June 28 2010

Suspicious Package Delivery

So the other day, I was minding my own business doing my dishes when the buzzer rang. I pushed the intercom and a familiar voice said, ‘UPS. Got a package for you.’ When my UPS guy has something for me to sign he’ll say, ‘Gotta sign for this one…’ But when I don’t need to sign for it– he usually just leaves it on the stoop after hearing that I’m home. This time it took me a minute or two to get downstairs because I had like two more dishes to finish and had to dry my hands or whatever.

I get downstairs and open the door expecting to see the package at my feet. Instead I see some like teenagery looking kid. Regular baseball hat. No UPS uniform. He was kind of turned sideways on my porch and he was holding my small UPS box. We had a weird moment where I was sort of like, ‘Who… What are you doing here?’ And he had a weird moment where he just didn’t move.

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June 13 2010

Dear Soccer… (+retraction*)

Dear Soccer,

This was supposed to be our year. The year where I finally could see the endless excitement in you. The year you would tap into my inner hooligan and chug beer with me until I pick a fight with some random scottish dude and pummel fight until people separate us and I spit stray teeth at him out of spite. This was to be the year I could look at David Beckham and see something other than some android douche with a creepy hologram wife. And I wanted the wild eyed hopes of the US winning the World Cup and adding one more notch to our bedpost of American world f*ckery!!

You were supposed to be extra juicy right out of the gate too! We Americans secretly (or publicly) wanted to hand the brits a big face smack for squatting in our Gulf and making diarrhea everywhere. It would be a satisfying crotch grab to humiliate England in a sport they cherish and Americans barely acknowledge as an actual sport.

And out here in Brooklyn every bar with a TV was packed too! French bistro bars and Irish pubs were so loaded that people spilled out into the streets! Even bars that had no previous interest in sports had jacked up TV’s and were standing room only…

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