FEBRUARY 2005
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2/28
Tonite TV told me all about these things called "Life Coaches". (I never heard of em before but apparently they're popular) People are hiring people to coach them through whatever they want to better. Like how to be better at this that or the other thing or whatever. Exercise, career, relationships whatever. Why do I get the feeling if I hired someone to be my coach... after a couple days they'd make me ride the pine.
Here go a brit coach site for your permusement.
2/27
So last night I watched the Oscars but I friggin passed out cold at like 11:15. It was so snoozy. I watched highlights this morning on Good Morning America and I heard Joel Siegel refer to Vanity Fair as "Vanity Fart" by freudian slippage. That was funny. I learned three things from the Oscars though. 1. I want Joan Rivers back on the red carpet. 2. If I never hear Jamie Fox pretend he's Ray Charles again I'm gonna be just fine forever. 3. I don't know why I get so excited for the Oscars every year just get annoyed, disgusted and worn out by them. When will I learn? When will I get it?
Here's the history of the Academy Awards if you can't get enough of this sheet.
2/26
Tonite I found out when the first leap year adjustment came about. Back in something-something BC Julius Caesar decided that he needed to get the calendar in sync so at the end of February he announced that 90 days were going to be added on to the calendar to get it in sync with the seasons or something. And somehow that was the beginning of screwing with the calendar. Sounds like Julius with either really smart at the time or just running some sort of superhigh level tax scam.
Here's some info on the first leap year along with maggots and the Canadian $2 bill.
2/25
Today I slept alot recovering from the nephews activity and I woke up and watched some rodeo on ESPN2. It was PRCA Xtreme Bulls where I found out that this rodeo dude was riding again after being two rounds of cancer and chemo and all that stuff and he's grabbing the bull by the horns again and doing it up. So just wanted to give it up for Shane Drury who kicked Ewing's Sarcoma 2x and got back up and running rodeo style!
Here goes a traditional rodeo thingee out in Villa Morelos. Also coincidentally (if you believe in coincidences) the Daily Fun Link today is rodeo style!
2/24
Sorry no daily fact yesterday. The nephews were here Wed-Thursday (slept over and everything) and I watched alot of Ed, Eddy, and Eddie and Teen Titans and some Spongebob and stuff like that. Ran around all day. (what's happening update later) Was totally exhausted and passed out after they left. I don't know how you parents do it. It's friggin non-friggin-stop! Gonna go sit on couch and watch TV now and vege (vedge? veg? how do you spell vege like vedge out?) Anyway, that's what i'm doing...
Yikes... I googled 'vedge' and found this here... Gotta love the internet.
2/23
Tonite the TV told me that its illegal in Alabama to go around selling vibrators to women if the intention is for women to use em on their woowoos. If they're for 'shoulders' or whatever that's fine but if the intent of the device is to woo the woowoo then that's considered illegal and then the sirens go wooo woooo! and you and your woowoo go to the clink.
Here's the history of the vibrator (for mature (or immature) adults only)
2/22
TV told me today that some people are starting to play big brother on their elderly parents by wiring up their houses. They're hooking up sensors and logging times when their parents do stuff. They'll log on the net and check in and see stuff like: 10:00AM bedroom door opened. 10:02 bathroom door opened. 10:10 turned on shower. 10:40 fridge opened. blah blah. Seems creepy. If I was one of those people who's kids wired up my house I'd mess with them all day like, 10:10 opened garage door. 10:11 closed garage door. 10:12 opened garage door. 10:13 closed garage door. 10:14 opened garage door.... and just keep doing that till they came over and yanked all the wires out my house.
Here's some bar in Denver and you can watch people drink beer! Lots of webcams here.
2/21
Today I found out that mentals are running around getting plastic surgery for their pets. Like if your dog has a droopy mouth or whatever you get like a face lift and stuff. They've started doing lipo, breast reduction, botox and eye jobs for pets. FOR PETS! I just want to say that one more time.... for PETS! Wait again... for p..e..t...s! OK now I'm done. Then again if you're looking at your dog and it's only 7 and it's looking 11 maybe just maybe... but more hopefully likely.... maybe not.
Anyway while searching for a pet plastic surgeon I stumbled on musical condoms. Serious. I guess they both came out of the same idea factory or something. Want one?
2/20
Today the tv showed me a whole new kind of fishing boat called the Atlanticat. Instead of the big ol mothers that lumber around in the water and stuff, there's a new fancy schmancy one that can zoom around at like 20 knots and is all like a catamaran speedy and stuff. It's sort of coolio but I think when you pull the 'Atlanticat' into port some old school fisherdudes are gonna call you fancy pants and play that trick where they'll snag you up upsidedown in a fishing net and do like dock pinata on you with fishing rods or whatever...
Hey! While looking around for a link to the boat I looked out the window and see it's snowing out! Lookat!
I couldn't find a link to the boat tho. The fishing boat the 'Atlanticat'. Not the ferry. If someone finds it pls send it in. [email protected] and I'll give you a shoutout declaring you to be the coolest.
*bunch of people have sent in this. tis not the boat i saw on tv. the fishing boat was grey and had teeth on the front. a fishing boat.
**WE HAVE A WINNER! Glenn F. from San Diego is the coolest! Scroll down to see a video here!
2/19
Yeah there was no daily fact yesterday! I rented Ray and got halfway through and the disc kept skipping and when I looked at it the thing had like a total crack in it! It was weird that it played at all. I was sorta mad but not totally mad because I felt like I got the gist of the movie at the half-way point. Anyway, that's what happened with tv yesterday.
Here's some torrents...
2/18
Today I watched a tv show all about the spider crab which is also known as the camouflage crab. Basically this crab is regular except its smart enough to snip off pieces of plant and stick them all over its body. Like it dresses itself as a plant. (Sorta like soldiers do with plants in their helmets when they're in the jungle). And then the crabs go around like a plant or whatever. I don't mind when creatures evolve to do stuff... but I don't like it when they make conscious decisions to be creepy and/or sneaky. They shouldn't know how to do tricky things.
Here's a bunch of weirdo creatures introducing themselves.
2/17
Tonite I found out that Canada is loaded up with oil. It's like a whole Saudi situation up there they got so much oil under them. Problem is it's all mixed up with sand so it's been a major pain in the ass to get the oil out of the ground or something. But technology is getting good at it which means nicey nice Canada might eventually become the The Glorious Canadian Great Kingdom and everyone up there will be driving around in gold plated Rolls Royce's that run on maple syrup or something... (i'm not sure what maple syrup has to do with anything either.)
Here's some Forbesy blah blah yadda yammering about the Canadian oil.
2/16
Today I watched the Martha Stewart show (I assume a rerun) and I learnt some stuff about bedding. First off down feathers come from the chest of the bird while other feathers come from other parts. Down is softer because there are no quills. Also I learnt a good way to change a duvet cover. Basically you start off with it inside out and grab the far corners then like put it right side out while spreading it out over it. Not sure if that makes sense. Also I learnt how to deal with sheets I don't have. Top sheet right side down bottom sheet right side up. Doesn't really appy to me tho.
Here's my favorite pillowcase and my top sheet straight out of the 1985 baby! And bonus! Here's a story involving Mr. Fluffy Puffy!
2/15
Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I was gonna go put one up but decided to ask Yoda if I should first and he said this. So obviously I couldn't. But no worries because when I asked him if I should put one up today he said this! So we're all set. Will it be about animals? Army stuff? Science? Celebrities? Not sure...
Dagobah sung to Dragula.
2/14
Tonite I learnt some stuff about the chinese zodiac like the year of the rat, year of the pig, etc. Basically the story goes that way back in the day Buddha invited a whole bunch of animals over to his crib for a dinner party. But most animals didn't show up and snubbed the Buddha. So he gave a 'year' to each of the animals that showed up. You know the giraffe wife slapped the giraffe husband on the back of the head after finding that out being all like, 'I told your lazy ass we should have gone to that Buddha party! Everyone who went ended up with a friggin year, you dunce!' And the giraffe husband going, 'Year schmear...go fetch me a beer!'
I'm a Rooster kind of guy! Check out what you are and what that done means here.
2/13
Last night I watched the Grammy's which were boring. The best part was early on E! red carpet stuff where some gork introduced "The Chemical Brothers... The Legendary Chemical Brothers" and the two dudes corrected him by saying 'We're Crystal Method... not the Chemical Brothers.' So he was all embarrassed or whatever. Then like a full minute later during the interview a tv graphic appeared underneath Crystal Method said "Chemical Brothers". Dopes. That was fun.
Anyway, while flipping around I learned how to perform CPR on a dog. Here's how you do that.
2/12
Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I spent yesterday in the park walking around looking at The Gates. Then I got overly excited and tore one down and tied the curtain around my neck like a Superman cape and pretended to fly around bumping into people and stuff then I fell over a rock and landed in the lake and got tangled up in my curtain and started flailing around and the ducks looked at me and people took pictures of me then the cops put me somewhere.
Here's The Gates website... and the other Gates website.
2/11
TV told me today that out in Ghana they're into burying peeps in like wacky coffins. Alot of em get buried in coffins that reflect their job and stuff. Like if some dude is a fisherman he gets buried in a boat coffin. Or some people are into getting buried in animal shaped coffins or just weird wacky stuff. Sounds kind of cool and fun actually. They make coffins round this country look so drab and morbid and stuff..
Here's a bunch of them 'fantasy' coffins from Ghana.
2/10
Tonite on Kimmel I learnt that Kim Jong Il (ruler of North Korea) has the world's largest collection of Daffy Duck cartoons. I also learnt that he has nukes. It's a bad combo I think. Daffy and nukes. Maybe this was well known about the Daffy collection but it's the first I heard about it and I was disturbed to hear about it-- so I figure I'd share the disturbance in the Force.
Maybe it's not an A-Bomb that's coming for us.... Maybe it's a Gay Bomb!
2/9
Today I learnt how it works in laughing hyenaland. Basically the way hyena packs work is the chick hyenas rule everything. Guys are 2nd tier hyena citzens. They're smaller than the chicks. The chicks hunt better. They have more male hormones. They eat after the chicks are done eating. Even the strongest male ranks lower than the weakest female. No one is really sure how/why this flip of nature happened that put chicks in charge. Maybe that's why they're laughing all the time. They're laughing at the dude hyenas...
Who is Laughing Hyena anyways?
2/8
So tonite I found out why you shouldn't pee while swimming in the amazon river. There's this fish called the candiru and its like some squiggily parasite that swims inside fishie gills to eat blood or something. The candiru track fish by the nitrogen which gills give off. Which is similar to the nitrogen in urine. So basically if you pee in the amazon the candiru might get confused and think you're a fish gill and swim up your... up your.... (insert tense up here!)
Here's what they're working on at MIT nowadays...
2/7
Tonite TV told me that I might get a cat sometime in 2006 maybe. I'm sort of allergic but now the mad scientists are working away on hypoallergenic cats. Basically they'll be just like regular cats but instead of the fur being on the outside the fur is going to be on the inside and the organs will be on the outside. Not quite as cuddily as the normal cats but you won't be sneezing all over the place or whatever.
Ok just kidding about that but not about the mutant cats that are coming for us. In the meantime here's some tips to train your cat to 'go' in the toilet.
2/6
Tonite I watched the Superbowl. At first I was in a bar but it sucked because all the seats were taken and everywhere I stood I felt like I was blocking someone's view and there was food there but it was hard to get to and I was in a traffic lane so I kept getting the shoulder bumps or someone would push my shoulder to get by without saying excuse me. Anyway, the best thing about the whole night I think was that friggin godaddy commercial especially when she spun around.
Anyway too bad they couldn't air the full version. You can check it here...
2/5
TV told me the probable origin of the myth of the cyclops:
One day back in the day two explorer dudes were walking around and one dude found a skull and said to the other explorer dude, "Dude! Check this out! Ew!" And the other dude was like, "Ew! What the hell is that? Gross, dude!" And the other dude was like... "Dude.. it's like a skull or something...look at it... " And other dude was like, "No way dude! A skull? A skull from what? Ew!" And other dude was like, "Dude it's like... a one eyed giant dude skull or something..." And other dude was like, "Dude that's creepy put it down..." And other dude was like, "No way dude I'm gonna bring it back to the ship and show Steve." And other dude was like, "Oh dude totally! Steve will totally freak!" (Steve freaked easy). So the two dudes went back to the ship and showed Steve and told Steve it was the skull of a one-eyed dude. And Steve totally freaked! Then one night later on when Steve was out drinking with some dudes, he told them about the giant one-eyed dudes and they were like dude no way!... and so on... and so on... Or so the legend goes.
Dude! Here's an elephant skull (aka cyclops skull) that's a puzzle to boot!
2/4
Tonite I seen an interview with this guy Rich Soloman who is the guy who banged Paris Hilton in that video tape. I found out that he's made over 6 million dollars from the sales of the video tape. $6M! He had a weird creepy laugh and didn't seem all that cool. But his advice to women who sleep with dudes on video tape is..... "keep the tape". Then he laughed his creepy laugh like a dumb coked dope. This is the guy that got Paris Hilton and Shannen Dougherty? What the frig with women?
Here's Paris Hilton is all her glory.
2/3
Hey! No fact yesterday! That's ok! There wasn't alot of TV yesterday! There's plenty of TV today! I'm gonna go watch some now and do situps... except without the situp part.
Here's bikini girls in a super wacked video (it loads super slow for extra annoyance)
2/2
Tonite TV showed me how the Cuckoo bird makes babies. The momma cuckoo lays an egg in some stranger's nest. Like a sparrow's nest or whatever. And the sparrow momma bird doesn't realize that there's a cuckoo bird egg in there and sits on it with the other eggs. Then the cuckoo bird hatches and it shoves all the other sparrow eggs out of the nest. Splat. Splat. Splat. And the sparrow bird ends up raising the lone cuckoo because the sparrow ain't not smart enough to know that it's crazy looking baby is really unsparrow and very cuckoo.
This thing screams ebay...
2/1
Today I watched something about sea cucumbers on tv. I learnt they're gross. All the do is sit around and eat crud off the sea floor and make lots of cucumbery doody all over the place. They're also gross because they breathe thru their butts whenever they're not making cucumbery doody. They like inhale water and soak in oxygen through their butt somehow or something. And they look sorta gross. So that's the story with sea cucumbers.
Here's a sea cucumber poem by The Lady From the Sea