Anyway, it had been a lonnnng time since I’d gone away to any sort of tropical island type place. Like, all the way back to Spring Break back in college when I went to Barbados on a frat trip (where we bought and smoked a random flower because some local yokel said it was ‘Good Bajan Special’).

So for the honeymoon situation I was psyched to just go some place relaxing and hot — and lay on a beach like a starfish and read books and drink drinks until I decide roll into the ocean.

With all the planning going on we decided to use a travel agent. We both wanted to go some place crazy like exotic style. The travel agent started throwing out names of places I figure I’d never see. Bali, Bora Bora, friggin Fiji. Places I couldn’t find on a map of the globe with 50 guesses. Then she mentioned Tahiti…

We both said that sounded coolio. “Tahiti“. Seemed exotic and fun islandy — but not so far off the map that I could end up with my head on a spike. The travel agent started sending us hotels and places within our budget and we locked in on one particular ‘fancy’ resort. Approved. Sent check. Got plane tickets and itinerary. Then put everything in a drawer and focused on wedding stuff.

Anywayyy, the night before we’re set to leave I finally take the time to look up where Tahiti actually is. It was near Australia! I was like, ‘Whoa! We’re going all sorts of that far away!’ I guess I knew but I didn’t know but I kinda knew? I dunno. Just didn’t realize next stop was Australia….

As we’re packing stuff up, I google up the weather in Tahiti. I wanted to know if we were talking about 90 degrees or 80 degrees or what. Maybe 95? Doh! I see straight up every day is supposed be thunderstorms! 79 degrees. 7-Day forecast. Everyday. The graphic with the little dark cloud and the animated lightning bolt! I google through another site. Thunderstorms. Every. Day. I was like, ‘This can’t be right! It’s not supposed to rain at all!? Maybe one day! But every day?? I showed the wife and she totally dismissed it. She’s like, ‘Well, we’ll find out…’

I got onboard with that attitude. Who knows? Maybe down in Tahiti they get their weather forecast from some guy who sits in a tree and consults with a Toucan who wears glasses while they look at the stars…

We head to the airport the next day — and we’re immediately smashed with a two hour delay at JFK. I didn’t mind really. We’re were on our way! I had this great book all about Captain Cook (Further Than Any Man) and an iPad filled up with the first season of Lost. We were pretty set.

When we got to the airport I got nervous about our tickets from the travel agent. Row 38? It seemed like the back row. And I hate sitting by a bathroom. In a restaurant or plane or anywhere. I makes me crazy. Especially on a plane. I don’t need to be flying to california with a line of people next to me waiting to urinate or deuce on the other side of a wall. Door opening and closing. Dude vomiting everywhere. Who knows what goes on back there.

So when we get to the gate I tell the ticket lady that I’m looking to change seats. Tell her about my bathroom phobia. She mercifully hooks me up and switches our seats to the middle of the cabin (by the way, this is the first time I talked to a stranger and said, “My wife and I…” that takes a while to get used to. My wife and I… Because then it made me feel like I was some kind of superspy traveling with another secret agent and we’re posing as a married couple. Something about saying, ‘My wife and I…’ makes me feel like I should be wearing a fake moustache when I say it.

Anyway, we get on the plane and realize the backstab ticket agent changed our seats to the middle of the cabin. Directly next to the bathroom in the middle of the plane. Like look to my left. Bathroom door. Right there. Worse than the backrow. The seats seem extra tight too. The flight is overstuffed full.

Then American Airlines shockingly, assholishly, shows us a promotional clip for the ‘New American Airlines’… It was this.

Hey! American Airlines. When someone is smashed up in Coach on a full flight sitting next to a deuce-room. And we haven’t even taken off yet… Don’t run that clip. It’s a big FU…

(to be continued)

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