JULY 2003



Today I was flipping around and saw on like channel 124 this show called Splatter Factor which was a show all about the sport of Paintball.  I was all psyched to watch it cause this weekend I'm going paintballing upstate somewhere for a friend of mine's bachelor party (no updates over the weekend on the site btw). The fact I learnt today is that one of the best guns... I mean best 'marker' (they didn't call it a gun) is the Tippmann-A5. It can shoot 15 paintballs per second. I think I'm gonna buy a cup for this weekend..

Here's a most excellent list of some most excellent paintball injuries. (I don't know... 5th on the list seems like it should be 1st)


Sorry no fact yesterday but it's not my fault. It's tv's fault. I was sitting there watching it for an hour or so and it done not told me about nothing worth telling you about so don't go all blaming me for no fact. Yell at tv...(make sure tv is turned on when you yell at tv or tv won't hear you)

...then go play some Pacman..


Today I caught the second half of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I thought the show was funny. I didn't see the 'before' of the guy's apartment but it looked nice 'after'.  Then the gay guys were watching the straight guy get ready for a date or something and they all freaked out because while he was shaving he shaved 'against the grain'. I never understood this 'shaving with the grain' thing. I think I must have four grain skin. If I don't shave against the grain then the grain that I didn't shave with doesn't get shaved. I don't understand.

I thought a face was hard to shave. Try a cat's nose...


I found out today that the oldest piece of art on the planet is this thing that they found in Africa and it's like 77,000 years old. 

Can you imagine the cavedude who made it showing it to some other cavedude being like, 'Dude.. check this out.' And other cavedude would look at it and be like, 'Ug Fuhg?' And arty cavedude would be like, 'Well, it doesn't really do anything ... it just...ummm... is.' And other cavedude be like, 'Muh muh Gruh?' And arty cave dude be like, 'Yeah I guess you can use it to hit someone over the head with it but that's not really...' And then the cave dude would grab it and hit arty cave dude over the head with it to make a point ...and then realized that was the point.

 And the rest is history.


I was over at a friends place tonite and we watched Sex and the City. I learnt from that show that pink carnations are something that women may or may not like and that men wearing docksiders or topsiders is something that women may or may not like. I got the message there loud and clear...

Here's a flower quiz for ya. I got 7 right! 


I found out tonite that some australians chow down on kangaroos. I didn't think that eating kangaroos went down down under dere. I figured they just hopped around and did whatever like squirrels do here.

Umm. In searching for a link I found this. (*Don't visit if you think seeing some weird looking dude showing kangaroo guts to primary school kids might disturb you..)


Today the tv taught me about the machines that dig tunnels. I learnt that when they dug the Chunnel that connects France and Britain they started digging at opposite ends and then met in the middle. When they were finally head-to-head they couldn't just throw the machines into reverse and back them out. So they turned them sideways, had them dig a hole in the sidewall, and then sealed them up in the forever. Sucks being a machine. No ribbons. No new paint job. No champagne. Just sealed up in a friggin wall after digging yer ass off for years. No wonder they're planning to take over...

Here's a new version of Dig Dug that kinda sucks and the original... uh.... manual.


The year: 1942. The place: Los Angeles. The situation: A huge unidentified flying object hovered over Los Angeles. The reaction: Air-raid alarms blared and the army fired a couple thousand anti-aircraft shells at the object over the city. The attack lasted a half-hour. The result: Homes and buildings destroyed. People killed. Hysteria. The theory: A UFO stopped by to visit. And we immediately attacked it. The message to the aliens: We're not very nice. 

Here's some more info on The Battle of Los Angeles.


Today I done learnt more about the Mayans. They really were into doing stuff with blood cause they believed that human blood had this like universal energy and if you like bleed all over something you can give it energy and the gods would appreciate it or something. I guess I can see that. What I can't see was why the mayans would get the blood by piercing their own penises with stingray spines and bleeding all over stuff with their penis blood. 

Mayans were like the original Fear Factor.


I watched this show about bacteria and fleas and tapeworms and awful stuff tonite. Fleas are gross. Tapeworms are grosser. And I got grossed out. So I flipped the channel and watched these hippies in Sonoma. They were doing a prayer circle thing and everyone got like smoked up with like a bundle wand of burning sage. Supposedly sage has this like purifying power or something. Or cleansing or whatever. Anyway, that sage smoke ritual thing is called 'smudging'.  Which is a weird name for it because 'smudge' sounds like messy messy not like cleany clean.

This chick digs her smudge.


Tonite the tv told me about chronic fatigue syndrome. In the past, some dude with chronic fatigue have had a tough time like extra- cause other dude would be like, 'Dude! That whole chronic fatigue thing is in your head!' And the CFS dude would be like, 'Dude, I'm seriously fatigued for reals.. don't tell me it's in my head, dude!' And other dude would be like, 'Dude cut the crap with the chronic fatigue thang... whatever with that, dude.' But now doctor dudes have identified chemical imbalances that are consistent with dudes (and chicks) with CFS and identified genes or whatever. So now CFS dude is like, 'See dude! See!? Doctor dude came thru! Now get the hell out of my house... you tired me out with your doubt, dude!'

Googleing it turned up a huge amount of stuff on this thang. So I guess lots of people got this. Including the chick who wrote Seabiscuit..


Today I watched a show about parrots and parrots looked cool. They looked kinda smart for dumb birds and for a second I thought maybe one of these macaw birds would maybe make a groovy pet. I thought maybe it would be kinda cool. I could teach it curse words or whatever. Then the guy on tv told me that macaws can live for like 80 years. And that seemed like a pretty serious commitment for something that I wasn't even remotely serious about in the first place.

Maybe they'll not all that dumb. This one got his own website and stuff.


I seen on the tv tonite that there's this thing called transplant memories. Basically people who get like transplanted organs or whatever sometimes seem to inherit memories from the donor. Like they have weird visions and emotions that match up. Like this one 47 year old construction worker dude got a heart transplant and soon after started humming classical tunes and really getting into classical music. He later found out that his donor was a classical musician. That type o weirdness is called 'cellular memories.'

Here's a whole bunch of them weirdnesses.


The TV told me about how 125,000 years ago Anguilla was ruled by giant rats. Not rats as big as cats. Nor as big as dogs. Rats as big as bears. It's sciencey name was 'Amblyrhiza'. No one knows how it got to the island in the first place. Nor where it went. Probably extinct. If not extinct then maybe underground gaining super intelligence and growing even larger to prepare for an all out invasion. But more likely extinct...

The cave where the rats were discovered is right down the street from Uncle Ernies.


Today on ESPN5209 or something I watched the Swimming and Diving Championships in Barcelona. The event that I saw was kinda like synchronized swimming but with only one person in the pool. Not sure what you call it. Like the chick would stick her legs out of the water and spin around. Then like do stuff with her arms. Then pose. 

Two suggestions to make this sport more exciting: One: Dye the water pitch black and paint the swimmers with like glow paint and light the place with a black lights so it's trippy. Two: Spectators are allowed to throw wet multicolored neon sponges at the swimmers as they do stuff and if you hit the swimmer and mess up their routine... you get a free beer. 

Doing a search for this event I found out that you can sports gamble on swimming. Message to people who bet on swimming events: You have a gambling problem.


I found out the galaxy that is closest to ours is called Andromeda and it's really far away. Like far enough away that if we traveled at the speed of light in like a supersouped speed of light rocket it would still take over two million years to get there. What's up with that? How can we ever get to Andromeda? And how does the Enterprise zoom all around all over galaxies and stuff? Is it all fake? How fast can 'warp speed' be? 

This guy has given it some thought...


TV showed me the best place to go if I ever get the desire to go shoot me some elks. Three Forks Ranch in Wyoming. You can hunt with big guns and they have an extended huntin season on their 38,000 acres. Because Three Forks has an agreement with the state for a wildlife preservation program they get certain benefits when it comes to hunting on the property. It's always sort of weird when the terms 'wildlife preservation' and 'hunting' go hand in hand-- but it beats condos and a shopping center getting built there instead so whatever with that...

Here go Three Forks Ranch..


Today I learnt about the rare white dolphin. It's weird that it's called a white dolphin because it's pink. It's weird that it's a pink dolphin ...cause it's pink. Anyway they're busy dying off in Hong Kong harbor which is their home. Hong Kong harbor is a place that has commercial fishing, serious shipping traffic, raw sewage dumps and other pollutants as well as an airport that they built in a 'land reclamation' project. Sounds like it's time for the white dolphins to move maybe...?

Here's a link to a chinese site about them. Couldn't tell if it pro-dolphin or con. Starts off promising. Then scroll down... then not so sure..


Sorry no fact yesterday. I didn't like TV yesterday. And TV didn't like me. Words were exchanged. Some things we said that we both regret. Everything is ok now but it took all day to sort it out.

Here's Creepy Clown's Gallery for no related reason.


The TV showed me stuff with the 'running of the bulls' in Pamplona, Spain. I found out that after the big bulls run the streets there's like a little arena where people can run around with the baby bulls and get bucked around or whatever 'for fun'. The rule is you're not allowed to touch a baby bull intentionally. The guy on tv said sometimes some jerk (let's face it... probably an american) tries to ride the baby bull like a horse. If this happens it's tradition that that person be taken off the baby bull, brought over to side of the arena and beaten up. 

Let's all get naked and protest!


Tonite on the tv I seen some swamp bird called a 'dikup' or something. I couldn't find out how to spell it. (If anyone knows the 'dikup' bird that hangs out around swamps let me know.) Anyway mama dikup had these baby dikups and this alligator came out of the swamp and started eyeballing the baby dikups. So mama dikup goes off to the side and pretends she has a broken wing and starts flopping around all pretend hurt. The alligator stops going after the chicks and goes after the mama. After luring the gator away, mama bird just flew off. Alligator forgot about stuff and just wandered away. Dikup smart. Gator dumb.

When I did a search for swamp bird I found this weirdness. The internet is weird.


I found out tonite that Canada straight out dominates internationally in professional wheelchair basketball on both the mens and womens teams. They recently took both the American teams to the hoop and won the North American Cup.. What's up US teams? Y'all can't be letting Canada all serve us up that way! Practice up! Dags! 

They even got the 'Michael Jordan' of the sport. This chick named Chantal Benoit


Today on Antiques Roadshow this nice old lady brought in a teapot that looked like a teepee. She paid $40 for it. The old lady bought it in a thrift shop. It was made by this woman Clarice Cliff who apparently is well known in the ceramics world. The British roadshow guy who was looking it over talked about how Clarice Cliff Teepee Teapots are very valuable (this one was worth like $1000) But they often contain an indian curse. The old lady looked surprised. The british guy talked about how it's just a silly myth that's been around forever.  But he seemed really fascinated by the teapot. Like distracted by it. He opened up the lid and sniffed inside. 

He continued to go on and on about Clarice Cliff. But something seemed to be getting weird about him. It became difficult to understand what he was saying. Like he was tripping over his words and all slurry stuff. Then he opened the lid again and inhaled really deep. As soon as he did that a shock of blue veins ran up the side of his neck and half onto his face and his eyes rolled up in his head. He started coughing hard and pushed himself away from the table. It seemed like he was having a hard time breathing. He was like clawing at his throat and making weird gurgily noises. People ran over to help him by like loosening his tie and someone shouted call 911!  The blue veins seemed to be multiplying like a spiderweb all over his face. And he started vibrating. Then he fell out of his chair and curled up in a tight ball but still sorta vibrating. It seemed he was trying to contain something by curling up really tight. Then he screamed and sprang out of his ball. Legs and arms flew as wide apart as they could go. Then he didn't move again. Splayed flat on his back, the flood of veins receded and his eyes slowly closed. And then... he was gone. And it was dead silence for like 10 seconds. Finally someone yelled, 'Where is that goddamn ambulance!?" 

Nobody seemed to notice that the nice old lady had a slight smile on her face. She nodded once. Then picked up her teapot and walked away.

Here's some more information about Clarice Cliff.

*update I realized later that i watched this show wrong and everything about the teapot is true except for the curse and what happened to the guy.


I found out tonite that the ancient Mayans used to freak out during eclipses and do human sacrifices to appease the gods and ask them to bring back the sun. Makes me wonder if the person about to be sacrificed was like, 'Dudes! Hold up hold up hold up... Can we wait this out like a just couple minutes. If the sun doesn't come back then let's get on with it but let's be a little patien.... Hey! Look! I think I see some sun! Don't look at it though you'll burn your eyes! But trust me on this one. Yep I definitely see a sliver. Phew! Oh my eyes hurt! Ok gods are happy. .. Let's uh... cut me down, huh?'

These Mayans were kooky smart or hung out with aliens or something...


Today me done learnt all about the X-Prize. It's a contest where whoever can build a spaceship that can carry three people into space and back- twice in 2 weeks will win $10,000,000. Sounds kinda cool. But who the hell is going trust riding in these ships that are like built by dudes who are taking a break from building crap for Robot Wars?

Ok maybe they're not that bad but I still ain't riding in one. Here's a team list...


I found out today that during WWII the Russian Red Army had 2000 women snipers shooting at nazis. The reason why they thought it was a good idea to bring the women on as snipers is they had something some of the men seemed to lack.... Patience.

Here's a foreign fishing game that will test your patience. (figuring out how to play is the first test). My guess: Guys can play it for hours on end.. Girls... maybe 15-20 seconds max.. Patience is all perspective. (also don't catch are shark... or else!)


Today I watched a show called Animal Cops (it's like Cops but Animal Cops) and found out about illegal pitbull fighting in Michigan. Apparently stupid dickheaded losers train pitbulls to fight and then betting on the matches.  A felony in Michigan.  To train the dogs they let them attack chickens and whatever. The animal cops busted this dude who had some pitbulls and a rooster. The animal cop guy said, "We got the rooster out of the situation..." but sadly the dogs had to be put to sleep.. 

I'm scared of pitbulls but this person says don't believe the hype... 


Tonite I half-drunk watched a show about the tides. I found out that oceanographer dudes get all excited when a cargo ship get caught in a storm and loses stuff overboard. Because if they can pinpoint where stuff went overboard they can track ocean currents based on where stuff gets washed up. Like this one boat lost a bunch of golf shoes. So they drew current maps and stuff based on where the golf shoes washed up. Which makes them happy cause they're still not sure about how the oceans flow.

Here's how you make the drink El Nino. Real time data about El Nino. And an interview with El Nino.

(oh and if you're thinking about what I said yesterday about this being going to be the greatest fact in the history of tv facts. and thinking like... well, this fact wasn't so great. in fact it half-sucked! well i said i liked working under pressure. i didn't say i was particulary good at it.. plus i'm half drunk..)


Sorry I spaced on a fact today. I'll make up for it tomorrow with the greatest TV fact in the history of all tv facts! (i like working under pressure)...


Today I done watched a show about baseball and this old footage interview talked about this pitcher Bob Feller and how Feller was a deceptive pitcher and good at that and lasted a long time because he kept in good shape. I've always had a closeness with Bob Feller cause back in elementary school I had to write a report about him. So everytime he's mentioned I feel like I have a special something with Feller because I did a school report about him back in the day. Along with Feller I have a special somethings with oregano, Chester A. Arthur, and plutonium. 

Not that I remember really anything about any of em. Especially good ol' Chester A..


I found out today that this artist dude named Christo is planning to do something to Central Park. Christo has done weird crap like wrapping buildings in sheets or like throwing thousands of umbrellas all over the countryside in China or something. For Central Park he's going to put up like big orange sheets up all over the place. He says the reason for it is no reason at all. It'll cost em $20 million bucks to do the thing with the orange sheets. Seems kinda cool. But can't they do it for $19 million and give me $1 million... as like an.. um... art thing for no reason..um... too?

Here's a look at their 20 million (hopefully 19 million dollar) project.


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