But I did pick up a pair of summer shoes that I really like!! To replace my crocs!

Check em out!

Cool, right? Plus, they have the one quality that I loved about my Crocs! No laces! So no bending down to put on! And stuff!

Anyway, these shoes really need the little white socks because if I don’t wear socks in these shoes my feet end up smelling like Doritos. And for a couple months now I’ve been really low on little white socks. I have maybe 2 pairs. I keep meaning to buy a new pack of little socks and then I keep forgetting. And I go out sockless. And get Dorito feet. (Or it might be BBQ Frito feet…)

Whatever. Recently, I decided to put this ridiculous problem to rest and I bought a pack of 12 little socks online somewhere. I get them in the mail the other day and rip open the pack. They looked perfect! I tried them on. They felt good on my feet! So I threw the packaging and everything in the garbage…

Handsome pair of socks, right?

I got a dozen of em too!

But when I took my new little socks on their maiden voyage with my blue shoes– something wernt right! Look at this! They’re like too big or something! Makes my coolio shoes worse than crocs!

I can’t tell if maybe they’re just oversized or what! (I think I ordered size 13 which is my foot size). Why are they all up on my ankle that way!? All riding up off my feet or whatever! I’m supposed to look like I have no socks on! I can’t walk around in socks like this dorking that hard! Can I? Is it? Maybe they’re not wrong? They seem wrong. I dunno!

I think my feet look better like this!

And I’m extra pissed extra because I thought my sock problems was solved– and meanwhile it’s totally unsolved AND I got a dozen pair of these questionable goonie socks clogging up my underwear drawer!!

ok bye!
tOdd

I don’t go into your place often because I have my bagel place– but sometimes in a moment of weakness while walking the dog I’ll head to your bagel store. For a bagel and iced coffay. And seriously every single time I patronize your place I get the same treatment. It’s almost like your customer service policy is from the bizarro world or something.

First off, I walk in the door and immediately get glared at by your cashier. She gives me a look that I would assume is exclusively reserved for shirtless men carrying cats. Then she looks away like ‘Uch. This guy again…?’ Hey! I’m in your shop once every six months, Sunshine!

Second, some dick in a baseball hat looks at me and nods as if he’s ready to take my order. When I start talking he rudely cuts me off and points at someone else. Hey! What the hell did you nod at me for?!

Three, the order guy seems extra annoyed that I am asking him to make me a bagel. He gives me that blank stared– ‘Yeah, I’ll get your fkin bagel but I ain’t gonna be happy about it. At all.‘ vibe. WTF! What did I do? The sign outside says, ‘Bagels’!!

Fourthly, after ordering ‘bagel with vegetable cream cheese’— without fail you re-ask me what kind of cream cheese I want. And when I say, ‘Vegetable. And just a little bit, please.‘ — You look at me like I just asked for a delicate sprinkling of pink sprinkles. Hey! I’m not a cream cheese wimp! The only reason I ask for “a little” is because you go 5 inches cream cheese thick otherwise! (btw since when is everyone so mental with the extra gloppy cream cheese, anyway?!)

Fifth, you take forever. And ever. Usually around ten minutes to get the stupid bagel together– untoasted! Umm… Maybe the hold up is all the people jammed up at the cashier complaining about something missing from their order?

So, yesterday when I spilled my full iced coffee all over your counter I wasn’t surprised by your attitude…

First off! The only reason I spilled the friggin iced coffee was because you didn’t tighten down the plastic lid!! You only placed it on top without battening it down!? Sneaky! So yes, when I picked it up I expected the lip to hold at least a little bit– but then it slipped and tipped and went everywhere. Full out. Splashed your Lotto machine and everything…

So what’s your move after the disaster? You say, ‘Uch…’ and plop a disgusting dirty fresh from the toilet looking wet rag down in front of me and walk away?!

‘Oh… you want me to…? Oh this gross soggy rag is for me?’ Hey Toots! (Yes, I went ‘Toots’!) The rag isn’t for me! The top wasn’t on! So the spill was actually your fault! Sorta! In any case, you are supposed to clean it up because you work there and spills happen! Part of the job! Your job!

We had a moment of high-noon standoff before you grumpily started wiping it up! Which was fine by me! (I helped with napkins) Then when you gave me the replacement iced coffay– I did snarkily ask, ‘Is the lid on this time?’ I needed to let you know that you were actually responsible for the prior lid lax thus spillage!

In the end, your bagels are really friggin good which keep me coming back (every six months). But man, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place that is so consistently rude and angry and all that.

I don’t like you dickish bagel shop! And that is all I have to say to you today.

And with that I say good day, sir!

ok bye!
tOdd

ACTION PHOTO!! I’M ABOUT TO KARATE KICK YOU IN THE FACE!!!

I wear these shorts probably three days a week all summer long. They’re my fave. A few weeks ago I noticed there was a decent sized hole in one of the front pockets. My keys snuck through and I was like, ‘Oh no! Pocket hole!’ So did I sew? No.

As a precaution I totally ripped the hole open all the way so there was no chance of things sneak falling out while I walked around. If I put anything in there it would immediately slide through and hit the floor. Straight through. So I’d know right away that that pocket can’t be trusted. Smart right? With these cargo shorts I had five other pockets too! I figured I’d just learn to not use the left front one. Break the habit of it…

Three weeks later I’m still constantly putting things in the pocket-less left front pocket! And stuff has been hitting the floor (or concrete) way often whenever I wear these shorts! Wallet (foomp). Keys (clank). iPhone (clatter). Straight through. Swish! Over and over and over and over and over. I’ve been dropping stuff straight through for weeks now.

(Admittedly I am now officially impressed with the durability of the iPhone. I’ve dropped it at least a dozen times now. That thing should be way broken by now. Yes, I know I should get a protector thing but that’s a whole other story. I’ve had three cases so far. Long story.)

Anyway, this morning I’m getting ready to head out to walk the dog and put my keys in my pocket (clank). Then a minute later I grab my wallet and put it through (foomp). And I’m like, ‘WTF!!! When is this going to stop!?!’ As if my tailor fairy was slacking on vacation or something.

Finally, a lightbulb went off in my head and I simply grabbed a safety pin and pinned the left front pocket shut. Condemned it. Now whenever I go for that pocket, safety pin is all, ‘Nuh uh uh… No mas!’ And I’m like, ‘Thanks safety pin!’ And I’ll use another pocket.

Smart thing, right?! Except it’s not! Because it took me over three weeks to deal with the situation! All sorts of options to choose from– and finally I took action with a lazy temp fix! Why do I get the feeling ‘normal’ people who have a pocket-hole situation deal with it asap? Or at least after a day or so. Especially, when something like an iPhone is at immediate risk. (btw sometimes I’d have my headphones on and drop the iphone through and I’d have that awkward moment of wires connected to my ears hanging dangling out my pant leg. I’d like freeze not knowing how to deal with the situation. Scared a sudden move would make the jack pop out…)

Anyway, when I get these shorts back from the laundry if safety pin is gone– I’ll know I need a more serious solution. And unfortunately I know the three week turnaround toward a new solution will start all over again…

ok bye!
tOdd

PS. I made these cargo ‘shorts’ myself after recently finding out stuff about cargo ‘pants’. (I posted about the cargo-pants situation a while ago here if you’re in a readee mood.

PPS. I hadddd to go brag about the ‘durability’ of the friggin iPhone– yah.. this was yesterday after a simple drop to a wooden floor. Crackkk… still works tho… So I guess that’s something.

The other day I was walking around with a friend and she brought up a good point. Here tis.

Cabs have three settings. These three:

But in the daytime when it’s bright out it’s hard sometimes to see which lights are on. Is the center light on? Or is it the two Off Duty lights? You can see easily if the cab is ‘Busy’ (aka passenger inside) with no lights on– that’s no problem.

So here’s the question: Why do I friggin care if a cab is ‘Off Duty’? As far as I’m concerned– you’re either picking me up or you’re not. Why not just have light ON or light OFF? I don’t need to know your schedule! Off-duty On-Duty? It’s not my business! Are you stopping for me or ain’t-cha? Light on says YES! Light off says NO! Let’s fix that!

ON TO #2 ANNOYING THING>>>

#2. The Phone “1″

Are we still dialing a “1″ before we make a phonecall ever or not? Is dialing “1″ done? Or just sometimes or what? I think there needs to be some formal announcement because I still have a half-habit of dialing “1″ before making any phonecall– even though I think dialing “1″ is now officially over. Just let me know one way or another, phone people! I know it works either way but if dialing a “1″ is never necessary let’s make that official so I can throw it on the “http://” pile. This of all the time I waste dialing a stupid “1″ if it’s not necessary! Those fractions of a second add up to seconds!!

Thank you!

#3. DVR Problemos

Two things about DVR’s.

First… Hey A&E jerks! Get a clue when it comes to Intervention! Don’t run the friggin show one minute over like an a-hole– when in that precious one minute over you tell us if the person gets clean or not! Keep your friggin shows in your timeslots! No spillage! Yes, I know I can set my DVD to record extra minutes but you can’t rely on that sh-t! You can’t even rely on the DVR to record it in the first place! Or it records it 10x over! Get it together! Don’t put the responsibility on me to dig in on the crap wonked DVR specific programming confusion! Record new show til it’s over! Boom done!

Also is nobody going to talk about the ‘under the radar’ problem that DVRs are choking on the friggin HD or something because for me every other recorded show turns out all skippy and freezy! Are we just gonna ignore this? It isn’t just me! Everyone I talk to has the issue with the skippy and the freezy! I want my skippy and freezy fixed! Chop chop! Do you think we don’t notice?!

ok that’s it bye!
tOdd

PS. Btw that lego picture is from this cute book here. I found that image in google images but might as well give the book props like decent web person. I’ve seen it before and it’s super smart and cute.

I get downstairs and open the door expecting to see the package at my feet. Instead I see some like teenagery looking kid. Regular baseball hat. No UPS uniform. He was kind of turned sideways on my porch and he was holding my small UPS box. We had a weird moment where I was sort of like, ‘Who… What are you doing here?’ And he had a weird moment where he just didn’t move.

Then he handed the package to me and said, ‘Here’s your package, sir…’ (Sir?) I took it from him and he immediately hustled off my stoop. I shut the door and headed upstairs thinking like, ‘What’s up with UPS today? Why is the delivery guy all dress-down Friday or whatever…’

Then I realized what was more likely… It wasn’t the UPS guy. It was a thief! Mid-crime! I’ve had a few boxes stolen off my front steps over the years so it just made sense.

Here’s how it works (in theory):

Teenager crook on bicycle tails the UPS truck. UPS guy makes his deliveries stoop to stoop. Teenager crook waits to see who opens the door right away or who lets stuff sit on their stoop. He assumes if the person doesn’t come downstairs right away they’re not gonna. If it’s a smaller package he heads up the stoop and snatches the goods. Back on the bicycle and gone in a flash.

Except this time he was totally busted mid-snatch! I opened the door mid-crime! My spidey sense sucks I guess because I was too dumb to realize I was likely catching a crook! I could have been the hero!

Then again if it just happened to be a real-life UPS guy in dress down and if I tackled him on the porch yelling, “Police police! This no-good hoodlum is trying to steal my 8-port USB hub! Help police!’ that probably wouldn’t have gone so well either. So I guess it was win-win… umm… except for the neighbor getting a package who wasn’t home that day…

ok bye!
tOdd

This was supposed to be our year. The year where I finally could see the endless excitement in you. The year you would tap into my inner hooligan and chug beer with me until I pick a fight with some random scottish dude and pummel fight until people separate us and I spit stray teeth at him out of spite. This was to be the year I could look at David Beckham and see something other than some android douche with a creepy hologram wife. And I wanted the wild eyed hopes of the US winning the World Cup and adding one more notch to our bedpost of American world f*ckery!!

You were supposed to be extra juicy right out of the gate too! We Americans secretly (or publicly) wanted to hand the brits a big face smack for squatting in our Gulf and making diarrhea everywhere. It would be a satisfying crotch grab to humiliate England in a sport they cherish and Americans barely acknowledge as an actual sport.

And out here in Brooklyn every bar with a TV was packed too! French bistro bars and Irish pubs were so loaded that people spilled out into the streets! Even bars that had no previous interest in sports had jacked up TV’s and were standing room only…

But soccer… I gotta tell you. You friggin choked. You had a open net to grab Americans in a hooligan headlock, jam our faces to the screen, and show us what you’ve been so mental about all these years. You could have finally opened our eyes to the hidden excitement of sport that just looks like a bunch of prancy dudes running around like pedigree poodles chasing a ball. We wanted to see what you see!

And what do you give us?

First off, you give us a blaring horn full blast the entire game. Right in our ears. I thought something was wrong the the friggin TV— turns out there was something wrong with the actual people! I tried to imagine myself sitting in the stadium surrounded by fans who simply refuse to stop blowing horns. Even our worst drunk a-hole Jets fan has the etiquette to only blow his air-horn a half-dozen times a game max.

And… a tie? You give us a 1-1 tie. Probably the lamest of all sports scores. And your dickheaded snooty announcer made fun of our fluke Buckner style goal. Hey, it’s your goalie that sucks! Don’t be all trying to take us down a notch! You’re lucky you didn’t lose! And the tie game didn’t even end exciting against a burning clock or something. It just ended with a whatevery whatever.

I’m sorry, soccer. I really hoped this would work out. I like you. I used to play you alot. But what the hell, Soccer!? This was your moment to shine! Get your UK team to friggin beat us 5-4 so we can vow revenge! Or have us beat on the Brits to get our interest going in actually winning the whole thing! Give us something to get behind! 1-1 tie with our temporary fake enemy?! Yawn. And now I’m supposed to care if we beat Ghana!?

And for frucks sake! Shut up those horrible tuba kazoos or whatever the hell they are!

ok bye!
tOdd

*RETRACTION: I think the horns are now like energetic, charmingly atmospheric and funny– but I still get bored watching the sport. I may have been too quick to judge vuvuzelas as flat out annoying and I kind of want one.

ok bye!
tOdd