January 29 2013

Honeymoon Tripping: Part X

Anyway, we get back to the resort after our day of Adventure! and for the first time we turn on the WIFI to email complain to our travel agent about everything that has gone wrong. The wife is all typety, type type all banging on the keys and stuff. Send.

We spray ourselves down with Off! and head to dinner to eat vanilla fish and drink Beringer wine. Pouring rain outside. We start to discuss the idea of going home early. Ending the trip. We still had a few days left but it seemed ridiculous. And too expensive to sit in a fancy hut in the rain and watch Lost just out of spite.

In the morning, we have a back and forth with the properly apologetic travel agent. She offers to fly us to Mexico or Hawaii but we tell her we just want to go home. New York please. She arranges a flight late afternoon from Raiatea to start the massive slog of 24 hours of travel. Raiatea to Papeete to LA to NYC.

We sadly/happily go to our last breakfast. See our hobbled bird ‘Crutchie’. Talk our same waitress who has called me by the name “Tave” for days. We eat the same stuff. Listen to the same mind numbing music. Stare at the same morning rain. It was a sad breakfast. It was official. The honeymoon was kind of over. We burned through so much money and didn’t even have tans. I hadn’t even drank from a friggin coconut.

We say goodbye to the breakfast people and wander back to the hut to pack up. We feed our fish friends some goodbye bread. I steal a handtowel as a reminder of the hut. And we pack our bags which are picked up by someone in a bicycle with a cart. They’re pedaled away in the pouring rain. Sogging up our luggage. We sign our bill. Say more goodbyes. They throw shell necklaces around our necks — and we get on the boat. Back again to Raiatea.

It was a relief to see our resort disappearing behind us. Although we made the most of it, and we it was all fun in its weirdness and rain– but we had been defeated. Wash out. Time to go home. I was a little excited… I missed the dogs.

Bumpy seas. Back to the airstrip airport to get on a propeller plane. The first flight of three. We go to check in and the woman behind the counter tells us we don’t have confirmed seats. (huh?) We’re only on standby. (Stand-by?!) These aren’t big planes. We were told confirmed! We had connecting flights! I delicately try to manipulate the situation. To feel out if this is a serious stand-by or a ‘everyone gets on eventually’ stand by or is this a “me being extra nice and tugging sympathy out of the counter person then I get on the plane” type stand-by.

It was a serious standby. Not only was this flight super sold out. But so was the next flight. And the last flight of the day... And then she coldly tells us that all flights are also sold out for the next two days too!! She wasn’t apologetic or sympathetic about it. Almost with a smirk.

The wife panicks and says, “No. No! You don’t understand. We have to get the hell outta here.. We have to get outta here!!” It was totally a Brokedown Palace style of imprisoned female desperation. I backed her off before the wife grabbed the woman by the front of her shirt and pulled her close so she could say it again. Nose to nose.

I sat the wife down (she stared out into space for like the next hour). We had about $230 with us. I told the guy behind the counter that I have a standing offer to any traveler. $230 for two seats. Cash. I wandered around and tried bribe people at the airport. $230? Two tickets. Nobody wanted to give up their seats. Not for $230. There was no ATM. No way to get any more than that.

I tried bribing the guy behind the counter. He barely spoke english so I kind of put the bribe on the nose. I was like, ‘I. Me. Give you. You. Two hundred thirty american dollars. For two seats. Extra. You get $230. Fee. Free. For you.’ I think he understood but I could see in his eyes– this wasn’t like America where bribes usually work. This was an honest place that legit had no seats on any plane.

The wife sat stone faced in disbelief as she watched me flail around the airport waving $230 in the air like I was trying to hail a cab or a stripper. But our plane takes off without us. Off until the dark rainy terrifying clouds. We crushed we weren’t lucky enough to be passengers.

We wait standby for the next one. I try to bribe the new batch of travelers. I try to beg. But it’s booked. That one too soon takes off. Without us.

Now it’s now like 7pm at night. We’ve been at this nowhere airport all day (the same airport where the wife cried at just one day prior). There’s one more flight at like 8pm. Bribing was futile though. There was like a soccer team of kids waiting for the next flight. No flexibility there. No takers. It became real. We actually weren’t going home. We’d definitely missed all the connecting flights so the whole thing could turn into a bigger mess anyway.

It was over. We stunningly hadn’t gotten on any plane. The glimmer of hope was snatched away by cruel circumstance. Just like Brokedown Palace. Tahitian court found us guilty of trying to escape. Sentenced to three more days. We called the hotel to arrange for the boat to come get us…

The only bright spot of the situation was that it was raining so friggin hard that I was actually nervous to fly. It was like a pounding wall of rain outside. So at least, we weren’t flying on some prop plane in a thick storm. Seemed like the type of plane where the pilots wear goggles and yell all the commands.

The boatman greeted us again with a big hello. We dragged our soggy sorry luggage up on the boat. And headed back to the resort– feeling like we were about to do some hard time…

73

Brandon says:

‘Part X by the end of the day today, I say!’
Hey! If I had my way, the update would come before the end of my work day, yay!

bullshit says:

this is fucking bullshit

T says:

Remember how his last post was about a young white guy who worked in a factory? Read the post. Obviously he was a mass murderer on the run and when he realized deny was posting pictures of him on the internet he iced the fool.

Yodel in the Valley says:

You’re still going on about Mr. Deng. It’s been 5 years, man. Let it go.

Kristen says:

4 days since the last update? This is the part of the story where 1 seat remains on the plane so Todd does the chivalrous thing and lets his wife leave the island. Todd stays on the island for 2 days having sex with all the native women. He needs to be careful how he explains the story to keep his wife happy. That’s why this is taking so long to write.

Brandon says:

Kristen, you are a vapid airhead.

Mr. Spock says:

…And the adventure continues!

Krankor says:

Keep them coming! Reading this is the most exciting part of my sorry life.

Brandon says:

I’m Krankor’s boy toy and can attest that he drools over todd updates

Jesse from Tulsa says:

LoL, loser!

Oh, and +1. :(

Jean_Phx says:

I love this story.

Brandon says:

Well, I’m leaving work…. not able to distract myself with an OddTodd update. Maybe tomorrow morning I can slack off at work?

Goats says:

Hopefully this is the last part. It’s dragging on…..

Brandon says:

Hey Jackass! Nobody is forcing you to read them. Get the hell out of here and don’t come back. I mean it! Ungrateful SOB.

Fuq Mei says:

They’re just mad because they don’t like the direction the website is going.

Goats says:

hey brandon, go fuck a duck…

Brandon says:

I told you to leave and not come back and I wasn’t joking. Now get the hell out of here and I don’t want to catch you around here again!

The REAL Angry Man says:

C’mon Todd, no time for facebooks, you can’t just leave the wife crying at the airport cafe.. .

The REAL Angry Man says:

After years of free entertainment I have developed a sense of entitlement.

Hot chick with big boobs says:

All the posters here are hot, I want to sleep with all of them.

admin says:

Typing away! had a bad day… sorry for the delay… i made a rye…may

DARLEK says:

Human! You will post part 12 of the odd todd honeymoon story by midnight or you will be EXTERMINATED!!

Jayslickbalt says:

Midnight Raiatea time I guess

Moomatz says:

Well, I used to get upset about no more OT toons, after he got a GF and some gigs to pay some bills and now it’s wife time. Life is so much better with a household of your best friends you’ve ever had. Believe me, it’s taken 40 years to get there for myself and worth every damn penny, tear and smile. Keep it up, buddy, I’ll be there until the end watching and smiling with you.

Brandon says:

I’ve been up all night waiting for the update, refreshing every 10 seconds. I’ve gotten no sleep at all. I’ve got a big presentation at work, and I’m going to get fired because I haven’t prepared, and will probably fall asleep while on stage. My children won’t get fed when I lose my job. Curse you, Todd!

Wang Wei says:

It isn’t Todd’s fault you are a failure at life.

Brandon says:

Wang Wei: I called in sick so I could keep my job. So who is the failure now?

Wang Wei says:

You

An Anon Reg says:

An insincere thanks to the royal asshole that finally broke the DFB. May 1,000 fleas infest your puny genitalia, you waste of skin.

I love this story! But don’t apply for a job with the Polynesian tourism board. Just sayin’. :)

Wang Wei says:

Nobody cares about the DFB except the few losers that hang out there. Try leaving your house for once.

Ann Wong says:

Why is it that comments here are always rude? You guys should respect one another.

Goats says:

make it end. Brandon, please eat some poisonous berries.

Brandon says:

I’ll make it end but you’ll be the one eating the poison berries.

Kimberley says:

OMG, that sucks!! Sorry you had such a bummer of a honeymoon!

An Anon Reg says:

Seriously, on the Deng front. I’ve never seen a mentally ill person remain so focused. Branch out, crazypants. Go bother the Scientologists or something. I’m especially fond of being told to leave the house by something that posts here religiously. Nice touch, you insane little rhesus monkey, you.

I thought having everything on Kauai shut down by 9pm was bad. At least I could rent a car and look around, buy a plate lunch and some doobies from same guy. If it rained in one spot, you could head to another. Tahiti sounds terrible.

Wang Wei says:

Nobody like you here either Squid so stop writing as if anyone cares at all about what you think. We have no interest in your self-delusions.

Fuq Mei says:

At least it’s not Ginger, or JFK.

John "Freakin' " Kennedy says:

I need another episode of this like I need a hole in the head, my fellow Americans.

snooo says:

This story is crazy! Your travel agent really jerked you around though. I feel bad you were taken like that. Seems like you both made it out alright though, so looking forward to see how we get to that point.

lonely guppy says:

Todd made it out, but do we know if his wife did? Maybe Part XI is about Todd having to sell his wife to the natives so he can get out of there and get home to see Roscoe?

jetstar says:

I feel for you and the misses Todd. The story is so engrossing it should be made into a book and then a movie. Can’t wait to read what happens next!

Anonymous says:

My gosh, it’s the honeymoon from… well, not necessarily hell, maybe heck. I cannot believe how bad your travel agent was. And now back to the resort? After the seashell sendoff? Awkward.

The REAL Angry Man says:

OK, I really thought we were heading towards a happy ending, but no. Their only way out of this is a sacrifice to Cthulu. Sorry Crutchie, but you’re taking one for the team.

Ctal says:

*slump* God, I was cheering audibly during the boat off of the island part….
Tell you what though, if you and Mrs. OT make it through this honeymoon? Everything else is a cakewalk. ;)

Timmy says:

Please let this story end…please.

Timothy says:

You could just stop reading, and then *poof* magically the story ends for you.

Guy Smiley says:

Todd’s commentors seem like a fun group. Why don’t we all plan a get-together in Vegas? Let me know who wants to come, and how many Brandons there will be. I’m ready to Part-ay!

Brandon says:

How about you shut the hell up for once in your life? I would never go anywhere with you – ever!

Captain William Riker says:

SHUT UP BRANDON!!

AND STOP TALKING!!

Brandon says:

I’M NOT TALKING!!!!!!

I’M TYPING!!!!!

Brandon says:

You know, when you post things one minute apart but with different names you look like a moron.

Captain William Riker says:

Typing bullshit.

Goats says:

Brandon is my best friend!

Brandon says:

If you were my friend I would drown you in the toilet.

Sh!tForBra!ns says:

This honeymoon has officially gone from bad to worse.

Hawaii Honeymoon says:

Todd, did the same thing on our honeymoon. We had 2 weeks in Hawaii, left 2 days early because we missed our dog and our new house we bought just a week prior to getting married.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no family or friends and a completely different lifestyle, even if it is Hawaii, makes you homesick. We should have done just 1 week not 2.

Kevin says:

OK. I understand that your wife was upset because of the horrible experience you had during your trip, but grabbing the collar of the customer service rep. I’m sorry, but that was crossing the line.

I don’t care how miserable she was, you don’t do things like that.

Just because you’re Americans, doesn’t entitle you to do whatever you please. Very tactless behavior.

Kevin is a doofus says:

Kevin,

Clearly, Todd implied that his wife was very upset and WOULD HAVE grabbed the collar of the customer service rep, but DID NOT as Todd intervened.

What if the customer service rep had an awesome rack? Would it be okay if the wife ‘grabbed the collar of the customer service rep’ to see her boobs? Because THAT is a legitimate reason for said behavior right there.

Brandon says:

Kevin,

Is there a tall building or bridge that you could get to quickly? If so, get there as fast as you can and jump off. Repeat if necessary until you no longer have a pulse.

Kevin says:

Screw you troll

Goats says:

brandon, would you eat poop for 50 bucks?

Guy Smiley says:

Again, I reiterate, I would throw myself in front of a train to save any of the wonderful people here. Everyone here is a class act.

Kevin says:

Except Brandon.

Brandon says:

Kevin, I would like like less typing and more plummeting from you.

Jenn in Jerz says:

I had to quit reading. X! Part X! I know it was days full of wonderful rain, but this story got boring really fast. :(

VantheThird says:

This is quality cartoon material Todd!

Me Thinks says:

This is a ploy to boost site traffic so Todd can sell the site and be done with it. Thoughts?

Kevin says:

First of all, use proper grammar. Two, Todd is not going to sell off the site. With the traffic he get (YES, he STILL get traffic). Combined with his official business venture Odd Todd Studios, logically it won’t make sense.

Marriage is just another stepping stone in the game of life.

Brandon says:

This site doesn’t get anywhere near enough traffic to make it of any value. Kevin, you should go eat some rat poison.

gtpjerry says:

Finish the friggin story already!

Wang Wei says:

And you’re an idiot Brandon.

Jill Merrill says:

You guys need a second honeymoon sometime soon. Preferably on the couch in front of the TV with lots of beer and chips.

Which one in the photo is you?

dani says:

You went and got all hitched up?!?! awwww SO nice. I’m clearly not dropping in to read the What’s happenings nearly enough!, Congratulations to you and your beautiful bride!!! Way to go Todd!!

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