JUNE 2004

6/30

Tonite I saw a bug on tv. It was a really strong bug. It was called the rhinoceros beetle. The guy on tv said that if I was as strong as a rhinoceros beetle I could pick up a tank over my head. The man on tv said that weight for weight the rhinoceros beetle was the strongest thing on earth. I thought that was pretty cool... considering that if there was a rhinoceros beetle in my house I could smush it splat. 

(even though i'm sort puss with bugs and i'd probably trap it and set it free because i think god would hate me if i smush for no reason. however if a bug crawls on me then it gets the smush or the spritz! right away. windex. pledge. whatever I have handy. that's the rules in my house. wander around. no problem. you get thrown out the window. crawl on me? SMUSH! or spritz! unless you're a roach which immediately get the spritz of death regardless. god will have to forgive me for that. they're gross. he probably spritzes or smushes them in his house too. ps. spiders have a permanent 'get out of smush free' card.)

Then again I'm not even sure I could smush this thing.

6/29

I found out tonite how to fool a breathalyzer test if you're going around drunk driving. Some people think if you stick pennies in your mouth that you'll be able to pass. But then you'll just flunk with pennies in your mouth. Some others might think that mouthwash or mints might fool the test but nay. Then you're just a drunk with good breath. The truth of it is if you're drunk you're a drunk ass drunk who shouldn't be driving. Done and done. No foolin.

Hopefully Laura drove.

6/28

I found out tonite that there is going to be women's wrestling at the Olympics this year! Frickin psyched! Not sure why! But friggin psyched! I think this should be the most watched part of the whole dealio... that is if the greeks can stop drinking ouzo and pull it together to put up a stadium or whatever. 

Here's some pictures of some ladies wrestling. And here's some pictures of the new Olympic stadium in its current state.

6/27

Tonite I found out about how monkeys are helping people (finally! lazy monkeys...) There's a service called Helping Hands which trains monkeys to help quadriplegics. The monkeys will like help pick up stuff if it falls on the ground or turn on lights and run around and do things. It's about time monkeys started doing something to earn their fair share. This ain't a free ride anymore ya monkeys! Ya hear? We ain't gonna stand for you just sitting around the zoo tugging yer wangs and hucking feces! No more mooching off the system! It stops now! You hear me monkeys! Get to work! Chop chop!

And finish writing Shakespeare ya banana loafers!

6/26

TV showed me that the japanese are coming out with a new cellphone that you wear on your wrist and when you want to answer the phone you click your middle finger to your palm and then stick a finger in your ear. Somehow the sound vibrations travel through the bones in your hand or something and zams right into your ear. If you want to listen in stereo just wear one on each wrist and stick a finger in each ear. Then when you say, 'Can you hear me now?' It'll look extra crazy.

Here goes the 'FingerWhisper' coming soon to a store near you never ever.

6/25

TV told me about the first automatic car wash and how it worked. TV said the car wash was in Detroit and at a place called Paul's Car Wash. TV said that the way it worked is they would hook a big chain to the chrome bumper of the car and drag it through the car wash. Once auto makers started skimping on the bumpers they had to change that system cause it would rip the whole bumper off the car and stuff. 

Like this.

6/24

Tonite I found out about this way coolio invention! It's called the Audio Spotlight! Basically it's a thing where you can transmit sound like a beam of light! Imagine like a spotlight but with sound! Take the spotlight off the person! It's all quiet! Put it on them! Big sound! This is great! It can be used for so many things!! Like it can be used for......! umm... wait...  it can be used for... umm.... Oh well. Maybe it's not that cool.

Here it goes if you wanna check it on out.

6/23

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. All the channels on tv were all reruns all day long.

Some people think TV is evil altogether. Evil?! Can something that takes up so much of my time and tell me my opinions about stuff be evil?! Feh!

6/22

Tonite I found out what dude has had the most children ever in recorded history. This guy in Morocco named Ishmael the Bloodthirsty was a king or whatever. He had four wives and over 500 concubines. Apparently over time he was the dad to 888 children. According to tv, statistically and taking all factors into consideration, he would had to have to banged 4.3 women per day for over 40 years or so. Nice!

Here's a re-enactment of I the B. (one of my net all-time faves)

6/21

TV told me tonite about the fastest legal street car in America. It's called the S7 and it's made by this company out in California called Saleen. It tops out at like 200MPH and costs around $400,000. There's apparently a waitlist around the corner for these kooky cars. They're apparently all the rage for the extremely rich, bored and insecure.

You'd figure with the Saleen people making all that money they could buy themselves a website that doesn't look like it was made by a 14 year old kid in a webdesign class..

6/20

Tonite I found out who is the Hollerin' champeen at the 36th annual National Hollerin' Contest. Kevin Jasper! The annual event takes place at Spivey's Corner, North Carolina which has a population of about 50 people. Congrats to Kevin on his excellent hollerin! It's weird to think about how in some small part of the world today. In a little place somewhere. People gathered for a hollerin' contest. Tis kinda weird. 

Here's a hollerin rendition of Amazing Grace.

6/19

I found out tonite that people are buying up hybrid cars like crazy. Right now Toyota has 22,000 Prius cars on backorder. I guess it's coolio that people are getting on board with the hybrid thing cause that seems smart. Of course because they're in such high demand some dealerships are busy tacking on $5000 service charges and doing scammy crap like that. All the car manufacturers are gearing up to have 2005 be the year of the hybrid -so put on your media helmet and get ready to get clobbered with commercials.

Check out all of em on eBay. Weird. Weird that people buy cars on eBay.

6/18

Ok technically I didn't get this fact on 6/18. I got it on the morning of 6/19. I was watching my little tv in the kitchen and making coffay and I found out there's an ugly dog contest going on out in the west coast somewhere. Ugly Dog Contest? Isn't this animal cruelty? To take your buttugly dog who is so buttugly that you think it should be in a contest of ugly? How do these people think that makes their dog feel? Dogs all assume they're cute!. And then boom you slap an ugly ribbon on it and call it king or queen of all the uggo dogs? Emotional animal cruelty I say!

Eh. Maybe not... Announcing Odd Todd's First Annual Friggin Uggo Pet Contest! Send in your uggo pet photo today! Details to come.

(if you feel like making a banner for the homepage... feel free! 364x40!)

6/17

Tonite I watched a show about laughter and the origin of laughter and all that. I learnt on the show that when the average person is 5 years old they laugh 250 times a day but when people grow up that drops down to like 15 times a day which doesn't seem too bad. I've actually thought alot about what caused the first laugh. I've narrowed it down to either someone falling on their head or a big loud fart. Not sure yet...

Here's farty. Here's fally

6/16

I seen on the tv today that some japanese dude invented a jacket with fans on the inside which keep you cool as you walk around. At first it sounded kinda cool but then I was like... If it's so friggin hot out... why the hell would you be wearing a jacket at all?! Or maybe I'm missing the point... I often do.

No explanation necessary because there is none to be had.

6/15

I found out the new thing in NYC (maybe it's the new thing all over. I dunno. What do I know. I learn everything from the friggin tv). Anyway, the new new thing is expecting parents are starting their picture taking while the kid is still in the womb. Like not for medical reasons or whatever. For show. So now instead of documenting stuff like 'first step' or 'first tooth' parents can start earlier and do stuff like 'first fist' and 'first weird old man squint face' or 'first view of wang or woo woo'. Or whatever. One thing I know. Me no likey fetus fotos.

Weirdness...

6/14

Tonite on Kimmel I found out tonite that some dude out in Denver ran around town breaking into cars and then setting them on fire. You gotta wonder about someone who would go and do something like that. What kind of person wakes up in the morning and says, 'You know what? Today I think I'm gonna run around town and set cars on fire. That sounds like a plan!' Who thinks like that?!

Oh this dope does..

6/13

I found out on some show tonite that Ruff Ryders record label (think DMX) just signed a new rapper who happens to be a chinese guy. His name is Jin. He's a good rapper but Jin said he eventually wants to move past the 'rap game' and get some of that 'hollywood money' doing TV first like 'fresh prince of chinatown' and then do movies. So keep an eye on Jin...

Here's his video for Learn Chinese.

6/12

TV told me stuff about the rainforest today. There was good news and bad news. The bad news is that they are still destroying the rainforest at a pace of 7 football fields a minute. The good news is the greedmongers are finding new ways to exploit the rainforest without destroying it. Recently they found out that there's this plant that produces a fruit or something called "cupuacu" that can be made into yummy caffeine free chocolate. Now they're preserving that area to make cash off the fruit.

Also instead of fighting to hold onto the land, the fight is now only to hold onto the rights of the things that grow on the land- which I guess is an improvement.

6/11

Today the tv told me all about the Angola State Prison Rodeo. Apparently down in Louisiana (pronounced Louisiana) there's this annual rodeo where the prisoners ride bulls and stuff. Most of em have no experience at that stuff. They also do this thing called "Convict Poker" where four dudes sit around a table in the ring. They have to keep their hands flat on the table. Then a wild bull out charges at them. The last one at the table wins like $100-150.  Here's how that looks:

 

And here's some clips of some old Angola Prison work songs. Not exactly 'Don't Worry Be Happy'..

6/10

Tonite I was watching Jay Leno and he told me that some survey found out that unemployed people get more sex than people who make alot of monay. He said basically there's no link between monay and sex or something. Coolio! Except I have no monay and no sex and I'm sorta of unemployedidly employed or something. So i'm like totally screwed somehow. Or not. Or something. I dunno. It's Thursday night and I'm home watching friggin Jay Leno- I know I'm doing something wrong.

Here's some sex stats for ya.

6/9

Tonite I found out about a super nerdy invention for tourists. It's a language translator camera system for your PDA. Basically, let's say you're in France and you see a sign that says 'Merd du Tete!' And you want to know what it means. You whip out your PDA with the camera adapter and you take a picture of the sign. Then you wirelessly transmit the photo somewhere and the program will read the words in the photo and will translate it for you. So in no time you'll find out that you're a 'shithead' in France. 

Here go my website in francais!

6/8

I seen on tv some nerds today and they told me that the universe is expanding and other galaxies are moving further and further away from us. Eventually everything will be so far away that we won't be able to see stars in the sky no more. But that's ok because one nerd (aka me) predicted that eventually the Earth will be enclosed in a giant bubble forcefield and rockets will be strapped to both poles and we'll be able to turn the whole planet into a giant spaceship and travel to other galaxies and say hi to cool aliens. So we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Oil on Mars?

6/7

I'm either officially more dumber or something because tonite not only was I watching a dopey "reality" show called For Love or Money but I couldn't even figure it out. I was surfing the net and have a tv next to my head so I guess I was only halfwatching but to me it sounded like this... 

'In the box there are these checks all the checks are blank and one is blank with a million dollars and you each have a ring some of you get to keep the rings but then there are these boxes and in the boxes there are these hearts if you have the golden heart you get to pick people to not go on the date but those people get to go on the dinner date only after they've each written a poem...'

I wouldn't be surprised if it came out of here...

6/6

I found out that there are these alligators living in the middle of the sahara desert. They're like all prehistoric and stuff and basically as the desert dried up they just kept following the water and now all that's left is this little oasis pool type thing in the middle of miles of sand. That's where they're stuck now. There's only five of em left. Sorta weird that they got all trapped that way. So the conservationists decided it was pretty much the end of the road for them- so they shot em dead and made cool boots and belts from their skins. The end.

Just kidding. They're ok and hanging in there waiting for rain.

--

-Hey kids! We're going on vacation! 

-Yea! Disneyland!? Disneyland?!

Umm. ..well no.  Not exactly.

6/5

Sorry no fact yesterday. I headed out of the city and got back late and was sorta zonked and tv sucked. Speaking of zonk.

I was looking for a random link and found this which sort of made things easier.

6/4

I found out tonite that the Department of Defense has a serious credit card problem. Seems like everyone in the DOD has a government credit card and people run around buying non-government stuff like internet porn and engagement rings and Coach bags and Elvis photos and all sorts of crap. One chick spent 12k on personal stuff on her DOD card.... and she ended up getting promoted. Last year they reported they misplaced over a trillion dollars... umm.. somewhere. Partytime DOD style!

Hi! I'm Stephen Cambone! I'm the Under Secretary of Defense for Intelligence! My friends call me 'Boner!' My porn collection is organized by genre and alphabetized. Guess what? I'm not wearing any pants right now! Look at my hair! Isn't it neato? I took me a while to get it just right!  I like fish! Here's my website!

6/3

I found out today that my childhood amusement park, Rye Playland, is boosting up their safety standards on some rides due to a recent tragic accident. When I was a kid that place was like half falling apart even then. I remember once I went on a ride called the Monster Mouse which was this ultra-rickety ride that had regular seatbelts like on a airplane- and you were responsible to buckle them yourself. I was like 10. Once mine wasn't clicking in and the ride started. I was like, 'Hey!' But it was too late. We were going up the big hill and I was like click click click seatbelt ! C'mon C'MON click! The ride had major hard sharp turns and dips. I was scared. And just as I got to the top..... It clicked in. I was like, 'Phew..'I think they tore down the horrible Monster Mouse soon after...

Or did they just move it? I hope not..

6/2

I found out that some political dorks in New Jersey are working to ban 'Ladies Night' from all bars. They're claiming it's discriminatory or whatever. They think that everyone should pay the same for a drink or cover charge or whatever. They also think that Air Supply should be the only music played in all bars and that people should all wear beige to avoid confusion. They also would like to restrict everyone to a two drink maximum and limit ice cubes to 4 per glass. All drinks will be screwdrivers. 

Here's some dumb Jersey laws..

6/1

Tonite I saw a show about rhinos and found out how rhinos do it. Rhinos have really bad vision so the males have to find mates by their sense of smell. What happens is the female pees on the ground and the male rhino is like, 'Ooh! I smell pee!' So they go off and look for the pee-er. When he finds the female she has really bad vision too so she gets defensive and attacks the male rhino. Then once she sees that he's a rhino she runs away from him for like 2 days straight. And he follows right behind her for two days straight. She's like testing to make sure he can keep up. Once that's proven then they do it. Rhinostyle.

Sometimes rhinos have bad vision and bad sense of smell then you get this type situation.

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