JUNE 2005



Today I learnt that I missed the opportunity to have my name crushed into the surface of a comet. Apparently there's some program thing called Deep Impact where the space nerds are gonna smash something into a comet to see how well it smashes up or something and then we can find out the origin of the universe. Sounds like one of those, 'Wouldn't it be awesome if we smashed something into something...' and then they'll figure out the science later.

Anyway here's the Send Your Name thing along with some video of deep impact stuff to gander at...


Ok I dropped the ball two days in a row on daily facts but it's not my fault. I took Roscoe to the dog park and it started raining and he was wrestling with other dogs and ended up muddy and gross and someone told me there was a doggie dog wash around the corner where you can hose your dog down and shampoo him and stuff. So I took him there and there's these like stalls and I hookd him up and sprayed him down and he hated it because it was very obvious to him that he wasn't the boss at all and he held a grudge against me all day. And that's my excuse for not having a fact and I'm sticking to it.

Not sure why a kid is in there...


Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I actually was up late night watching a show called Max Exposure or something. Which was weird because they were like goofing on tragic news videos. Like plane crashes and fire. Dude was making jokes about it sort of and they'd plug in sound effects. Like if some guy got hit on the head with a brick during a riot they'd play the 'Bonk!' noise. And do it three times in slow motion with the bonk noise three times. That's what goes on on 3AM on TV in case you were wondering...

Ah where's Uncle Floyd when we need him most...


So tonite TV told me the story of Little Frog and Tarantula Mom.

Once upon a time Little Frog was hopping around and looking for ants to eat. Ants were hard to find and Little Frog was very hungry. He decided to duck into a hole in the ground and see if there were ants down there. Little Frog took a look around and saw the hole was filled with tarantula eggs! He was in a tarantula nest! Tarantula's eat frogs! He was about to run away but then Little Frog saw that there were yummy ants crawling all over the eggs. Little frog was scared that Tarantula Mom was going to come home and he didn't want to be eaten by Tarantula Mom. But there were all those yummy ants to eat! So Little Frog decided to scarf down some ants quickly and hope Tarantula Mom wouldn't come home and find him and eat him up. But the Tarantula Mom did come home! And she saw Little Frog sitting right next to her all the tarantula eggs eating ants! But the Tarantula Mom didn't eat the Little Frog. Tarantula Mom was happy that the Little Frog was cleaning out her nest by eating all the ants. Also the eggs were happy not to have ants all over them. Tarantula Mom was happy about that too. Little Frog was happy to eat the ants. So Tarantula Mom and Little Frog decided to be roommates.

And they lived happily ever after. The End

True story. Here's some terrible frogger action for ya.


Even though I think I reported this a while back I saw it on 60 Minutes tonite and they talked about it smore. Mike Wallace told me that dogs are really good at detecting certain types of cancer. They tested em and stuff. It's like every time your dog sniffs you up it's like doing like a doggie tricorder reading. Like one woman talked about how a dog kept sniffing at a mole on her leg and she got it checked out and it was cancer or whatever. Which is pretty coolio. Except now when Roscoe starts sniffing at me it's gonna totally set off my hypochondria and stuff...

Hey! Visit dognose heaven!


Today tv showed me what they're busy building down at Disney World. It's a rollercoaster set into the side of a man-made mountain. It's supposed to be like riding a rollercoaster up and through Mt. Everest. They'll be a Giant Yeti in there too that will rip the head off one lucky rider who will then be able to sue Disney for his new headlessness. It's sort of like a legal lottery type deal. Sounds coolio! (except for the whole killer yeti thing)

Here's the original Micky Mouse ...and the original Epcot idea.


Tonite I found out that PacMan is turning 25 years old this month. Sorta weird to think about little me playing that game way back in the day. Frustrated because I couldn't memorize the patterns like the other kids. Upset because the high score board seemed so out of reach. Maddened at night by hearing the wakawaka in my ears and seeing the board on the back of my eyelids at night. And scrounging for home gaming by playing the disappointing KC Munchkins on Odyssey at my friend Jayson's house. 

Here's a place to go all old school, you oldie oldsters! And here of course is some original PacMan.


Last night TV told me that in Iran you're not allowed to blog freely. Apparently blogging is a threat to their national security so they've sort of blocked some of them or something. The gov't says their people are not allowed to write certain words like 'Freedom' or 'Democracy' or 'Macho' or 'Boner' or 'Boobies' or 'Booger' or 'Snapple' or 'Yarmulke' or 'Wyoming' or 'Wangwang' or 'Thing' or 'Tubular' or 'Fritos' or 'Omelette' or 'Fart' or 'Omelette fart' or 'Frito fart' or 'Big fart.'

Nerdly blog artiste here.


Tonite TV teased me today because I missed something locally cool. Apparently the stupids at Snapple thought it would be a really good promo to build a giant popsicle right in the middle of Union Square here in nyc. Problem being, the stupids at Snapple didn't think it through and the thing melted all over the place and people slipped and fell in it and bicyclists wiped out while going by it and some lady went to the hospital (ahem... ka-ching). I can hear the stupid promo people spinning it now-- talking about how they're getting more press than ever for being stupid... acting like it was the stupid plan all along to do something so super stupid and bragging about how it worked out so stupidly well. Maybe it did...

Here's a link to some stupid photos of the stupido.


Sorry no fact yesterday. Roscoe demanded the tv attention. But this morning I was watching some Regis and Kelli and they had this dude on called Mr. Doublespeak who was sort of 'entertaining' technically (actually is pretty funny). Good TV fact coming later today. Until then check out Mr. Doublespeak screwing around with AT&T doublespeaking dorks.


Tonite on tv I saw something that I wish I hadn't seen. These reporters on CNN were going around testing their work places for the grossness factor. How much bacteria or whatever is hanging around and all that. It turns out that bathroom is not the most gross. There's like 1000 times more bacteria on the average elevator button per sq. inch than an toilet seat per square inch. The breakroom sponge was the grossest of everything. Then the reporters also barged into Anderson Cooper's office and tested his stuff. Turns out Anderson Cooper is apparently gross. His office was disgusting and covered with bacteria. So all you chicks who think he's all cute... yeah...well... he's corrodefied.

This person won't be happy to find out that Anderson is gross...


Today TV told me that were starting to work on taking war into outerspace. We're gonna work up some attack satellites and some space mines and maybe even get some e-bomb type things that will short out enemy... ships? I think we're really putting the cart before the horse with this one. First how bout we find out who's out there before we try and kill em dead. Think about how stupid we'll feel when we start shooting lasers at an intelligent gas or blast nukes at bug creatures that feed on nuclear energy. (Plus realistically we all know that when we discover life outside of earth it'll be some disappointing paramecium thing that sucks and can't even think straight.)

Anyway, they've already started. Here's a bully satellite that's already in space. It's purpose is to beat up other satellites... (even tho the gov't denies it.)


Tonite I found out that America spent $2.8 billion dollars to build some superdestructo laser that can simulate a hydrogen bomb explosion. Sort of like Death Star type of destructafication. Sounds like some gov't geeks got a boner over the idea of blowing up something laser style. But now they're cutting the budget and they won't be able to finish building the superdestructo laser. Fruckin-A! If the government wanted someone to build a superdestructo laser that doesn't do a damn thing I woulda done it on the cheap for $50 by simply using a magnifying glass, cardboard, some twine, and a toy raygun (for the sound effects).

Apparently $2.8 billion dollars can't even buy the government a decent website these days. Look at this junker for the superdestructo laser.


So tonite I watched some Dancing with the Stars on ABC. It's just like Circus of the Stars except with dancing instead of circus. Anyway, the dope announcer told me that the tango is a dance between a cowboy and a "showgirl" but according to my internet research it's not really a 'showgirl'... its a prostitute. I guess hooker-talk is off limits on ABC even if it is based in fact or whatever. In the original tango, the final move is to actually put the girl down on the floor and then totally do it with her in front of everyone. Over time that particular move was worked out of the dance.

And if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you...


Today the TV told me that I will generate 3 tons of electronic garbage in my lifetime. Three tons?! If I look around in here I guess I can add up the atari and atari cartridges and the 3 broken tv sets and the garbagey mobile phones and the junky iPod (I've grown to dislike it all over again) and the two dead crap Dell computers (fyi: dell sucks now. don't buy dell.) that are now doorstops... yeah... I guess it could get up to 3 tons or so. Actually I might not be that far away already. I gotta get my tag sale going...

Anyway, here's a metal brit dude made out of 3 tons of electronic crap.


Today I watched Michael Jackson stuff all day. But at one point the news people ran some other news and mentioned something about the fact that they discovered A NEW PLANET OUTSIDE OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM THAT REVOLVES AROUND A SUN SIMILAR TO OUR OWN. But then it was back to MJ. MJ all day. I know we were all a little disappointed there was no big OJ run. It was pre-hyped that way for sure. Before MJ got to court the newscaster hyped it by saying stupid crap like, 'We can't confirm that Michael Jackson is actually in the vehicle on the way to court. He could be off in another direction right now...' Tease. Jerk.

Anyway if you're interested here's some stuff bout the new planet... the other story.


Sorry no daily fact tonite. I'm up at my parents and the numbers on the cable box are all different plus they have good movie channels so my whole tv schedule has been thrown off. My flip is all wrong. My go-to flip through is all off. At home my fact-finding flip goes like this 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 24, 36, 43, 44, 45, 46, 55, 65, 86, 105, 111, 112, 113, 114, 115, 122, 123, 124.  That simply doesn't fly here. I'll try to get a handle on things and will have some goodies fo ya tomorrow. 

 Here's how a remote control works. Not like I know how it works after reading it tho...


Yesterday I saw Roborior on TV. Roborior is a robot blob that goes around your home changing colors and looking at stuff. AND if someone like busts into your house and starts wrecking shit up, Roborior will call you on the phone to alert you to the fact that someone busted into your home and is in the process of wrecking shit up. Because it's some sort of guard dog robot blob thing.

However, if you get home and see all your shit is all wrecked up and Roborior didn't call to alert you and you're like, 'Hey! Roborior WTF! Why didn't you call! My shit is all wrecked up!'  And Roborior pretends like he just woke up or whatever and acts like he doesn't know what happened all 'surprised as you' and stuff. Don't believe Robiorior! Roborior knows exactly what happened! Roborior got all robotdrunk and robowrecked your shit up hismroboself is what happened! Roborior spelled backwards is L-I-A-R-R-O-B-O-T (in canadian)!

Here's a link to some pics of Roborior along with some decent nerdly comments.


The MTV Movie Awards were terrible. Jimmy Fallon was terrible. The set was terrible. The format was terrible. The bands were terrible. The Breakfast Club tribute was terrible. The band that played Don't You Forget About Me was ultraterrible. And worst of all I realize I'm starting to slip in terms of knowing the 'stars' is on the show. Five years ago I would have definitely known every person on the show. Now I'm running at 75%. 75% I recognize. 25% are strangers. Actually maybe that's not such a bad thing.

Here's Katie Holmes boobs. (Warning: Real Boobs!)


Tonite I found out something interesting bout Major League Baseball balls. Here's the dilly. Pitchers don't ever pitch using brand new spanking clean balls. The balls are actually pre-dirtied up before they make it into the game. It gives the ball more of a grip. So back in the clubhouse before each game some dude sits there and basically rubs a little mud on all the balls so they're not too slick and stuff. And all that mud comes from one place and one place only...

New Jersey...


Tonite Bill 'Friggin' O'Reilly told me that Denver passed a dopey law that put a ban on all Lhasa Apsos basically making them illegal or whatever. So according to the law if you've had a lhasa apso for like ten years or whatever, all of a sudden some dude can throw a net around your lhasa and drag it away. The city considered the lhasa apso breed a threat to the safety of the city because there's been a bunch of lhasa apso attacks.... I think they were talking about lhasa apsos... maybe it was pitbull. Either way it's a dopey law.

Here's some celebrity lhasa apso owners.


Today TV told me all about these two dudes who tried to cross the Arctic Circle using canoes and skis to raise awareness for global warming. They got about half way across the tundra or whatever and then they got hit with storms and other crap and had to bail out of the journey. They radioed for help and had to get picked up. I guess that was a little embarrassing. Apparently the conversation was like this:

<ring ring>

Rescue Guy: Hello?

Half-Frozen Dude #1: Hey! (teeth chattering)

Rescue Guy: Hey! How's it going out there?

Half-Frozen Dude #1: Great! Really serious great. We're like half-way. The view is totally cool and all that.

Rescue Guy: Cool! Yeah it takes alot of balls to do what you guys are doing...

Half-Frozen Dude #1: Yeah there's been a couple storms which kind of sucked and...

In the background we hear the other guy.

Half-Frozen Dude #2: Just tell him to pick us up!!!

Rescue Guy: What's that?

Half-Frozen #1: Nothing nothing. Hey! Do you guys have a copter around?

Rescue Guy: Yeah why?

Half Frozen Dude #1: I dunno I was thinking maybe you guys could do a fly by and...

Then there's a fight over the radio. We hear rustling and grunting.

Half Frozen Dude #2: Gimme that!

Half Frozen Dude #1: Get off! I got it!

Half Frozen Dude #2: Then tell him!

Half Frozen Dude #1: I'm telling him! Just chill out!

Half Frozen Dude #2: Don't tell me to chill out I'm f**kin frozened out! I'm beyond chill! Tell him!

Half Frozen Dude #1: Hello?

Rescue Guy: I'm here.

Half Frozen Dude #1: Well it's like this. It's friggin really friggin cold out here. And we're thinking that if it's not too much trouble...

Rescue Guy: You need a lift.

Half Frozen Dude #1: Well we don't need a lift we were thinking we just might...

Half Frozen Dude #2: We need a lift!!

Half Frozen Dude #1: Shut up dick!

Half Frozen Dude #2: You're a dick! And I know you ate that last beef jerky strip yesterday! You totally didn't lose it!

Half Frozen Dude #1: Maybe I did maybe I didn't!

Rescue Guy: Roger. We're on our way.

Half Frozen Dude #2: Ooh! Bring coffee please!

Half Frozen Dude #2: Yeah mine with milk no sugar!

Half Frozen Dude #2: Mine with sugar no milk! And cookies please!


You can see a photo of the two travelers here. Not sure why it was a problem given the look of em.


Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I could point fingers but I'm not the finger pointing type. Especially when the finger is pointed squarely at myself. Which makes me uncomfortable. So I pointed the finger at my dog but he didn't like that so much easier and barked at my finger. So I put my hands in my pockets and typed all this with my feet.

Ok I didn't type all that with my feet but I did type this with my feet!

hedllol  ji aZm tgypingb wigth hmy fvedeedtg

How bout them apples?


TV showed me a new stove today. It's one of those flat ones with no flame type thing. Just a flat surface. But with this one you can be boiling water one second. Then move the pot off the heater and put your face right smack where the pot was and it won't melt your whole face off. The actual stove doesn't heat up. It cooks things using supermagnets and causing some reaction so the metal pot heats up magnetically... but the stove doesn't or something. WARNING: I wouldn't attempt the face on stove experiment unless you're absolutely sure it's a dumb magnetic stove.

Here's some guy who will yell at you about Induction Heating.


Tonite I started watching Jackie Brown but man that movie is slow so I started flipping around and I saw some commercial for a diet aid that was $153 a bottle. The commercial bragged the whole time about being $153 a bottle and how the pills must be so great because they're $153 a bottle and how $153 way too expensive for the casual dieter who won't pay $153. The whole thing was gross. I froze framed on the fine print and I saw there was a patent number. So I decided to research the patent and maybe expose these wangs on tv bragging about ripping people off or whatever. But as per usual the patent was boring and normal and blah blahs on and on... so I got no scoop on it.

A whole buncho people sent me this link so I might as well link to it.


Last night on the news I seen a story about how there's this new drug (Oxytocin) that people shoot up their nose and it makes the snorter more trusting of stuff and stuff. It helps people take more social risks or whatever. I guess it's a good thing. Problem is that people who walk down the street shooting stuff up their nose constantly will make people way less trusting of them... so it sorta cancels itself out.

Speaking of trust here's some games at thetruth.com. Man, they burn thru money over there...


Today I found out there's a new bomb to be afraid of. On the highway there's things called Urine Bombs. Truckers fill up jugs with urine as they drive along then leave them on the side of the road. Sometimes a car will run over it or a lawnmower will hit it and they'll explode. I found this particularly relevant to me because sometimes in the morning if I don't want to wake the dog I'll pee in a bottle so he won't hear I'm awake. Umm... is that wrong?

Wear this to the first dinner with the in-laws...