January 14 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part VI

So anyway the next couple days were a blur. We’d wake up whenever in the morning and try to get a read on the weather. Just like Captain Cook I’d look to the sky to see what the day might bring.

Dense thick clouds too thick hovered above our little island like the spaceships in District 9. It was definitely going to rain. The clouds were ten deep in front of the sun. You couldn’t even see where the sun was in the sky.

None of the hotel staff seemed surprised about the rain. They said, “It always rains in December. It’s the rainy season… ” (Rainy season?!!)

In my head I had a vision to our travel agent sitting at some desk laughing maniacally. All week long it was supposed to rain?! Everyday? The perv back at the airport didn’t know sht about anything! The Toucan wearing glasses was right…

We sat in our hut and depressingly hunkered down watching episodes of Lost. Or read our books. Napped. Etc-ed. Feed the fish through our hut floor with bread rolls we snagged at breakfast.

At some point there was a knock on our hut door. (Ia Orana!) And I was handed a card. We were cordially invited to a “Pearl Fashion Show” at 7:30 and promised a “Free Gift” if we attended.

We kind of laughed it off and forgot about it. But that night, we headed to our restaurant (to be shaken down for $200+ for salads that tasted weirdly ‘sprayed’, fish covered in vanilla sauce and Beringer wine) and we knew there was some excitement in the air! The music was actually upbeat for the first time! Lights bright! It was on! The Pearl Fashion Show!

In the lobby of the hotel, there were five other people (they looked like a tour group) sitting and enthusiastically clapping and taking flashbulb pictures as hotel staffers came down a long flight of stairs pretending to be models. A woman MC’ed in broken english.

We tried to run away but got chased down by a hotel clerk. He insisted we come in for one drink and get our free gift. The wife looked at me like, ‘Please say no. Please say no..’ I was like, ‘Sounds great! Maruurruru! Lead the way!’ (there was nothing else to do. literally.)

The clerk gave us drinks with big straws and we joined the group of five other people (weirdos btw) sitting and watching staffer after staffer come down the stairs. Wearing clothes from the gift shop and pearls from the pearl shop. MC giving us the scoop.

The ‘models’ would make sure you saw the pearls up close. They’d kneel down right in your face and awkwardly stroke the necklaces. We’d slurp our drinks and nod enthusiastically. Or say things like, ‘So pretty. So pretty…’

They’d look you in the eyes as if hypnotically convincing you that you needed to buy their pearls. Seductressy. In my head I’m like, ‘Honey, I’ve never felt so ripped off in my life. The last thing I’m doing is buying a string of friggin black pearls from this place. For 425,000 (however the fk much that was)…’

In the end, we were given a polished oyster shell as our gift — and headed to the restaurant to work through a cuisine that redefined mediocrity night after night.

Now that the evening’s “excitement” was over. The music switched backed to the vanilla island music.

For the first time, I flagged the reality that the music (music that played throughout the resort) was on a loop. Maybe a dozen songs or so total. Songs we’d eventually hear dozens of times.

The music seemed orchestrated to slowly numb the mind and the soul. With the eventual goal of draining personal identity altogether.

This was one of the songs:

We were officially in trouble.

(to be continued)


Krankor says:

Can’t wait to hear about the “Vanilla Island Multi-Species S&M Orgy”!

Comeon, you know it happened. Tell us all about it. We won’t judge.


The Guest says:

What’s the matter? Your mom block pornhub from you so you have to try and talk other people into telling you about what it is like to not be a virgin?


Latsamy says:

Oh, das sieht sehr nach einem Graufilter-Foto aus und erinnert mich daran, dass ich mienen Graufilter-Aufbau (in der Kamera wechelbar) auch mal testen sollte um schf6ne Bilder wie hier zu machen.

you make me sick says:

Where has that cock sucker Mr. Deng been ?

Santosh says:

Matthias this is breath taknig! It is a perfect subject for a long exposure, the colors are rich and vibrant, the composition is striking and has an excellent graphic quality to it. I just love this image the water is perfectly blurred, and what a subject emotionally eh? wonderful simply wonderful.

Krankor says:

Mommy made me post that. She hasn’t let me out of the basement in years.

Fernando says:

and future nurse mnagaers, this is how you cut back on staff and expenses, by increasing your patient to nurse ration. Scrubs caption contest winners – 2011Posted: January 17th, 2011GD Star Ratingloading…

Anonymous says:


Professional Tourist says:

I love that you brought home the souvenier CD (and they only charged you $174.99 US for it)!

The REAL Angry Man says:

Could be worse, they could be selling time share. And of course December is the rainy season down here, your travel agent knew that. (not that we are getting any this year. wtf is with that? Stupid bloody monsoons)

Zucc says:

Does your wife read these honeymoon blogs? If I were you, I’d get her approval before posting. I wouldn’t want to ruin her memories by saying something mean when she actually liked a certain dinner, beach spot, whatever. Just trying to look after you bro!

Jimmy the Juicer says:

Dang I couldn’t listen to all of that song, sorry tOdd.

Leroy says:

Da bitch married oddtodd, that’s whatca get.

hebba says:

I have a friend who broke her face on her honeymoon….feel better?

Say My Name! says:

Zucc – if the wife approved of going to Tahiti in the rainy season, I’m thinking she doesn’t reading honeymoon blogs. I’m not planning a honeymoon and even I know it’s the rainy season in Tahiti. If they wanted to keep it cheap, they should have just gone to the Sandusky, OH Holidome – it would have been cheaper, less rainy, on the water and there’s a decently priced Perkins across the street.

Smelly James says:

What is this day 2? Write a book shitface

Krankor says:

I can’t wait until Perv Guy shows up.

Brandon says:

Zucc – it’s not a healthy relationship if someone is ‘scared’ to post something because his wife might have a different opinion.

It sounds like you’re still really young. Realize that an adult relationship is one where each person understands the others differences, and is okay when, for example, one eats meat and the other is a vegetarian. You love each other for who you are, not scared to cow-tow to your wife all the time.

Sounds like Todd has a good relationship. Well, except for his love of women chick-flicks recently! lol

The Guest says:

Cut Zucc some slack. He’s never even kissed a girl other than his mom.

Whistle Blower says:

This is a schmoz! He’s just trying to generate content for his website. The real honeymoon was 7 days on Royal Carribean “Freedom of the Seas”. True story bro.

Goats says:

Was there no way to get any weed??? That sounds like a nightmare!

Shadowdancer21b says:

Read “The Curse of Lono”. Should have before you left, but read it now and you will find your own experience is very similar to what happened to Hunter Thompson.

LifeOfPI says:

Hurry up and get to the point in the story where all the employees fled the island, and left you alone with just your wife and a tiger.

Unless your wife IS a tiger, rowr!

Crumbles says:

Well, I’m soooo glad that we’re finally up to day twooooWHAM

The Guest says:

You do know that you don’t have to read it, don’t you? I’m sure a narcoleptic like yourself could find a better way to use their time.

Anonymous says:

Piss off

Siebert says:

Well, at least we don’t know the language for that insidious music on the video. Personally I would have avoided the pearl extravaganza and focussed on scuba and spa. And cut the wires on the sound system.

Karuna says:

The complementary corols of gold and purple are truly pleasing to the eye. Not to mention the unique perspective. Very well done and a fun weekend to boot!

Rudi says:

Still catching up on eyvrething from being away sure looks like you’ve been busy. Seems every image is better than the last!This one’s so cool, and I reckon it’s likely mostly in the processing you’ve done here. Rather a mundane image, but somehow you’ve managed to create a very striking scene with it.

Beth B says:

Mr. Deng would have totally dug the fashion show! Coolio Pearl land!

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