JANUARY 2005

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1/31

So today I learned a new terminolithing. It's called FOD. And it stands for Foreign Object Damage. At airports there's all sorts of rocks and sticks and crud around. That's FOD. And when FOD gets sucked up into engines it makes for engines to go bad. So it's like a big problem sorta. Yeah. Anyway, I guess it's not the funniest fact, but how psyched will you be when you're at a party and there's some airport tech person there and you're like, 'Hey! How's the FOD situation?' Watch them light up over that question! Then this fact will rock!... umm... so to speak sorta... ba dum bum...

There's officially a website for everything.

1/30

Sorry no fact yesterday. I headed out to NJ to hang with the nephews. But I did learn something from the little one. We were in the supermarket and I was driving him around all wild in the cart like it was a race car (some woman 'shushed' us) that was ew. But anyway we stopped at the milk and there was a cow on one of the carton and the little one said, 'Wanna know something about cows?' And I said ok. And he said, 'Cows drink milk out of their penises.'  

So you learn something new everyday no matter what I guess. You and your herd deserve an udder singe.

1/29

Today TV showed me a new car tire that doesn't need air. It's like got treads like a regular tire but its connected to the rim by like strong rubbery spokes or something. So soon flat tires will be totally obsolete! Replaced by smashed tires that send spokes flying at people on the sidewalk while you skid into a parking meter and then a fire hydrant and then the horn gets jammed and everyone starts yelling at you for having dumb spokey tires.

 ... oh not tires... "tweels". 

1/28

Tonite tv told me about a new supersport that I might be a natural at. It's called 'Gurning'. Bascially you throw your head inside a horse's bridle and make a really f**ked-up face. And the crowd decides which face is most f**kt. I think this sport needs to be the half-time show at the Superbowl. I'd be all over it. It would be the biggest half-time show ever! Why do I always have to think of everything! Dags!

Here's some online gurningers for your viewing pleasure.

1/27

Today I got my daily fact from Jeopardy. Rodan (the artist who created The Thinker) was rejected from fancy schmancy art school named Ecole des Beaux Arts like three times because they thought he sucked or whatever. He went on to do some great things after the rejection. It's always fun to hear about people who got all rejected from stuff to be all successful later on. And not only did Rodan go on to create famous works of art but he went on to bigger things like being a movie star and going mash mash on Japan! Who's laughing now Ecole des Beaux Arts!

Here's some info on the famous artist and city mash masher Rodan.

1/26

I don't care what anyone says. I don't care how popular it is. I don't care how played out it is. I don't care that it's all stupido and so 2002. I don't care that it's repetitive and contrived. I don't care that it's possibly everything that's wrong with everything. I like American Idol. I can't help it. I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry. (By the way, check back here at the end of the season for this prediction. Mario Vasquez is the next American Idol. You heard it here first!)

Here on Ryan Starr's website down on the right she spells writing with two T's. 

1/25

Today I learnt about how all them ancient statues back in the day were probably not just that scary white plastery look. They might have been all painted colory bright but the paint like washed away and all that was left was what was underneath. Which sort of makes sense even though I never thought about it before and neither did alot of smart people who thought they knew all sorts of stuff about that stuff and stuff.

Here's what makes up a sex goddess.

1/22

Am sorry for zer no fact yesterday. The thing happened with the thing and then that other thing came charging in and stood right in front of the television and I was like hey thing move your thingyness so I can see the tv and get a fact but it was like "Grrr! Thing no move! Thing want to play! Thing want to play now! So I had to play with the thing. So don't blame me... blame the thing!

Here's something that shows you how you can dress as thing.

 

1/20

Today I learnt about a mental boar type pig called a Babirusa. It has like tusks but it also has these big canine teeth that grow and grow till they pop out the top of its head -and then sometimes the curve around and grow back into its own head all mental. Then it runs around grunting all mental and piggy and mean and starts fights with other pigs to show who's most mentalest pig and stuff.

Here's a video of a babirusa acting all babirusian.

1/19

Tonite TV told me all about the red crabs on Christmas Island. For the most part they hang out in the woods being all crabby but once a year they'll all trek out of the woods, through town, across the road, across golf courses, parks, and through people's houses to get to the beach. Once there, they have a big beach party crab orgy. Then the female crabbies lay eggs in the surf. Then they all say, 'Phew...' Then they all head back to the forest to wait out the year again. 

Of course where there's a party eventually a party pooper shows up. This time round? Ants. Why? Them crazy ants!

1/18

Today I seen a new sport on tv called 'Finswimming'. It's like swimming but with one big like shark fin on your feets so you swim like a mermaid and stuff. People who finswim can swim like 75% faster then regular feetswimmers they say. One big flipper fin on the feets definitely would have been my idea first if I swam alot with flippers and stuff. So technically in a parallel universe where I live on a waterplanet it was my idea first so I deserve 5% in Planeto Aquoo 9 currency.

Here's finswimmers doing it (dig the music) And regular ol' feetswimmer chicks playing underwater knockhockey or something.. (load slow they do)

1/17

Today TV told me about this jockey named Jimmy Winkfield who rode around back in the early 1900's. Jimmy was a black dude who won back to back Kentucky Derbys back in the day. That pissed off the Klan and they were being dicks so Jimmy headed to Russia where horseracing was cooler. He won races there but then the Russian govt turned into a bunch of dicks so he went to France and won races there. But then the nazis started stomping around being dicks so he headed back to the States and people were still being racist dicks and stuff. And he was like, "Why do people have to be dicks?! Can't I just ride friggin horses superfast and go home?" Anyway today is Jimmy Winkfield day at Aqueduct.

Here goes Jimmy back in the day.

1/16

So I'm watching the Golden Globes and this chick Mishka Hartitay or something gets up for an award and her headlights were way on so I took a picture of her 'globes' (uh huh huh) on the tv. It didn't come out so clear so I wanted to take another picture but the cameraman zoomed in just enough to get her headlights off tv. I'm sick of the friggin FCC paranoia! Damn you Janet Jackson!

Here's the picture of Mishka and her headlights just before they went under. The picture doesn't do em justice.

1/15

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I was running amok in the city all over the place and then came back and gave my apartment a supercleaning and realize I have alot of stuff and started thinking bout having a garage sale when it gets warmer because there's just alot stuff here in my apt. Not sure tho because that's a whole thing.

Here's some tips if you've been thinking bout it too...

1/14

Today I done learnt about a place that is super anti-urban sprawl. This architect dude got fed up with like suburbs and cities stomping all over nature so he built this place Arcosanti in the desert which is all about not stomping all over nature. No cars there. People work with their hands. Zero stress. And as Arcosanti expands it goes up not out and it conserves space so everyone gets sort of mushed in there together. Not for claustrophobic autophiles. 

Autophiles? I wanted a word that meant like 'car enthusiast' and I was like is autophile that word? My vocabulary isn't that big so I wasn't sure. Apparently autophile ain't the right word. Here's what an autophile is about. And here's what Arcosanti is about. 

1/13

Tonite I sat thru a friggin hour long program about the 'Best Bathrooms in Las Vegas'. None were all that impressive to be honest but to save you the trouble of sitting thru it all. The #1 Bathroom in Las Vegas is in Liberace's house. It's so "nice" that people actually get married in it. It's got the shiny with the crystal and with the diamonds and the shiny with the gold and the shiny. 

Sort of like Liberace's watch which now sits on eBay. If you got an extra $155,600 sitting around and a hankering for an glitteroid piano watch. Problem solved! Scroll down there and check out the videos too... 

1/12

Hey no fact today. I just got home from seeing The Aviator and I'm gonna watch Conan and gonna go eat some Fruity Pebbles. But I learnt earlier that Surreal Life on VH1 is friggin awesome and I'm so in on that show for the long haul. Peter Brady. Great. Mini-Me. Great. China Doll. Great. 

Here's some behind the scenes stuff from that there show.

1/11

Tonite I learnt bout polar bear moms. Basically how it works is a polar bear dude tracks them down then they do chang chang. Then he wanders away and does whatever. Then she goes round preggers and eats enough food to gain like 400 lbs. Then she digs a hole in the ground and hibernates in it for a few months. She goes into such a deep sleep that she doesn't even wake up when she gives birth. She wakes up and the baby is just there. Probably a dream situation for most chicks maybe. How would I know... I guess I don't...

Here's some nicey nice polar bear pics.

1/10

I seen on the tv today that some company is selling a 'Go Canadian Kit' which is a t-shirt with the canadian flag and some backpack patches and stuff. The kit is aimed at American travelers who don't want to be harassed somewhere for being an American when abroad. But now canadians are harassing the company because they don't like the idea of americans parading around as canadians. I've been sitting here trying to think of a joke that doesn't completely offend all canadians or completely offend all americans so it was a tie and it cancelled itself out. 

Fortunately there are canadian jokes here. And here are some umm.. amerikan? "jokes".

1/9

Today I watched a show about nanotechnology will eventually be incorporated into soldiers uniforms. The uniform will not only give soldiers superstrength so they can like superpunch or whatever but they'll be able to jump like 40ft in the air and also heal wounds and chameleon camouflage based on the surroundings like Predator sort of or whatever.  Hopefully by the time that they're ready they'll be no more war and they'll have to sell the suits to like Badminton Association and badminton will become the sport of true warriors with spiked exploding fireballs and full contact smashing and we can sit in the crowd and we'd all have cotton candy that purrs when you bite into it.

And guys like this will be the superfighters and stuff.

1/8

Tonite I watched a whole show all about crabs. I found out that crabs are mental and they look weird and they act weird and they have weird eyes and they live weird and they dig holes and they like to bang and they like the water (most of them) and they are scavengers and some of them run real fast and they're from the species bizarro freako.

Here's go a ghost crab freakzoidial crustacean

1/7

Sorry no fact yesterday. I had to deal with the thing involving the going to the place and the running around and stuff. No worries all is well.

If you wanna play Sorry online here ya go.

1/6

Today TV told me about a Nissan car factory somewhere that blasts sonic booms into the air when it looks like it's gonna hail. Apparently big hailstorms have smashed up a bunch of new cars in the past - so Nissan bought this sonicboom cannon that breaks up hail before it can form or something. 

The Cloudly Government of Hail issued a statement that it would handle the Nissan threat by issuing earplugs for all hailstone trainees. However, there is controversy there because the annual Hail budget was blown on all these earplugs before it was made known to the general Hail public that hailstones have no ears.

Klonk!

1/5

Tonite on the local news they threw out a teaser like, 'Can a tsunami happen here?' And told me to stay tuned. And they kept at it with the teasing for like two breaks. Stay tuned! Find out if a tsunami can hit here too! So I stayed tuned. Finally they brought out some 'expert' who said basically, 'Maybe but it's totally unlikely and chances are like... no chance really. But you never know.' Then the news people were like.. there you have it... maybe...you never know...  Stupido news people.

Anyway, here's a tsunami video. Not to make fun at all but when the guy says 'Ay!' it sounds like he might sound if he was looking out his living room window and saw someone about to back into his car... 

1/4

Today I done learnt something has changed in the Senate. Since the days of Tommy 'Long Guff' Jefferson, Senators weren't allowed to refer to each other by name. They'd have to say, 'The gentleman from Missouri... ' or whatever. This was put in place to keep people from giving out personal attacks (like making fun of Tommy's nickname or whatever). Now Senators are free to call each other by name "as long as it doesn't get too personal." Not too personal? Don't hurt my feelings? Don't call me by my name unless you're nice? What grade are these guys in?

Look at all this stuff they gotta talk about... .it's amazing that anything gets done ever...

1/3

Tonite I found out some stuff about Delta Song. It's Delta's Jet Blue basically. They're trying to get people to fly by offering "inflight workouts". Basically you sit in your seat with like stretchy things and little balls or whatever and work out while you're sitting there. Some flight attendantrainer conducts the exercise class or whatever. Sounds good!!... that is if you actually like to work out. If you don't it sounds extra super sucky. Imagine sitting on a five hour flight with some healthy schmuck sitting next to you all grunting and sweating and jerking around and knocking into you and spilling your drink on you and breathing and 'feeling the burn' and stuff. F-that. I'd rather ride on the wing.

 A company has got to really piss you off to go this far... 

1/2

Tonite I was flip flip flipping looking for a fact and I caught the end of a show about Stonehenge. TV said that some dude figured out what all those rocks were about. See back in the day people were mental. They thought that the moon was the most important thing. And priests were like, 'No dude... the sun is just as important as the moon...' And the people got more mental and they were like, 'Don't talk about the moon that way! The sun sucks! Moon is coolest!' So the priests had stonehenge built. At certain times in the month, the rocks framed the sun at a certain point in the sky. Like a picture frame. And it did the same to the moonlight at certain times. And people got less mental about being defensive about the moon and saw it as an equal to the sun. People stared at the stone box of light and felt relaxed about stuff. It was sort of like early-man TV.

Then again some other people just assumed it was about woo-woos.

<<<<<<<<Last years facts here.