July 27 2010
You are not my local bagel shop.
I don’t go into your place often because I have my bagel place– but sometimes in a moment of weakness while walking the dog I’ll head to your bagel store. For a bagel and iced coffay. And seriously every single time I patronize your place I get the same treatment. It’s almost like your customer service policy is from the bizarro world or something.
First off, I walk in the door and immediately get glared at by your cashier. She gives me a look that I would assume is exclusively reserved for shirtless men carrying cats. Then she looks away like ‘Uch. This guy again…?’ Hey! I’m in your shop once every six months, Sunshine!
Second, some dick in a baseball hat looks at me and nods as if he’s ready to take my order. When I start talking he rudely cuts me off and points at someone else. Hey! What the hell did you nod at me for?!
Three, the order guy seems extra annoyed that I am asking him to make me a bagel. He gives me that blank stared– ‘Yeah, I’ll get your fkin bagel but I ain’t gonna be happy about it. At all.‘ vibe. WTF! What did I do? The sign outside says, ‘Bagels’!!
Fourthly, after ordering ‘bagel with vegetable cream cheese’— without fail you re-ask me what kind of cream cheese I want. And when I say, ‘Vegetable. And just a little bit, please.‘ — You look at me like I just asked for a delicate sprinkling of pink sprinkles. Hey! I’m not a cream cheese wimp! The only reason I ask for “a little” is because you go 5 inches cream cheese thick otherwise! (btw since when is everyone so mental with the extra gloppy cream cheese, anyway?!)
Fifth, you take forever. And ever. Usually around ten minutes to get the stupid bagel together– untoasted! Umm… Maybe the hold up is all the people jammed up at the cashier complaining about something missing from their order?
So, yesterday when I spilled my full iced coffee all over your counter I wasn’t surprised by your attitude…
First off! The only reason I spilled the friggin iced coffee was because you didn’t tighten down the plastic lid!! You only placed it on top without battening it down!? Sneaky! So yes, when I picked it up I expected the lip to hold at least a little bit– but then it slipped and tipped and went everywhere. Full out. Splashed your Lotto machine and everything…
So what’s your move after the disaster? You say, ‘Uch…’ and plop a disgusting dirty fresh from the toilet looking wet rag down in front of me and walk away?!
‘Oh… you want me to…? Oh this gross soggy rag is for me?’ Hey Toots! (Yes, I went ‘Toots’!) The rag isn’t for me! The top wasn’t on! So the spill was actually your fault! Sorta! In any case, you are supposed to clean it up because you work there and spills happen! Part of the job! Your job!
We had a moment of high-noon standoff before you grumpily started wiping it up! Which was fine by me! (I helped with napkins) Then when you gave me the replacement iced coffay– I did snarkily ask, ‘Is the lid on this time?’ I needed to let you know that you were actually responsible for the prior lid lax thus spillage!
In the end, your bagels are really friggin good which keep me coming back (every six months). But man, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a place that is so consistently rude and angry and all that.
I don’t like you dickish bagel shop! And that is all I have to say to you today.
And with that I say good day, sir!