So I'm into my 30's. Single. Seemingly incapable or uninterested in maintaining a long-term relationship. "Artsy". Not too good at or too into sports. I guess some of my mannerisms could be unique-ish. I talk with my hands alot. I'm lanky. I admit I like Justin Timberlake. I dig gossip. Read Us. I have a dog that needs haircuts. I have an "alternative" lifestyle. Etc. So I'm not surprised if some people now and then suspect that I might be top secretly gay.
I guess I would have suspicions about me if I didn't know me that well. (It only bothers me if some random girl thinks that-- and it's a girl I want to be un-gay with). But now and then someone sort of implies that it would be "ok" for me to finally come out of the closet. They let me know that they'd be totally cool with it if I outted myself. That I shouldn't worry what they think.
Like recently, a married friend who I haven't seen in a good while hung out. And at some point he started saying stuff like, "I went to a gay wedding recently and it was totally cool, man." And, "I think they're great you know... Gay people." I could tell the conversation was tiptoeing around, "Dude, if you're gay-- I'm comfortable with it. You don't have to hide and stuff."
Umm... It's like, 'Thanks?'
Sure, there's a defensiveness that goes up when someone accuses me of being secretly gay-- but it's the same sort of defensiveness that goes up whenever anyone assumes that I'm something that I'm not.
I'm really not insulted when people might be suspicious of my unmarried often-single 30-something well-mannered self. (It probably throws them off extra because I'm so friggin handsome and smart). And I guess it's ok for people to let me know that they'd be comfortable with it. That's nice. But I guess what I do find insulting is the idea that at this point in my life, they think I'd still be hiding in some closet secretly sneaking around and too embarrassed to admit who I am. Maintaining some social charade by dating girls and talking about boobs every other sentence-- to guard my top secret secret?
At the very least I think they'd know that I simply don't have the energy or motivation to run any kind of double life. I barely pull it together to run one.
Yadda, I'm sure people will read into this and assume I'm totally gay just for mentioning not being gay or talking about gay stuff all gay. Or people may even think I'm super subconsciously unaware of my own gaydom. Uh huh. That would have to run pretty deep because my private time all-alone top fantasy involves a harem of girls dressed up in little Jeannie outfits and me wearing nothing but a crown on my head and a whistle around my neck.
But whatever! It actually feels kinda coolio to finally out myself as not gay instead of just ignoring the questionable rainbow colored elephant in the room. Two snaps up and fierce!
ok bye!
tOdd