February 12 2013
By the end of the week I had finished my Captain Cook book. Amazing guy. Long story short, he started off a great, brave adventurer. One of the greatest. But in the end, ended up a bit of a dickhead. Exploiting natives. Sloppy seamanship. Greedy. Overall dickishness to the crew.
Captain Cook met his demise at the hands of angry Hawaiians who were simply fed up with his highass douchery. They hit him on the head with a rock and stabbed him like fifty times. Then he was disemboweled and then chucked down a volcano or something. He really was being a cock and sort of deserved it.
(btw he also kept amazing journals that are available here. insanely detailed and weirdly bloggy.
We were glad we had Tuesday Night Entertainnight to mix it up because we gave up on watching Lost days ago. We slogged thru like 14 episodes in and finally admitted we surprisingly weren’t hooked. Sorry Lost people. First season acting is distractingly awful (except for Locke) and the whole thing plays like an messy soap opera. I ended up renaming the show ‘What’s That Guy’s Deal?’
Anyway, we noticed more guests started to arrive at the resort with looks of excitement and adventure. Maybe 10 couples in all now. It was nice to see other people around but I wanted to warn them… Warn them away…
Like: Hey New Fish! Don’t unpack yet! First take a good look at us! Us veterans with the pasty white skin! Sunken eyes! Slumped shoulders! Gnawing on a piece of stale bread at lunch! Meet our crippled bird! That’s our friend! Crutchie! Take a look what’s become of us!! You think the wife is rocking back and forth knees to chest and mumbling because she’s happy?! She’s recovering from the massage at the spa! I saw a frenchman’s dick! Go back!
But we made it through the day and got dressed (sprayed) for the night. Tuesday night! We decided to have celebratory drinks at the bar first. ($15 each btw for a bad concoction of watered down rum and mango juice or something). We learned Tuesday night is buffet night too. All you can eat. Gorp.
We piled up our plates with vanilla fish and soaked vegetables and order a Beringer wine. We toasted to our last night and awaited the mysterious entertainment to come.
And then we heard a yell. A yelly yell!
This guy with tattoos all over his body and face appeared in the restaurant. Shirtless. Loin clothed. Yelling! But he wasn’t there to murder us! He brought with him some well-worn jokes and walked around working the room.
He tried desperately to yank excitement out of the dead energy of the place. He made jokes about his bad english. Asked where people were from and made jokes about their countries. Hit on people’s wives. Dude was like Tahitian tribal dude with borscht belt schtick.
Meanwhile, the wife and I are cracking up — but nobody else is laughing. He’s bombing. Bad. One joke after another. I couldn’t believe it. No love for tattoo face? I look around the room at the other guest like, ‘Hey! Word of life advice, people! If a guy with tattoos all over his face tells you a joke.. Laugh.’
Then Tuesday Entertainment starts up. He brings out some drummers and dancing girls who do the hip dancing island thing which is literally hypnotic. I think my eyes crossed. The wife took a picture of me watching…
It was all drummy drummy hippy hippy shifty shifty fun funny. (Frankly, it could have been better rehearsed. The girls were all sort of looking at each other to see what the next move was about. All out of sync. But that was okay..)
We drank a second bottle of Beringer wine then headed downstairs for the rest of the entertainment. The rain held off for a few hours which allowed the Tattoo face guy to do this…
The girls danced more. The guys danced more. Really was a fun show. All celebratory and Hooh Hahh! Hoo! Haah!!!! tribal style… There were more people in the show than watching but it was okay. Good show!
We headed back to our hut for the last night at the resort. Really happy to have our last night be a high note … but fully ready to get the fruck out of there.
Which will bring us to the final (or 2nd to last) post…
And I’ll include lots of pictures!
Get to the catch area and then head off towards the end zone to try and score a touch down!
You are a battle marine from the future that has been sent back in time to change the future.