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JANUARY 2007

1/31

I know I said that I'd do Idol updates every week here but I haven't been. I love Idol but the auditions this year are real light on the 'Going to Hollywood' people. Too many goofballs and not enough future finalists. Anyway, while flipping around during a commercial I found out that the music group Blondie isn't named Blondie because of Debbie Harry and her blondness. They named it after Hitler's dog... named Blondi.

I wonder if Debbie Harry (best rock chick ever) tried out for Idol--- would she make it through to Hollywood?

1/30

Tonite Katie Couric told me that sea lions and pelicans out in the Pacific Ocean are going all mental because they're busy tripping out on sea LSD sorta. There's some algae that gets produced in the oceans that make sea creatures to trip out and get all disoriented. Unfortunately it's not like the sea lions are lying on the beach looking at their flippers like all wowed out by their coolio physical structure.... they're like getting hurt and doing weird scary stuff like wandering way far away from the ocean and stuff.

Here's a chart thing with the acid that's messing them up fyiness. And here's Grand acidhead Ken Kesey talking about Gulf War I and some other stuff a little...

1/29

Last night TV told me how the bulldog got the name 'bulldog' and why their faces are all smashed in. Apparently back in the day, bulldogs were used from some activity called 'bull baiting'. And it was important that the bulldog could jump into a bull's face and bite on to it's nose and hang on. I was like, 'What the hell kind of sport is that?' They didn't say anything else what 'bull baiting' was. So I had to be all Curious Monkey and look it up.

Not glad I did. Just another thing people did before television. Here's a trial transcript about bull baiting.

1/28

Tonite some dork told me that Mars might actually have an atmosphere! Only it's not like around the planet... it's under the surface! So what does that mean? Well, for starters it means there's a possibility that there's a race of underground alien mole people who live under the surface who have pincer-like faces that are used for either battle or miniature sculpture. And once a day every creature stops what its doing to scream in unison for over an hour... before they continue their war to settle the interpretation of the text of the ancients-- or build yet another small statue which looks very much like alien Hummel-- depending on their expertise! That's what!

Mars sucks... I don't get it.

1/27

Yesterday I found out there was more problems with the James Brown estate. After that weirdness of locking out his "wife" or whatever she was. There was some fighting about where the Godfather should be buried. Now the kids are like suing because they're claiming the trustees mismanaged his assets. It's all a big mess. So I got an idea! There's so many people fighting for his dollars here's what they should do-- Cash out everything. Put it in one big pot. Get every relative or whoever who has some claim to it. Get them all together. Reality show competition! One person wins everything! Called it 'The Godfather's $oul Heir.' Hit show! Boom done! Someone send me a check damn it!

I can dance exactly like this but it wouldn't look anything like this...

1/26

So today tv told me something about something called orgasmic headaches. I guess some people out there have like blazing headaches right before or after orgasmatroning or whatever. Sort of must be weird to be with a chick who's passionately yelling, 'Keep going! Keep going! I have a headache! I have a headache!' The good news is there's treatment for people who suffer from OH!

Here's smore info bout that...

1/25

Today TV told me that some science dude has developed a way to make caffeinated donuts. Eat a donut? Same thing as drinking two cups of coffee! With no caffeine taste to ruin the donut! Finally after years and years of hard work another scientific achievement that nobody asked for or wanted!

Wanna play some Donutboy?

1/24

Today TV told me that the first 'text-message novel' was published. People who want can now read a whole novel in text message format! It's written with LOL and WTF and all that sort of speak! It's like 1000 text messages! So far the total amount of people who have read the novel in its entirety is zero.  The publisher claims that they're not bothered by that statistic because, "the novel actually totally sucks and makes no sense."

Here's a freebie eNovel if you wanna poke around on it...

1/23

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. Idol was sort of boring (not enough 'I'm going to Hollywood! screams') And the President's speech was boring. (it was only entertaining when at the beginning he told Pelosi to get started and when the weirdo congresschick wouldn't let go of his shoulder at the end) I read today that people are all excited that he 'mentioned Darfur'-- so maybe that place will get some attention. Man, in terms of invading places to fix em up -- this place should have been top of the list maybe I think....

Anyway, here's a message from Bette Midler about Darfur...

1/22

So yesterday I found out that over in China doctors are busy stinging people with bees. They're using bee stings to treat like infections and like cure cancer and stuff. They take a couple bees and they shove them in your face until they sting you in the face and then you say, 'Ow! My face!' And then you're like, 'Wait a sec I'm cured of my thing! That was on my face!'

Here be a bee fan who be in it for the long bee haul...

1/21

Tonite I found out that we're about to get assaulted by a new breed of vending machines. Instead of soda or ice cream vending machines there's gonna be new vending machines.... with electronics. So if you're at the airport and desperate for a friggin iPod mini or new cellphone-- you can go up to a machine and pump in a thousand quarters or whatever and get yourself a crap device. Then you can be pissed at yourself for the rest of the your trip when you find out that you overpaid by $30 and the thing is broken already and you don't know how to return it....

Here go the worst things you can eat out of a vending machine...

1/20

Today I found out that people are considering messing with genetics to produce 'designer babies'-- but not just the creepy zombie blonde hair blue eyed babies. Apparently there's rumors that some parents are thinking about plugging in genetic disorders like deafness so their children can be "just like them". Somehow I get the feeling there's going to some deaf kid who's gonna sign his first words with 'Mama... Dada.... A-holes....'

Here the boobs go bouncy bouncy! (NSFW)

1/19

Today I found out that people are training monkeys to help disabled people do stuff like turning pages in books and changing cds and open bottles and stuff like that. Coolio! Plus they're training the monkeys to be 'fighter' monkeys so if the disabled person gets in an argument with someone all they have to do is yell, 'Monkey Go Punchy!' And the monkey will go crazy and jump on the enemys face and go rain blows down on the enemy until they hear 'No More Monkey Punchy!' Then the monkey stops and is also trained to apply ice packs or band-aids if necessary to the defeated person.

Here's some info bout Helping Hands Monkeys...

1/18

Today I found out there's a stereotype out there that isn't true. The stereotype that men drivers are better drivers than women drivers. The truth is there's a much higher chance that some dude will smash up and die in a car crash than a chick doing that. But I'm not sure this really clears up the myth. All this says is that chicks or too chicken to drive way too fast and out of control! Doesn't mean they're 'better' drivers....

Park this friggin car! Took me four crashes then finally like 45 seconds...

1/17

So today the news told me that NASA is thinking about putting an 'Earth Observatory' on the moon. Like a big telescope to spy on our planet like Marvin the Martian or whatever. When they asked a NASA spokesperson when they thought the Earth Observatory would be completed he said, 'Right now it's scheduled for never but we're hoping to cut that down by a year or two. It's definitely high up on the agenda with many other projects that are super not happening ever...'

Why not send a postcard to the International Space Station so the dudes up there can take their minds off the horrible stench for a minute or two...?

1/16

Finally American Idol started tonight and I dug it lots but I feel like Randy Jackson has no right to be mean because he's not good at it. It was a little imbalanced last night. Too much bad. But whatever! As always, this season will have weekly updates on my Idol idoling! Not alot to report tonight except I thought both Simon and Randy's teeth looked alarmingly white. Like crazy super lite brite light glowing bizarre creepy white. Maybe this isn't the greatest way to kickoff my Idol updates but that's what I got tonight...

Here goes Lite Brite online if you wanna see. Super extra boring! Way to go Hasbro! At least this game isn't gonna maim some innocent child!

1/15

So I'm watching the Golden Globes (Jeremy Irons is getting on my nerves big time at this moment. What's with him? Jerk?) Anyway, I noticed that alot of the celebrity dorks are wearing a lapel pin that looks like a jigsaw puzzle piece. I'd never seen it before but I figure they're busy 'raising awareness' for something. So I decided to google around and find out what I'm supposed to be more aware of. It took a while. It ain't easy to google 'puzzle' and 'celebrity' and like 'pin' or whatever without the results being all jumbled up...

But I found out what the lapel pin is for-- so I figure I'd contribute to the awarenessness.

Regarding this post-- someone sent in this email here.

1/14

Sorry bout the last two days of facts not being there. It's Roscoe's fault. He knows why. Anyway, today I learned something! Finally! But ironically (not sure if this ironic. i never really totally understood irony.) TV told me that procrastination is like way worse now than it was 25 years ago. Back then 5% of people considered themselves chronic procrastinators. Now it's like 25%! Because of computers and distractions and stuff. They said people are 'poorer' and 'fatter' because of it the problem. I'm gonna research more about it later.
 

If you're looking to procrastinate on something you can watch Eragon here if you want. Shh... Thanks to movie board peeps for posting!

http://movies.peekvid.com/s4075/e55873/

http://movies.peekvid.com/s4075/e53776/

1/13

Double dribble!

1/12

Ball dropped!

1/11

TV told me today about a big coyote killing that's gonna go down soon. Apparently coyotes kill alot of livestock or whatever so hunter dudes are gonna go out and shoot as many coyotes as they can. Dude who kills the most coyotes? Gets a prize! Cash money! I realize coyotes are a problem for some people but it always irks me when news people say something like, 'These animals trespass on civilian property'-- when we all know it was sorta originally animal property. If we're the dicks in nature I just think we should admit it.

Here goes a dude who shot a kaiyote with a 300 Ultra Mag! Serious firepower! Blam! Take that!

1/10

So I found out that the Roto Rooter company is doing some kind of dopey promotion where they're giving away a 'Pimped-out' toilet. It's got a flat screen TV, iPod dock, TiVo, xBox, beer tap, laptop...all sorts of crap (so to speak).  So you can sit there all day and not be bored. There's even a 'gag' fridge for your hoagies or whatever. Whatever! Seems very coolio!!...(cough) in a very stupid disgustified germed out horrible way.

If you're afraid to make doody in public places here's some help for you.

1/9

So California has launched something called a 'Shift Happens' campaign. Basically they think a big earthquake is coming to Caly at some point so they're teaching people how to bolt crap down so it doesn't land on their heads and ankles. Like that big bookcase needs to be bolted to the wall and the 12-foot wood lizard sculpture tied to a metal pole or whatever so it doesn't swing around and smash you in the butt.

Who knew we had so many earthquakes every day...?

1/8

Tonite I learned that the DEA is sharing information about addresses where they've busted up meth labs. Basically, if there was a meth lab in your neighborhood you can now find out. Meth labs give off toxic fumes or something so they want to let people know where your friendly neighborhood meth lab was located. No, it does not list meth labs that are currently operational. Sorry meth freaks.

Anyway, here's the listing by state.

1/7

So today TV told me that some Japanese dogs are busy getting acupuncture. Serious Japanese dog people who have dogs with back problems or whatever have started sending them to acupuncture. I don't know. It doesn't seem like a brilliant idea to jab a dog with a needle and then expect it to sit still and relax. Whatever. There's a 'dog massage' place around here. I always think the dog masseuses take the dogs into the back-- and tie it to a post then make fun of the owner for an hour.

Here's the "Lang Institute for Canine Massage"

1/6

So today TV told me that GM is finally putting the idea for an electric car back on track. It was in development years ago but big oil decided to mush that idea until they could find out how to get electricity to run on gasoline. But now they've gotten a clue again and are working on something called the Chevy Volt which can go like 40 miles on a charge or something. But don't worry-- if it runs out of juice the floorboards will open up so people can motor their car like Fred Flintstone...

It's actually kind of cool looking. I figured it would look like this... but it looks like this.

1/5

Sorry no daily factoid yesterday. But here's a fun link to mess around with! Here!

1/4

Tonite I heard on TV that people should stay away from black henna tattoos. They showed some little girl that got a dolphin on her lower back (questionable placement, parents.) but whatever-- the dolphin outline never really went away. So the parents are all pumped up to sue everybody and everything. So if you're think about going henna... stay away from the black henna! Or you might be stuck with a Yin/Yang symbol burned forever on your henna-d up buttcheek...

Here's some info and pics widda black henna...

1/3

So tonight some nerd told me that Microsoft Vista is having problems. Like there's weird security flaws and lots of software doesn't run on it and all that. Is it me or has the Vista launch been like super weird. Like, is Vista actually out? Or out in beta still sorta? I don't know anyone who has it or wants it or even knows why they might want it later. I got nothing against Microsoft but between wacked-whatever Vista, who-cares Soapbox, not-as-good-as-google Live Search, dusted X-Box, only-for-showoff-scrotums Tablet, and the thanks-but-no-thanks Zune... something feels bizarrely off over at Microsoft.

Here go the top ten tech flops of 2006...

1/2

Tonight TV showed me a weird looking bird that evolved all wacked out. It's called the Kiwi and they hang out in New Zealand and only come out at night. For whatever reason somewhere along the line they ditched having wings. So they're just like blobby things with beaks. Apparently it makes kiwi sex difficult because the dude kiwi can't like hang on so he keeps rolling off. On top of it they have giant eggs so the female kiwi has to squeeze out an egg that's like super giant sized. In terms of an evolutionary grade the kiwis get a D+.

There goes a picture of a preggers kiwi and here's an animation starring a Kiwi!

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