flight and was sleeping to have me come in only to find that there was no reason for me to be there. The big bosses, everyone was like "why are you here? She called you in? might as well stay now that you're here". I had to DEMAND that vacation time too.

After three years of her taking vacation days left and right I had not gotten one single request approved because she didn't want to be here by herself. She didn't know how to do a google search to find the Macomb Couny Clerks office site and # yet she does our accounting?!?!! Scary, I know. She files backwards on purpose saying that's the only way she knows how to file and refuses to change or let anyone else change it. She files under first name initials instead of last name initials and the whole office is fucked up that way. She talks about her period constantly which is absolutely disgusting and inappropriate. She claims she cannot wear tampons and needs to wear three boat sized pads at once. Fucking sick. She's obsessed with other people's cycles too.

Again, I shit you not-she pulled a tampon wrapper from the garbage and put it ony my desk then asked me if it was mine. She wanted to see if her "flow changed" and was at the same time as mine. She takes work that I finished and brings it to the big guys to make it look like she did it. So she steals my credit all the time. I just hate her. I hate her so much that I google searched "boss from hell" at my desk and found you. I could go on and on and on and write this so much better but I'm in the devil's lair as we speak and now i have to run. Thanks for the stories. I no longer feel so alone. lol.
~Jen