February 2004


TV told me today about the Hedwig Plastic Company in Maryland. Apparently it was gonna be sold and the jobs were gonna go overseas. So the employees stepped in and bought the company and it's staying here in the US. They got the money through a government program called ESOP. So if yer working for a company that's in danger of going overseas. Check into ESOP and buy it up. And if your company buys plastics... buy em from Hedwig.

Here's an old school tv commercial for Super Elastic Bubble Plastic. (mpeg. sorry mac peeps.)


Tonite I found out AT&T are dicks. They were sneaky and sent out bills to lots of non-AT&T customers for $4.53. It's a bogus bill. Some people paid it and AT&T took the money. When people who didn't pay called up to ask why they were being billed they were hit with a friggin sales pitch for AT&T services! These big corporations still aren't above petty scams. Surprise surprise. MCI dicks. AT&T dicks. Sprint? I can only assume.

Here's an anti-AT&T site.


Tonite on Super Millionaire Regis told me about urushiol. He told me that urushiol is the stuff in poison ivy that causes people to get rashes. It reminded me of my history with poison ivy. True story. When I was a little kid I got it in my head that it was impossible for me to get poison ivy. Not sure why or where I got that idea but I've always been convinced of it. Anyway I remember back in 6th grade I wanted to impress a 'cool' girl so I picked poison ivy and rubbed it on my arm. She laughed at my nerdnicity and walked away. I felt shame. But... I never got poison ivy. Still haven't till this day. How bout them apples?

Maybe I should hook up with poison ivy and do some environmental anticrime crimespreeing?


Today tonite's local news told me how to pronounce certain things around NYC so I figure I'd share. The department store Henri Bendel is pronounced. Henry Bendel not Onri Bendail or something. Hermès is pronounced. Err-mais. And Zagat's is pronounced Zah-gahts. The first two I guess I can remember if they ever come up which they won't- but Zagat's will always be Zag-ats to me. Whenever I say Zah-gots I feel like a tool.

Here's the 100 most mispronounced words for ya...


I was watching some nerdy show and they mentioned a bunch of bad inventions. They mentioned one called 'Gerbil Shirt'. It's like a shirt with habitrails all over it so you can walk around with yer gerbils running around all over you. (insert gerbil joke here). Anyway, they directed me to this site to check it out. So I did. And the thing looked so stupid I decided to research the "patent" and found absolutely NO proof that there is an actual patent on the gerbil shirt! The gerbil shirt patent is a fraud! And I exposed it here first! Scoop! Search for yourself!

Something seems wrong about this site. Even though it's probably fine... I think...


The tv told me about raisins today and where raisins come from. Most people believe they make raisins by taking some grapes and drying them in the sun. But it's not so simple. There's alot more to making raisins that most people don't know about. First they pick the grapes. Then they dump all the grapes in this vat which has a combination of sugar, water, and horse and/or cow urine (to purify). After they've soaked for 8-10 months in this concoction, they're drained and strained and fed to 'Raiso the Giant Hawk' who flies off full stomached to the Sun Maid factory. The Sun Maid then greets Raiso and opens her apron to honor Raiso. Raiso then regurgitates 'raisins' into the apron. Then flies off to get more. Then the Sun Maid dunks the raisins in horse and/or cow urine again (to add glisten) then they're boxed and shipped off to the store... or something like that.

Look the official Sun Maid website inconspicuously mentions nothing about it!


Tonite I learnt a couple things about parachuting. The idea of parachuting was maybe invented by Leonardo Da Vinci who apparently doodled the concept in the margins of a notebook while on the phone in his head chatting with god or whatever. Who knows what was going on there. Anyway, I also found out that the first person to do freefall out of a plane was back in 1914 by this chick named Tiny Broderick. Either she was real brave or not aware of the 'Not it!' game when dudes were sitting around and decided someone had to try it.

That Leonardo was nutty. He even wrote nutty. Check it.


Sorry no fact today. TV was smelly today. Stinky. So I aired it out by keeping it off for a few hours. It should be cleared up by tomorrow. Here's a home remedy story for stinky feet to tide ya over. Factoids continue tomorrow.


The TV told me tonite something bout rights in Saudi Arabia (our friends). Women ain't allowed to run for office. Actually no one is. There are no elections there. It's a dictatorship totally. Other stuff like, if women get divorced the kids automatically get awarded to the husband regardless of whatever. Plus chicks ain't allowed to drive. Oh and if you peacefully protest against this the government- you're breaking the law and you go to jail and get tortured alot and maybe they'll chop your friggin head off. Nice place. Glad we're all chummy with their government. I wonder why...

I guess the dicks who run that place will officially block my site.


Hey! Tonite on the Apprentice show they fixed up apartments or whatever and they were in my neighborhood! Totally! Brooklyn! Like one apartment was over this diner called the Hill Diner which is like right nearby! I've eaten there! An omelet! Swear! I remember months ago people were filming with a small crew and I was like... hmm wonder what that's for.. or whatever... then boom! Apprentice show! I seen the street that I walk on- on the tv! I ate an omelet in the... ok... no one cares... I'll shut up now...

...and go play the dumb dumb awful tres stupido Apprentice game.


Tonite I learnt about a new type of puzzle called a shmuzzle. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with like pieces that fit together like no matter what or something. I didn't really understand really what the dilly or why it seemed fun. It's all mathematically 'cool' or something. The guy on tv said teachers are using it now to help kids with geometry. I guess maybe I could have used it back in the day when I pulled a friggin 38% on NY State Regents geometry test. The only formula I learnt that year was 
(Me + 38 + F = Summer school).

Anyway here's the shmuzzle thang. Took me a while to understand it then I got stumped after that.


Today I found out that this bar in Manhattan called McSorley's Old Ale House is officially 150 years old. Also I found out women weren't allowed in there until 1970. Back in the day I used to go to McSorley's and drink. They serve only beer. Good and cheap. I always kind of liked it because they'd throw people out if they got loud or whatever. You sit there and drink your beer and don't act like a stupid jerk. "Be good or be gone."

Oh also pee in the urinal. Not on the floor or in your pants or on others or whatever. 


Tonite on some nerdy show, I found out on that bees can tell time. Like if you put out some nectar or whatever every day at 3:30. Bees will show up everyday at 3:30. In fact eventually they'll show up at like 3:20, even before the nectar is put out, just to get there a little early to make sure they get a good seat. How do they do it? How do they know the exact time? I dunno really. I got bored while watching the show and the guy started going on and on and wouldn't get to the point. Once he said "suprachiasmatic nucleus" it was all over for me.

Here's a human clock which is kinda cool for like a minute... or two...or three....


Ok I know I said that today's fact would be the best fact in the history of all facts but I think I might have been a bit over umm. over...over something I can't think of the word. Not anxious or zealous but it's like over-something... in that ballpark. Anyway, I didn't manage to find the best fact in the history. In fact it's not even close. It's about golf no less. 

Some golfers have a problem called 'Yips'. Basically they get all jumpy while putting and it messes up their game bad. It's like a neurological weirdness. I had yips when I played golf. Except it wasn't just on my putting. It also seemed to affect my driving and chipping and also maybe my golfcart driving ability.

If it wasn't so common I'd swear it was a thing made up by the medical community so they can write off playing golf as 'research'...


Sorry no good fact today. TV kinda sucked all day. But tonite on SNL Jimmy Fallon told me that some woman invented a mathematical formula to see how any marriage will turn out or whatever. Then he went out on the edge and made a Jennifer Lopez joke about it. Anyway I just jumped on the net to try and find the formula. Couldn't find the actual math but here's an article bout it. 

Better fact tomorrow. In fact tomorrows fact will be the best fact ever in the history of all facts. Not just TV facts. ALL facts.


I found out some stuff about Japan today. It's kinda common for married Japanese dudes to do some 'compensated dating'. Basically they have like a call girl type situation and pay for sex. For some Japanese dudes sex outside of marriage is ok as long as it's paid for in cash. If you cheat based on love or feelings or whatever you're totally cheating. But if you shell out the bucks- you're in the clear. Or so the tv said.

The sex scene is all about 'Love Hotels' over there. They're like theme related places to do it. They even have one with a Cowntry & Westarn theme!


TV done showed me some horse breeding action tonite. I didn't see horses 'do it' but I seen how professional breeders collect horse semen. See they bring a stallion into this room and they have a mare in heat there too but they keep them separated. After the stallion sees the mare and he eventually pops a boner (although the tv show pixelated out the boner which was a weird thing to do in a way) then they put this 'boot' over the boner and let the horse go at it till he's done. And that's that. Then they go sell it or whatever..

When I searched eBay for some 'horse semen' this is the only thing that came up...  (note the monkey pic)


Tonite tv told me stuff about mooses. Moose can be 7 feet tall.  They are the largest members of the deer family. Moose like to eat leaves and stuff but they can kill you if they really wanted to no problemo. I learned these facts from the Moose Calling Champion of the World, Ken Capling. He knows how to talk to moose and turn them on or whatever and stuff.

Old MacDonald had a farm. Ee-I-Ee-I-O. And on this farm he had a moose Ee-I-Ei-I-O. With a (play 2x) here. And a (play 2x) there. Here a (play 1x). There a (play 1x). Everywhere a (play 2x.) Old MacDonald had a farm. Ee-I-Ee-I-O.


The TV showed me how I can survive an attack by an anaconda if it happens to come up. Basically it's like this- let's say you're walking along through the 7-11 or whatever and a giant anaconda jumps out at you from the potato chip display- and wraps itself around you and tightens up. What you do is- whatever part of the snake is by your mouth just bite the f**k out of it. If it doesn't let go... bite the f**k out of it on another spot. Repeat. Eventually the snake will let go. Or not. In which case you'll know... because you'll be inside of the snake.

I'd say take my advice over this.


Tonite I saw a commercial for a Broadway show called The Boy From Oz. The critic quotes talked about how great Hugh Jackman is in it and how he's like a miracle to theater or something. They said it was the musical of a lifetime. Then they showed Hugh belting out some broadway hold a long note for a while singing thing. He seemed good at it. But X-Men fans might not want to see Wolverine this way

Here's smore Wolverine links. Here, here, here, and here.


I found out tonite that Bloomingdales and other department store changing rooms really aren't all that private. If you take a look at the doors the slats of the door face upwards. Basically if you look downward through the doors you can see the people inside. At Bloomingdales there were employee dudes wandering around in the women's fitting area looking thru the slats at chicks and stuff. So if the slats in the changing room face up look up for faces thru the slats. You might be giving someone an eyeful.

Here's some common shoplifting techniques for ya.


Today I watched something bout a worm farm. I found out that some worm farms don't raise worms for the worms, they raise the worms for the worm poop. At this farm they got deliveries of animal poop from the local zoo and they fed it to the worms along with some shredded paper from some office. After the worms eat and poop, there is this system for collecting all the worm poop. Then that worm poop gets packaged as fertilizer for gardens. Although it sounds sorta gross it seemed like a nice clean way to make a living.

Here's some info if you think worm farmin sounds good.


Tonite I found out that Eminem (Marshall Mathers) travels all the time with a body double named 'Partial Mathers'. So when you're waiting outside Eminem's hotel screaming 'Eminem!' in your Eminem shirt wearing your hat backwards, waving a sharpie and an Eminem album on vinyl- do a double take when he rushes by ignoring you- because your moment of snub glory might not even be real. Here be Partial...

And here's some Eminem/Biggie freestylee for y'all. (its got bad language). 


The tv done told me about the Shanghai Tunnels in Oregon. Basically way back when things were crazy and lawlessless, dudes in Oregon would kidnap other dudes and force them to work on ships. They'd kidnap em thru trapdoors in bars. Unsuspecting dudes would belly up to the bar then the floor would open up and they'd be in the Shanghai Tunnels where they'd be locked up and eventually sold to the ship guys. Totally sucked. One day you're happily hoisting a beer, the next you're hanging by a rope off the side of some rickety ship in a hailstorm scraping barnacles off the hull with a broken piece of wood and being yelled at to scrape faster by some shirtless jerk.

Not only did it suck to be kidnapped in the Shanghai tunnels.. but on top of it you gotta deal with all the friggin orbs!


Today I found out about the history of the microwave. It was invented sorta by accident by  this dude Percy Spencer. He was messing around with some crazy glazmazmazmatrons or something and a chocolate bar in his pocket melted. That led to the first commercial microwave oven called the 'Radarange'. I think they actually still used the Radarange back in the cafeteria at my college cause once I remembered I was heating something up in this ancient microwave and I popped open the door and it didn't shut off. I remember standing infront of it not understanding going, 'Hmm. That's weird. When this microwave door is open the light stays on and the noise stays on. Weird. Then it hit me...  THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S STILL ON!' I slammed the door and worried about my nuts for weeks.

Here's the Tahlequah High School Science Club coolio flashy flash website.


Tonite the tv told me how the universe might end. As I type this the universe is expanding. It will continue expanding for a while. Certainly much longer than while I'm typing this. But in the end the universe might sort of run out of room and then shrink back like a rubberband gaining speed as it shrinks until eventually it'll all end in a big crunch. This will be called 'The Big Crunch'. At this time it will be recommended that people wear helmets and goggles and stay away from the windows. 

The french call it the Le Big Crunch. Isn't french just english with 'le' or 'la' in front of it.. for the most part?


Struck out with TV tonite. Just did a two hour stint and walked away empty handed. Well not empty handed really... more like empty headed. I found out that Carmen thinks Dave is totally great and Dave thinks Carmen is totally sexy. Ew and yawn. Then I stumbled over Dennis Miller on CNBC. Apparently he decided to trade in funny and smart for wacked and paranoid. F. Not sure what happened there. Then when I saw myself spacing out on Leno I decided to bag it and try to make some progress on getting closer to the Dark Tower. 

I gotta read it. Friggin books on tape with this series just ain't happening. Imagine 500 hours listening to this...


Super Bowl! Super blown! Super boot! Super boob! Super stupid network execs! Super-sucky commercials! Super bad D! Super sad Panthers! Super happy kicker! Super relief! Super boobie! Super breast! Super surprise! Super cheerleader kicks! Super underwear! Super streaker! Super second pepsi! Super second place forever! Super boobie! Super "wardrobe malfunction"! Super bad lie! Super shoulda shutup stupid! Super planned! Super obvious! Super bad spin! Super bad lipsync too! But super boob! Super something to talk about! Super tired now.... super... sleepy... super bed calling...  must find super link... before getting in super bed...

Super... pooch? super good enough? super not... super know...

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