DECEMBER 2003 

12/31

Ain't no factoid today. Me heading out of town for New Years and TV is all cluttered with boring this morning. But good vibes to all tv fact checkers for a great 2004!

Here's some info about Auld Lang Syne which I was unable to read because it was all super blah blah blahish. But there tis. See ya next year!!

12/30

The tv told me tonite that five million years from now in the year 5,000,2003 that the mid-West is gonna get hit with this big ice age and it's gonna be like one big desert and there's gonna be no people there only like giant bats in the skies and armored rodents the size of big dogs roaming the land and birds will live underground in tunnels digging around with their wings that have devolved to diggers and stuff.

Here's what some of these animals of the future are gonna look like. You can vote on the weirdest. .

12/29

Today the tv showed me something called the Slightest Touch device. It's for chicks. Basically it's an electronic thing that was developed as a foot massager but women started reporting that it was doing more than massaging feet. It was also giving off the gazanng zzzuhzang impulse which causes the wubbada wubbada wuh-wowwows. So they repackaged it as a hoooya wahoo-azizer and are selling it that way now. Just hook it up to the ankles, wait a few minutes and koowow wuh-wow wahpow!.... apparently.

And bahbam. Info.

12/28

I seen on the tv something called 'Doggles'. They're goggles but um.. for dogs. Doggles not only offer important UV protection but you can strap them on your dog's head when they stick their head out the window to prevent bugs from flying into their eyes. Finally! Something to solve both of those problems that they just made up to sell goggles for dogs! 

Here go da Doggles. I don't think we'll be seeing Catggles anytime soon...

12/27

I seen Stephen Hawkings on tv and he was talking about a flaw in the theory of time travel. Here's an analogy I thought up, it's like, lets say you go back in time and steal a steamroller and smush your great great grandfather. With great great granddad all smushed, technically you won't ever be born. And if you never existed how did you go back and get the steamroller to mush great great grandpa in the first place? And on and on...See the problem??...

Wait a sec!! There were no steamrollers back when great great grandfather was around! So ummm... hmmm.. ok!... Go back in time in this daily fact and instead of steamrollering great great grandpa.. umm...  just smash him over the head with bucket of rocks!! There! Problem solved! This physics stuff is easy...

Look! I'll even show my work!

12/26

Tonite I was watching the hunting show on channel 122 and they told me why deer stomp their feet when they stomp their feet. They stomp their feet when they sense there might be danger around and want to alert other deer. Usually they might be better off to friggin run like hell at danger instead of standing there feet stomping- but deer wernt never known for their supersmarts. Only for being considerate to their fellow deer I guess... 

They also snort-communicate. If there's immediate danger they'll make a noise kinda like this. If it they're just nervous or suspicious it's more like this.

12/25

I grabbed a quick fact before I went sleepyland last night so nothing overwhelmingly exciting or funny today. I flipped by the local public access channel and found out that Mary Hardison won the 'How Sweet It Is' Sweet Potato Pie contest here in Brooklyn. It was a local contest for who makes the best sweet potato pie. And Mary Hardison won! Congrats to Mary! 

Mary may be the Sweet Potato Queen but this dude is the Sweet Potato King!... with a giant gross looking sweet potato.

12/24

So I was watching the tv tonite and it told me about the origin of the frisbee. Back in the day, dorks at Yale would play catch with pie tins they take from the Frisbie Baking Company. They'd throw em around and yell 'Frisbie!' when it was flying atcha. Some dude at Whamo! thought it was a good idea and manufactured plastic pie tins named the 'Pluto Platter'... which was renamed soon after to 'Frisbee' once they realized that 'Pluto Platter' was a sucky name.

Ultimate Frisbee of Miskloc!!

12/23

Tonite I learnt some stuff about the history of the Erector set. The first Erector set started off small with just a bunch of girders and stuff. The original slogan was, "Hello boys! Make lots of toys!" And as it became more and more popular the sets became bigger and bigger until in 1931 they came out with this giant Erector set called "The Climax of Erector Glory!" uh huh huh... "erector"...

Here it goes

12/22

Today I learnt about this dude named Mainoumi who is like the Rudy/Spud Webb of sumo wrestling. Mainoumi wanted to be a sumo really bad but he was just a little guy (by sumo standards) and he didn't even meet the height requirement. So he went and got a friggin silicone implant on top of his head to be 4 cm taller then went on to become a top ranking sumo because them big giant guys couldn't deal with his speedy speed surprisey surprise movey moves.

Here's a listing of sumo moves. Mainoumi used the shitatenage the alot..

12/21

Tonite I found out about something called 'terminator seeds'. Basically they're seeds that are genetically altered to produce for only one crop cycle then they sterlize themselves. So if a farmer wants more seeds they gotta pay up year after year. Sort of like leasing seeds or whatever. Of course the idea of this made alot of people supermental for alot of reasons so the company that owns the patent on 'terminator seeds' (Monsanto Corp.) announced they were terminating research on terminator seeds.

Good Monsanto?   Bad Monsanto?

12/20

Sorry no factoid. Me in the throws of a LOTR dvd weekend...

Not sure why they're going through all this trouble with the rings when they can just do this. Why all the schlepping and chasing?

12/19

The tv told me some stuff about the Donner Party today. They were these unlucky early pioneers that headed West and got trapped in the mountains and had to eat the non-survivors to survive. The main reason they got all stuck in the snow was they decided take a shortcut to get to Caly. I wonder when they were all sitting around in 10 feet of snow and snacking on 10 feet or whatever if conversation was like, 'Hey Bill...What do you think? Bad call on the short cut? Just a hunch but I'm thinking maybe...umm...  bad call. No?'

Here's some of the worst calls in history.

12/18

Tonite the TV showed me a new way to sneak booze into sporting events- which was cool because last time I went to a Jets game I was shocked to see that they stopped selling beer after friggin halftime. WTF? So this chick invented this thing is called the 'boobieflask'. It's like a bra with a bladder in it for sneaking booze and the straws go up the straps. So next time I go to a Jets game I can wear the boobieflask and solve the no-booze after halftime problem... of course while bringing on a whole new set of problems by wearing a big jiggily bra to a Jets game. 

Here's the patent which takes all the fun out of it.

12/17

Today I found out that in some small village in Peru people wash their hair with pee pee. A family will all pee into one bucket or whatever and when hair washing day comes along they use the pee pee as shampoo. Apparently it's sterile and "adds bounce." 

I googled 'human urine' and this is what came up. Not sure what the dillyo with it. I guess back in the early 80's there was pee pee all over the workplace or something.  

12/16

Today the tv showed me something like a fish car wash. I was watching a show about tropical reefs and found out that some fish like commute back and forth every day across the reef -and sometimes they stop off at a 'cleaning station'.. It's a place where they basically pull over and tiny fish crawl all over them eating bacteria and cleaning their gills or whatever. Fish wait in line till it's their turn. When they're clean, the fish will continue with their commute. It was gross and creepy and way cool all at the same time.

Here be some fish getting the once over.

12/15

Ok I just watched tv extra hard to try and find a fact that will be twice as good as usual but tv wasn't easy today and I got a fact only 1x as good as usual. 

I found out something creepy. Back in the day in England they had a shortage of coffins so they'd dig em up and reuse them. But they were finding out that sometimes the coffins had scratch marks on the inside cause people were being buried alive sometimes because doctors were dumb. So they started tying bells to the people in coffins and dudes would listen at night during the 'graveyard shift' for ringing bells. Creepy job.

Then of course as things became more modern there were improvements.

12/14

Totally sorry for no fact yesterday. It was a big space out day and before I knew it I was writing what I am now about the no fact situation. I'll find me an most excellent factoid today that will be twice as good as usual and that will make up for it. Just like that.

Here's a makeup guy.

12/13

I found out today that the free willy whale died. It was sad to hear that the free willy whale died. Now they're debating whether to bury the free willy whale at sea or bury the free willy whale on land. I vote for burying free willy at sea because if you bury free willy whale on land there's statistically a better chance that the free willy whale could become a scary free willy whale ghoul or something and nobody wants some free willy ghoul haunting them all yelling around horrible whale calls out in the yard or whatever.

Here's a big flashy flash noisy killer whale site which probably would sound like what your house would sound like if it was haunted by the free willy ghoul 

12/12

Hey! Tonite I found out bout this chick bathroom in Chicago at a restaurant called Pasha. It's got plush comfortable couches and chairs just like all women's bathrooms do -but this one also has a bar that serves champagne and the bartender sings songs. So when your date heads off to the bathroom there's like a whole scene going on with chicks hanging making fun of their dates all sipping champagne and peeing and whatever. 

Not even sure what to make of this... 

12/11

I found out tonite that the First Lady chooses a theme for the white house christmas tree every year. Jackie O picked the Nutcracker as a theme. Nancy Reagan picked Mother Goose. Laura Bush picked 'literacy' (fun fun). Years ago Betty Ford picked a theme of 'thrift and recycling'. Another fun one. 

Look at this tree... and what's in front of it.

12/10

Tonite I learnt on the news about a new trend with teens. Jelly bracelets are apparently back! These like colorful rubbery bracelets. I'm not sure when they were 'in' before but whatever. But now they're called 'Sex Bracelets'! And it's like a color coded game. Each color stands for a particular sex act. Orange=Kiss. Blue=Oral sex. Black=Full out changity chang chang. If a boy breaks off a bracelet of whatever color- he gets a 'coupon' for that sex act. Get it? (so to speak..)

Teen dudes got it sort easy these days. Here's more info...

12/9

Today the tv showed me how cuttlefish 'do it'. First the guy cuttlefish fight it out over who gets the chick cuttlefish. The loser cuttlefish usually spits out ink when he says 'Uncle'. Then the macho cuttlefish gets all wiggily and that makes the chick cuttlefish blush reddish. Then he 'deposits a sealed packed of sperm' into the chick cuttlefish. Sometimes the sore losers come back and try to get the packet out of the chick. So the macho cuttlefish stands guard until the chick lays the eggs. Then they both ditch the eggs. Good luck!

Alot of people think cuttlefish can only go up to four tastes. Ha! Only four? They're so friggin wrong! Wrong I tell you!

12/8

On Mail Call on the History Channel I learned a theory bout the origin of flipping the bird or giving the finger or whatever. Way back in the day the British and the French were fighting about something or other- and the French would cut off the middle finger of captured crossbow archers so they couldn't fire the bow anymore. They thought it would intimidate the Brits but instead the Brits just started to give the finger to the Frenchies to say F U ... then would shoot more arrows at them.

Here's some finger plays for ya (the church/steeple one always creeped me out somehow. something bout the wiggily people...)

**Fingerinfofact update via email...

12/7

Today the told me about the 'strangest couple' around. Enigma and Katzen. Both are tattooed from head to toe. Not sure what Enigma is going for but he's turning blue piece by piece. His wife Katzen wants to be a cat with whiskers and all. Other than their tattoos and accessories they didn't strike me as so strange. Just people who want to look friggin way different so people look at them and go 'Whoa..' 

k... Whoa..

12/6

I found out tonite that back in WWI the Americans used a crappy French machine gun called a Chauchat. It jammed. It misfired. It broke easy. It sucked something fierce. It tripley sucked because the US had a better weapon called a Browning machine gun -which rocked. But it was so good that the US was scared it would fall into enemy hands so they didn't allow it in battle.  Soldiers then were totally wtf?!

Here goes the supersucky french merde-y gun from back in the day.

12/5

Sorry no daily fact yesterday I couldn't pull one together with all the snow and all. Not sure what the snow has to do with tv but it threw me off or something. I did see a show about platypuses and they're weirdos. Other than that...

Luckily I got this email: 

From: Kathy <@comcast.net>
To: <[email protected]>
Subject: fact of the day
Date: Sat, 06 Dec 2003 03:35:46 -0500

>Hey Todd,

>Check out Ieper (Ypres), Belgium's Cat Parade for a fact of the day if
you're stumped for something to share...

>http://www.garfield.com/news/international.html

>Enjoy!

>Kathy.

SO there ya go.

12/4

Tonite the tv showed me the sickest motorcycle. Daimler Chrysler took a Viper engine and jammed it into this motorcycle called the Tomahawk. This thing will go 0-60 in friggin 2.5 seconds and it tops out "theoretically" at 300MPH. They basically made one prototype to showoff to other companies but silly rich motorcycle nuts started clamoring for Tomahawks. So Chrysler made 10 more. If you order one up it'll be delivered to you undriveable because they know you'll friggin kill yourself on this thing. 

But if you really want one you can pick one up at Neiman's for 550 or call 877-GRAB-LIFE (I assume they're referring to the 'after' life.)

12/3

The tv told me that 100 years from now the moon is going to be all colonized and built up for tourism like Las Vegas. Casinos galore, new weightless sporting events, sightseeing stuff, weird swimming pools etc.  The neo-maxi-zoom-dweebies on tv who were talking about colonizing the moon went on and on about solarpowered this and hydroponic plant life that-- but their real motivation for driving the technology was obviously the potential for floaty float romper room woohoo woohoo space sex.

6% of americans think the original moon landing never happened. This dude be adamant about it.

12/2

Today I found out the origin of the word 'Berserk'. There were these warrior vikings way back in the day that known to be friggin super crazy. When they'd fight they'd be in such a killy frenzy that they'd kill their enemies AND dudes on their own side all out of control. They also used to like to fight while totally naked or while wearing just a bear skin shirt or 'bear sark' thus ber-serk. So why were the berserkers so friggin berserk? Some say they were tripping hard on mushrooms the whole time...

Them berserkers who went so crazy then would probably go berserk today if they saw what's considered berserker now... beep beep! comin thru!

(yes, i know... my love for you is like a truck...)

12/1

I watched a show about phobias and learnt the name for a wacky one. Coulrophobia. Fear of clowns. It's like every clown you see becomes Pennywise and when they giggle and say, 'Hey! Who wants a balloon animal?' You hear in a deep voice, 'They all float.' And when they smile a friendly smile... you see giant crooked fangs with like gross slimy mucous coating them. And when they make eye contact with you, you feel like they can read your thoughts, steal your thoughts and replace your thoughts with twisted balloon clowny clown thoughts... and that'll makes ya wig out a bit.

Can a job that has a prayer like this really be all about evilness?

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