January 25 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part IX

Anyway, it was Saturday. Day 4? Raining again. We woke up bright and early to head off to explore another island. I insisted on calling it ‘adventuring’. Just like Captain Cook! I told the wife, “Get ready for adventure!!”

Two island excursion choices: Taha’a (main attraction there is a “vanilla farm tour”) or Raiatea (markets and a ‘temple’). We decided on the half-hour bumpy boat ride to explore Raiatea.

I rented a car from their local “Avis”. This Avis outpost was so far off the grid it seemed completely unaffiliated with Avis. Like Japanese soldier in WWII left on an island. When I proudly told him I had a “Wizard number” he looked at me as though I was bragging about something unrelated.

The guy rents us a small Fiat (which I suspected was also his personal car) and asks us to try and fill the tank before returning it — but he warned us the gas station may or may not be open. Apparently guy who runs the gas station flakes out all the time or whatever. He also told me there was no antenna because people kept stealing them off the car. So no radio.

But the car is stick shift! I’m psyched! Love driving stick! And we were free to actually go somewhere!

(BTW — when my Dad was teaching me how to drive he immediately taught me how to drive stick shift. If you’re raising a kid and he’s learning to drive. Teach stick. Totally comes in handy. Plus, the wife thinks its cool and all man manly and stuff.)

Anyway, we were told to go to the ‘markets’ asap because it was Saturday and “everything closes at noon on Saturdays”. (That makes sense.) We drove into town and I expected to see clothing stores and souvenir shops. Maybe coffee cafes and a weird fish market. An art gallery or music shop? But the town by the Raiatea airport is more along the lines of any town that’s right by an unimpressive airport.

Lottery bodegas. Supermarket. Liquor stores. T-shirt shop. Weird no-name bank. Vague feeling that there was a potential to be shanked if you take a wrong left. It wasn’t really a touristy place. More of a local main strip where people buy stuff and hang out. It became clear in a snap that Raiatea isn’t really an island for tourists. It’s just where people actually live.

So from there I decided we should just drive toward the ‘temple’. It was like a 45 minute drive deep into Raiatea. Although the island itself is beautiful (as I guess all islands are to a certain degree)… but here’s a list of the main attractions we saw:

1. Sick and/or starving dog lying on the side of the road.

2. Shirtless heavy-set Polynesian kid sitting in a lawn chair in the pouring rain looking up at the sky. (passed him on the way out and the way back doing the same thing.)

3. Shanty style housing with roaming packs of dogs.

4. A scary pickup truck. (And at one point we were behind a shady looking pickup truck with tinted windows. The truck started driving slower… and slower in front of us. Bunch of dudes in the car. It was suspicious. Like they were messing with us. I prepared exit routes to speed away if this became a situation. Prepared to spring into car chase action! Downshift! Upshift! Aka a real adventure!!!… but they just made a left into a driveway.)

5. And finally the ‘temple’. Which is this. (Picture it with grey skies and rain):

We stared at the ‘temple’ from the car — defeated. Adventure failure. No interesting place to even grab lunch. Nothing discovered. A Big Captain Cook Zero.

We headed back. passed the fat polynesian kid staring at the sky, starving dog was mercifully gone, no threatening truck… and we dropped off the car that we rented for the day after a couple hours. (The gas station was closed btw). I don’t mean to Raiatea bash btw. Sorry Raiateanians if it comes off that way.

Anyway,…but bonus! When we arrived back at the airport we found out that we’d have to wait three (3) hours to catch the next boat back to our boring drenched resort. We couldn’t even get back to the place we didn’t want to be.

We sat down at the airport cafe to kill the time. It was the only choice. We ordered beers and big baguette sandwiches. The rain pounded down. Crabs scurried around by the drainage ditch for our entertainment.

I felt for the first time I wasn’t going to be able to turn our honeymoon around by sheer force of will. I was counting on Adventure! to save the day. Our adventure led us to a dead end at a remote airstrip airport… waiting for a boat.

Then this song came on the radio in the cafe. A song, just one week prior, the wife had so blissfully danced to at our wedding.

And for the first time on our honeymoon… she started crying..

(to be continued)


Brandon says:

Thanks for the update, Todd! I’ve been following your site since the late 90′s, and this honeymoon thing has me stopping in every day again – it’s so funny the way you write it. Thanks.

Jesse from Tulsa says:

+1. Long time follower that remembers when you were looking for real jobs, had tax issues, moved out of the City, got a dog, etc. I had drifted away. I’m checking often for this honeymoon story.

Leave no sordid detail out!

And remember, you had a boring honeymoon on a pacific island. Not all bad…

Dr. Frank N. Furter says:

You’ve got us shivering with anticip-…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Dr. Frank N. Furter says:


bullshit says:

this is fucking bullshit

Brandon says:

Mr. Bullshit- how much do you pay for this ‘entertainment’? I bet you’re one of those who yell at street performers to – “Is that all you got? Can’t juggle SEVEN flaming axes? SIX is just so boring! Losers!”

The Guest says:

Don’t feed the trolls, especially the short-bus-riding head-gear-wearing ones.

Scott says:

There are a lot of those on this site.

Karma says:

People riding the short-bus don’t have the mental ability to form complex sentences. Way to go Guest.

Chris says:

Cursing on line is the same as cursing in public, it is distasteful, unwarranted and a sign of ingnorance. If you can’t thing of a more colorful way to say “BS”, then don’t say anything at all.

Wang Wei says:

Thank you mother dearest.

Chris says:

There are a lot of people on here that need a good father or mother. Personally, I don’t think they got spanked enough as children.

Wang Wei says:

Thank you Chris for your Christian point-of-view. Then again our country’s parenting has gone down the crapper in recent years.

Chris says:

I never mentioned Christ. I am a Christian, and my values are based in his teachings of love and compassion. It is interesting that you see Christ in what I wrote. I was just expressing that cursing is ugly and I don’t like to read it on a friendly site like Todd’s. He is funny, and he likes boobs, just like me. His videos are little on the raw side, but I am glad I have the choice to watch them, or not too. Just like “BS”‘s right use profanity, I just wish he/she would choose not to.

Brandon says:

Now that is a load of bullshit. It sounds like you have had a penis on your throat one too many times.

Awesomeness says:

You’re right. Chris is full of BS. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the same jerk posting retarded comments on the Todd’s main comments section.

Brandon says:

I guess Todd still makes his self-imposed deadline of ‘Today’ if it’s on the site by 11:59pm.

Hurry up, Todd! No drinking or boobies until it’s done.

Goats says:

The workday is nearly over, and we are left high and dry, destined to remain bored to tears until the 5 o’clock ride in the overcrowded elevator…smh.

Brandon says:

Time is up!

Anonymous says:

You’re right. Chris is full of BS. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the same jerk posting retarded comments on the Todd’s main comments section.

The REAL Angry Man says:

Dude, its already Sunday here and still no update

RR says:

Beautiful writing…I cannot wait for the next segment!


Brain says:

It is hard to go anywhere when you have an expectation for things based on where you are from. NYC has world class venues for dining, exploring, shopping, art, culture and casual events. Even going to another part of the US it can seem just a hoakey pokey by comparison.

Brandon says:

Brain – if by world class you mean rude people and smelling of urine, you are correct.

Concerned Pervert says:

So… was she GOOD crying or BAD crying?

And was THAT your “wedding song” or just a random song played at your wedding?

Professional Tourist says:

The good news – Your marriage has officially nowhere to go but up from here!

Jimmy the Juicer says:

Great story tOdd!
You have balls of titanium, I would have packed it in and told Polyland to screw itself and flew off to Aussieland or somewhere fun.

Brandon says:

Love these comments, can’t people be civil and use different names? I wrote a few ‘Brandon’ comments here, including the first one. But someone else used ‘Brandon’ to write nasty stuff. Love the community. Sheesh.

Chris says:

Does “Judge not least ye be judged” mean anything to you. Clearly Brandon is a hateful, vindictive anti-Semite and he should be banned from the entire internet until he repents.

Chris says:

Puppies and babies are vile creatures that should be exterminated. All hail Hitler!

Brandon says:

Geez, Chris. I really thought you were a better person.

Wang Wei says:

Thanks for proving my point Chris.

The Christian hatred at its finest.

Way to go.

Chris says:

Someone forgot to change their name back to Brandon before posting. Why do you have to post under so many names? Are you trying to hide the fact that you are part of a satanic cult? It isn’t working.

Wang Wei says:

Awwwww. Poor Erin.

She was expecting the perfect and then all this stuff happens.

Todd probably went into goofball mode to cheer her up.

Anonymous says:

Todd, you are indeed a sensitive and caring individual. Otherwise, why would you say, “I don’t mean to Raiatea bash btw. Sorry Raiateanians if it comes off that way.”
when there’s virtually no chance anybody on that island has the internet?
Unless you’re trying to make Sensitive Guy Brownie Points with the wife, which can be redeemed for- you guessed it- sex.

Wang Wei says:

** Cue Porn Music **

Voice_Of_Reason 457-55-5462 'Public Masturbation' says:

If everyone could just include their social security number and personal fetish after their names, this would stop all this tomfoolery.

Wang Wei says:

When did you become an Internet Nazi?

Wang Wei says:

Public Masturbation you say? I’ve never even seen a naked girl so I spend my time trying to get other people to talk about the sex they are getting. I might have a chance to get laid if women weren’t so quick to use the pepper spray.

Brain Damage due to Diabetes says:

I wonder how long Todd is going to run these series of stories. Not that I’m complaining or anything.

Chris says:

The real chris, not the fake one. Not a Christian Hater. Wang Wei, look up Backpage, you will find a willing girl.

Wang Wei says:

Why did you post that when you know that you, Brandon and I are all the same person. If you don’t knock it off they are going to send all of us back to that Psychiatrist again.

FRP says:

Hang in there, new Mrs. Todd! It will (most likely) get better!!
((Also, you will have the best honeymoon story to share with the kids and grandkids!! Any jackass can go th Paris, but it takes a special kind of nut to attempt this trip! Clearly you two are perfect for each other and your life together will never be boring! Mazel Tov!))

Aaron says:

This honestly made me laugh so hard I didn’t know if it would end. I’ve been there, OT, I’ve been there…

Have a website? Wanna be featured below? Send me a banner 364x40! 100% Free!