DAILY FACT I LEARNED FROM THE TV
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DECEMBER 2007

12/28

So today TV told me that people are getting green enviro-friendly when it comes to coffins. Instead of like serious wood sealed shut to keep you from escaping-- they have a coffin that's like biodegradable including you or whatever. Made out of paper and orange peels or something. I guess it makes sense. But the whole graveyard thing seems a little dated. I think I'd like to be blasted into the sun or stuffed by a taxidermist dude to look like a zombie or something....

Anyway, if you wanna go out in green style... here's the Ecopod.

12/26

Yesterday, I seen on the TV that nanotechnology has made an advancement of sorts. They've been able to print the entire bible on like the head of a pin or something. Is this really what they're focused on? Printing stuff on stuff? How bout getting it together to make little teeny tiny robots that shoot little teeny tiny laser or have little teeny tiny smashers and put them all under a microscope for a little teeny tiny televised robot war. And charge pay per view and allow gambling. Which will fund the further advancement of nanotechnology. Done and done. Do I have to think of everything?

Guess which one had a growth spurt this year....

12/25

So yesterday I seen some stuff on TV about the history of the Christmas Tree. They were talking about how it originated in Germany back in the day and they'd decorate with things like cow parts and dead birds or something. I dunno. Maybe I heard that part wrong. Back then the xmas trees were small. Like tabletop size. But it was the Americans who started dragging friggin full trees inside their house and making the big giant sized ones and stuff..

Here's the official white house christmas tree personally decorated by GWB.

12/23

This morning I found out a new tradition in New Zealand. College kids get dressed up as Santa and scare the hell out of people. They run around like a big Santa gang and mess stuff up. Knock over Christmas trees and yell and scream like jerks and steal stuff. Sounds like a ton of fun! For everyone... except everyone else!

Fraggle Stick Car...

12/22

So today news person told me that the government is gonna approve the sale of cloned meat and milk. To make things "safer", the food producers promise they will track where it is sold and what products end up with cloned meat or milk or whatever. In case there's an outbreak of mutant superpowers somewhere or whatever. I dunno if they food producers and FDA are so sure that cloned stuff is safe to eat-- I say they should test it on themselves and then release it to the public. Fill the FDA cafeteria with that crap and call us in a year. Why should we be the guinea pigs? Let them eat (the genetically altered) cake!

Wanna clone your pet?

And here's Mutant Turtles Lebowski...

12/21

Today some science nerd told me that modern day beetles have been around since the dinosaurs were wandering the planet. Survivors! Back in that day, if you had to bet on which would be around thousands of years later you probably would have bet on the giant thing with the giant teeth and stompy stomp power over the tiny bugs! But no! Beetles beatcha biatchs! And if you had to bet today which will be around thousands of years from now-- the humans with the giant teeth and the stompy stompy power... or them beetles... which would you bet on?

Here's how Creationists theorize the existence of dinosaurs on the CreationWiki!

12/20

So morning news dopes told me that Forbes has released the lists of the Best selling and Worst selling cars of 2007. Apparently Jaguar people completely forgot how to make cars that people actually want to buy and they have like 4 cars on the top ten list or something. Knowing how corporate crap works... watch the lead designer get promoted and a huge bonus...

Here's the Worst selling cars. Look how uberugly the Izuzu I-290 is.... Yuck!

12/19

Today local news dope told me that the Giuliani campaign is like dropping in the polls totally. I usually don't get all political here but that guy really gives me douche chills and I hope his campaign goes right in the turlet like a big swirly. Above everything else the fact that he hasn't backed the 9/11 first responders health issues in a stand-up guy top issue sort of way-- makes me say douche. And let him prance around in his goomar's dress on his own stupid time...

12/18

Yesterday some top official in Japan confirmed that there are definitely UFOs. He said he didn't have proof and the Japanese Air Force hasn't really bumped into one but he knows it for a fact somehow. I'm not sure I'd take this guy at his word. To be honest, I'm not even sure Japan has an Air Force. Let's google it...!!!!

Hmmm... seems like they got a ways to go...

12/17

Today I seen that the major popcorn makers have bravely decided to remove a chemical from their popcorn that's been like killing dudes at the popcorn factory. I hate it when corporations act like they're doing something good when the truth is it's just the numbers that have tilted due to the legal risk. Not any sort of real conscious or anything like that. Popcorn lung has been around for years. Only when it spilled over to a consumer lawsuit did they react. Orville Dickenbockers...

So why again are cigarettes legal?

12/16

TV told me that people are in a legal fight with pushy a-hole seals. The seals decided that they have the right to any beach they want. And there's this beach out in California called Children's Pool and they just lie all over it all day like it's their beach. A whole gang of them lie around totally naked (topless AND bottomless) and haven't applied for a permit to be there in the first place! Jerks! Who do they think they are?

Here's more about the battle of Children's Pool... 

12/15

Today they were talking all about Michael Vick and dog fighting and all that stuff again. (Has it been really slow in the news for like the last two months? That makes me nervous.) Anyway, I'm telling you right now that Michael Vick will never play in the NFL again. No team will ever pick him up. Because no team wants a quarterback that will get booed every time he steps on the field. And he can't demand respect from a crowd anymore. I love it when bad stories have a happy ending. Enjoy sitting in jail, stupid!

Here's some prison art.

12/14

Apologies for the slack dacquriri the last couple of days. I have smacked myself upside the head two times quick as punishment. But now I have a headache and need to lie on the couch... but watch tv! And go on a fact finding mission!

Good vibes to ya! And here's a link to a pretty kick-ass game if yer bored...

12/12

Today the news nerd told me about a meteor shower I won't see. It's supposedly pretty spectacular and it's extra coolio like tonight and tomorrow night. You can barely see stars in the city because there's too much light around-- so it sort of bugs me out a little when I go out to the country because the night sky looks so bright. Anyway, here's some info on the Geminid meteor shower (extra coolio for Gemini peeps) if you wanna stare up at the sky later like some sort of slack-jawed trogdolyte...

Click on here to read up.

Or you can just watch some meteor action on the youtube...

12/11

Last night I heard the Mars Rover (yes they're still driving around on mars... or so they'd like us to believe) found something significantly insignificant. Apparently they found something that might possibly prove that if a microbe wanted to live on Mars there's the possibility that it may have been able to do so if it decided to live on Mars which is questionable because there's nothing there other than two trucks driving around in circles.

It bothers me that if we never had war we'd totally have found aliens already. And then had much cooler wars.

You're telling me this kind of money can't buy us a USS Enterprise?

12/10

Tonight I watched a dopey show called Paranormal State. From what I could gather some college kids are running around playing ghost busters or something. Anyway, they went to this house somewhere because some spooky kid was saying spooky things. And a while ago some dude died near their house and they thought that dude was still hanging out etc. They set up some recording equipment and recorded 'something breathing'. I guess that would be scary-- but when you think about it... why would a ghost need to breathe?

I went ghost hunting on youtube for some proof. Here's what I found...

The pantry phenomenon!!!

12/9

Today the lady Lou Dobbs told me that even though our government seemed to be cracking down on toys with lead... they're sort of not. They're flagging a toy here and a toy there but there isn't any system to like test all the toys. And there isn't a system to recall stuff properly even if they find something out. Too bad people can't like sue the government for stuff like this because that would probably fix alot of stuff. If we could just release the hounds...

Here's a site where you can test your toys. Beware of Hannah "Pb" Montana

Don't buy

12/8

TV told me today that some teenager in Iceland called President Bush on his personal Batphone and the White House like freaked out. The teen called up and said, 'Bababooey bababooey!!" or something to Bush's secretary and by the time the phone was hung up some International Crazy Cops tracked him down and dragged him down to the police station and questioned him about where he got the number. And how he got through and all that. Kind of weird that we can smash down doors in other countries and drag people away there too...

Here's the story there...

12/7

Today I learned that Nintendo might start pulling ads for Nintendo Wii because demand is already too high going into the Christmas season. A spokesperson for Sony released this statement in response:

"Those motherf**kers!!! WTF!!! We got Playstations up the wazoo over here and those Mario dicktwiddlers are at a point where they're pulling advertisements!!! We got Madden! Doesn't anyone understand that we got Madden!? F**k this s**t!"

12/6

Last night while flipping through US Weekly and watching TV, (Britney is out of control!!)I found out today if a giant meteorite smashes into the planet it will obliterate whatever city it hits melting every cell of every person in the area. And if it's by the ocean it will cause tsunamis and earthquakes all over the world. And then it'll rain black ash putting the whole world into a nuclear winter which will destroy the food chain and eventually we'd all starve or freeze.

Check out this super big meteorite video! Awesomely terrible!

12/5

So I seen in Tokyo they've started renting dogs. There's new businesses popping up where you can stop in and take a dog out for a day. People are digging it because you can have the fun of 'owning' a dog but not have to really 'own' a dog. Seems ok I guess. But I think it would be more fun to watch if they did it with falcons...

Here's some dude who blogged bout it...

12/4

Last night newsdork told me that our shelves might be flooded with toys that have lead and sharp things and "choakies" and roofies and poisons and stuff. Which is the bad news. But the good news is instead of buying Junior Lead-Based Murderbot-X with Eye Rip Rip, Throat Glot, and Poison Spritzer... Parents are starting to retreat to simple wooden toys and basic stuff that doesn't go through the system. But around it...

Here are some coolio wooden toys. (although as a kid I'd totally be like... Hey! This got no eye rip rip or throat glot! What gives!? Where's the spritzer!?)

12/3

So the insanely dickish fight is continuing between sick/widowed families of 9/11 first responders and the State or insurance wangs or whatever. Basically first responder heroes who are now dying or dead after inhaling toxic fumes working on the 'pile' for weeks after 9/11 are not being named as victims of 9/11. Thus they don't get the same treatment as someone who died that day. Family of person on plane got tons of cash. Dude who dug through rubble for weeks afterwards? A thank you card with an autosignature or something. There's also a fight to have first responders on the Memorial (due to be finished in 2045)...

Here's a Ground Zero pit webcam...

12/2

Last night on 60 Minutes I saw some dude who is trying to get every kid on the planet a free laptop or whatever. At first I thought it was a dumb idea (like how bout food?) but then I realized it was a smart one. You can charge em up with hand cranks and spill all over them and smash them around and stuff and in between doing all that--  kids can learn things for the first time like ever. I guess it is a little strange that some kid sitting out in the middle of some village in the middle of the nowhere has a much cooler laptop than me-- but whatever! Good for them! And us! Log on to my website, Little umm... Whatever your name is... ! I'll send you a coffay mug and t-shirt! Even though shipping might be a tid pricey...

Here's more info on One Laptop...

12/1

So TV guy (who I think used to wear a toupee and now doesn't and his head is shaved all lex luthor style) told me that there are 'fake' Tickle Me Elmo dolls flooding the market. (Little late counterfeiter jerks! Don't you think?! 1998 called and it wants it's timely idea back...or whatever.) Anyway, I'd avoid them because they're filled with flammable lead based asbestos and if you tickle it too much it vomits rotting chicken parts or something.

I guess people like blowing Elmo up and stuff...

 

 

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