PART I is here…

So anyway, we land in Los Angeles after a six hour flight. (BTW — My seat was in direct view of the gallery where they prepare food for First Class. So I got to see the hot cookies and wine and non-gross food — while I wondered if my stewardess would be generous enough to let me keep the can.)

We land and drag our stuff through the airport to the international section looking for Air Tahiti Nui. We check in and see the terminal had a massive security line that snaked around so much it looked like the intestines of the airport.

After like 40 minutes, we get close to the front where the line splits to three different X-Ray scanners. I say to the wife, ‘Let’s race. You go left. I go right. And we’ll see who gets through security first!’ She gave me a tired look like, ‘Does everything have to be a stupid game?’ I nod like a cartoon dog until she agrees.

Of course, my line burns through at an embarrassing speed while she’s left way behind. Clunker line. To the point, where I know the game sort of backfired. I crushed the win. Crushed it. Wasn’t even close. I waved from the safe zone and gave a double thumbs up.

Anyway, while I’m putting my shoes back on — some random guy starts talking to me.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Guy: Where you headed?
Me: Tahiti. You?
Guy: Philippines. Again.
Me: Nice.
Guy: Business or pleasure?
Me: My honeymoon. She’s back there. We’re… umm.. racing.
Guy: Ah.
Me: Phillipines, huh. Business or pleasure for you?
Guy: Well… the business of pleasure.

(The guy gives me a look that gives me the jeebies. It dawns on me that he’s some kind of pervy sexual tourist).

Guy: Tahiti is gorgeous. Have a great time there…
Me: We’ll try — but it’s supposed to rain every day. I checked the weather. 7-Days of rain.
Guy: Ha! It always says it’s going to rain. That means just a chance of rain. Passing sun showers and such.
Me: Oh yeah?!
Guy: Yeah. It never rains all day. Just sun showers. Trust me. I head to this area allll the time.

The guy wanders away to go bring the soul of the world down a notch while I wait for the wife who finally makes it through security. She walks up to me with grumps.

Wife: You win. Congratulations, champion.
Me: Forget that!! This pervy guy just gave me the best news!!

We head through the airport to board a flight that will be eight friggin hours long. From LAX to an airport in a place called Papeete in Tahiti. I look at the full itinerary (kind of for the first time) and see that we have ANOTHER flight after we land. From Papeete to an island called Raiatea. I ask the wife, ‘Wait. What’s Raiatea?’ — and it dawned on us for the first time that neither of really knew where the hell we were going…

(to be continued)

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