October 13 2011
Recently, I found out I’m a terrible high-fiver. I do some sort of weird floppy wind up smack or something. Not solid. I got flagged on it and I’ve been working on it ever since.
I think the problem with my high five has been that I’ve been more focused on a loud –smack– noise than a solid hand-to-hand respect thing. I hate those sort of missed half-high fives so I do some sort of a whip situation to try and get maximum smacky noise.
Except that ‘whip’ apparently looks way limp lame and stuff. I didn’t know! How many disappointing high fives have I given because I’ve been chasing the dragon of a loud smack? I still haven’t perfected a ‘normal’ high five but I’m working on it– so now I’ll morph into the ‘guy who wants to give high fives all the time’– just to make up for it and show my improvement.
Fortunately, I’ve always been a good handshaker. I’ve been hyperaware for a while that a strong grip handshake is necessary at all costs. And power needs to be met with power. Like if you shake the hand of some big giant Andre the Giant dude you have to go for maximum crush on his hand to meet his maximum crush. Full blast squeeze.
I also go for maximum hand crush on all little girl hands and old lady hands to show that I mean business regardless of their hand status. I also go for maximum crush on little kids hands so they know not to f-k with me as well. Also when a dog gives paw I give maximum crush so the dog knows who the master is.
That being said I’ve found that I’ve been doing alot of fist bumping lately… Fist bump ideally would become the standard for us germaphobes. But fist bump is also tainted with d-baggery so you kind of have to pick and choose the who and the what. It can’t take over altogether.
Also lately, I feel like I’ve lost touch with the post-fist bump action or reaction. Like am I supposed to make the explosion thing? Every time?? On the TV the other day I saw this variation on a fist bump explosion which seems kind of coolio…
Although that video is from Feb 2010 so maybe I’m way late on the implosion thing…
Anyway, now and then I’ll hear about a movement to transform handshaking altogether into elbow touching to prevent ebola ecoli contagion outbreaking or whatever. Like get rid of handshakes altogether and do only elbow touching.
I think it seems like a decent idea– except elbow touching is too awkward to become a standard. And too obvious of a ‘I don’t want to touch you because you’re gross’ move. But there’s gotta be a better way than handshaking. Unfortunately, it’ll take an outbreak of ebola ecoli to lock it in.
Post-plague, I’d be up for bowing maybe. I think little bow is kinda cool. And there’s no fear that I’d be doing it wrong or weakly or whatever. Only risk would be bonking heads with the coconut noise.
Ok that’s it. Ok bye!