MARCH 2005

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3/30

Tonite I found out where you can get the most expensive bowl of soup in the world. Thailand. It's a soup made out of jelly-like bird saliva and it supposedly slows down the aging process. The birds (called sea swifts) make the saliva for their nests then dudes come in and take the nests and make soup. Or just sell the nests wholesale at like $1000 a pound. I think this fact is like gross in three different ways...

Ok here's an internet scavenger hunt! If anyone can find where sea swift nests from Thailand are sold on the internet- they win a free coffay mug! First one to email in with a real link to a real place to buy em wins! [email protected] I'll post the link when/if a winner shows up...

The WINNER of the Bird's Nest Swift Bird Scavenger Hunt is...

JILLIAN V! Who sent in this LINK first! Congrats to Jillian! She wins a free mug!

 

3/29

Tonite I watched American Idol and I gotta say.... 

I DO NOT LIKE CONSTANTINE! I DO NOT LIKE the way he looks at the camera at me! I DO NOT LIKE his crooked rocker walk that's supposed to be 'singer-y' or something! I DON'T LIKE Constantine on my American Idol show! I DO NOT LIKE how he tricks the teen girls! I wish there was a negative vote because I'd be texting 'I DO NOT LIKE CONSTANTINE!' on my new Cingular phone all night! I DO NOT LIKE Constantine! And NO this does NOT mean I have a secret gay crush on Constantine! It means I DON'T LIKE CONSTANTINE!

NO!!! GAH! WHY!!?

3/28

Tonite on VH1 I done learnt that in the state of Minnesota it is illegal to make love to your wife if you have garlic or onion smell on your breath. Tis true! The punishment for trying to do changchang with your wife if you have stanky onion breath is you gotta paint your testicles bright yellow and wear them outside of your pants through your zipper for a month AND you have to finish every sentence by saying, '... and then my testicles are yellow. See?'

Here's smore dopey Minnesota laws! Real ones! 

3/27

Tonite I learnt on tv that some eco-nerds are sorting out a new way to preserve the environment by preventing things from becoming junk. Basically they're working on a 'replicator' for small parts and stuff. Like lets say your flugle's lingling broke off. And you call the company that makes the flugle and they're like no more linglings. Now you're pissed because the flugle is fine. All you need is a frigging ling ling! So you head over to your 'replicator' and feed in the measurements and make your own dang lingling. This will make your flugle good as new as opposed to sitting in a landfill all... old as bad... or something.

"                      ." Nuff said...

3/26

Website tech issues are now resolved and stuff but it threw me off a bit here with the factual situational evidence viewing televisionicity or lack of postings thereof.

Happy Easter y'all! Fact later today. I'll try to find something bout Easter or rabbits or easter rabbits or maybe chicks.

These bunnies be fun me thinks.

3/24

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. In it's honor I changed the name of this page for the day. There.

Here's something coolio to watch instead of TV for a moment or two... me thinks.

3/23

Tonite the news told me that I've most likely eaten genetically modified food- which sorta sucked because I guess I would have like to have consciously made that decision. They told me that alot of cereal and frozen dinners and stuff contain "GM" food. Tasted normal to me. At least I'd expect some sort of low level superpower side effect to come of GM or something. Like x-ray vision... but only through glass or something...Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently there's been alot of GM news going on lately. Chompity chomp chomp

3/22

Last night on Conan I found out that owls aren't so smart and wise and stuff. They're not so bright actually. Which is why that owl in the Tootsie Pop ad might be doing only 'a one... a two....  a three....<crunch>.. a three...' Maybe because the owl can't even count to four! Dopey owls!

I searched all over the net for a stream of the old charms commercial. If anyone can find it and send it to me they WIN a free Mep coffay mug! First one wins!

**Stop the Searching! We already have a winner! Congrats to Paul B.! Here's the

3/21

Happy Spring!

Hey today I seen there's a new chewing gum out there that may make boobs bigger! If chicks chew the gum 4 to 5 times a day, they say it'll enhance the melons and it might cause boob biggerness as much as 80%! The gum is really big in Japan right now.... and taking the world by storm! You can never get enough gum popping big boob girls bouncing around I always say...

Anyway, here go the Bust-Up gum. (legal disclaimah: if you buy it and go chewing it and it doesn't work or gives you a rash or something you can't go yelling at me in a court of law.) 

3/20

Today TV told me about this dude in the National Guard who was walking around in some muck in Idaho and he saw something weird swimming around in the muck. So he picked it up and took it to some place and he was like, 'Look at this here critter!' And this other guy in the guard was like, 'Friggin bizarro man! Let's barbecue it up and add lime!' And this other guy was like, 'No we ain't gonna barbecue it up and add lime!' Good thing too because he brought it to another place where they declared it was an all new species. Never before discovered.... Then they barbecued it up... with lime.

Here's the new species. Looks suspiciously alien to me. Maybe that's why it's "new

3/19

Tonite on the tv some sciencey guy told me what most UFO's really are. Something called 'earthlights'. Apparently when the earth gets mental and shifts or whatever it will sometimes release some plasma that can fly around and return to the ground. Or light up the sky or zoom out into space. They can also reflect light to look metallic. (I prefer to believe in UFOs. More fun there.) Here go some pictures of earthlights

And here go the lights of earth!

3/18

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I sat around and stared at a bunch of pieces of paper and tried to figure out how they equate to 'taxes'. I tinkered with the idea of not paying taxes and becoming and IRS outlaw fugitive from accounting justice.... but that seemed like a real bad call. I don't want the IRS to come smash on me. Back to the calculator and mysterious scribbled scraps of paper.

Here's the FBI's top ten most wanted dudes. 

3/17

Constantine. On Elimidate.

3/16

Tonite TV told me about a new collectable trading card line called Benchwarmer Cards. As far as I can tell they're just bikini girls on each card and horny nerds collect them and trade them and stuff. Kinda cool. Not too long ago I went through my old baseball cards which I keep at my parents house. I was the brainiac type forward thinking kid who like geniusly wrote his name in magic marker on the important cards. Sort of brings down the value of a 1975 George Brett rookie card when on the back it says, "TODD'S CARD!"

Anyway, wanna bid on a Benchwarmer?

3/15

Today I learned about this big corn maze somewhere out in the mid-west that's taken alot of heat lately. According to local authorities there are as many as 18 people currently missing assumed to be lost in the maze. People disappearing in the maze for days or weeks on end is an ongoing problem. Recently one person wandered out after spending 20 days in the maze. He was naked except for his 'corn loincloth'. When the farmer was questioned about the dangers of his corn maze he said, 'Whatever. You go in my f**kin maze you take your f**kin chances. Eat all the corn you f**kin want while you're in there. I give a f**k!' Investigators are still investigating.

Find a maze and dig the relaxing music

3/14

I was just watching CNN and saw the woman who was held hostage by the guy who grabbed the gun and went shooting in the courthouse in Atlanta. She talked about a book that she was reading at the time called 'The Purpose Driven Life' --and said it totally helped her survive the situation. The news showed the cover of the book and had a panel of people talking about why the book is good. When the publisher of the book was contacted for a comment on the recent publicity-- the publisher issued a press release stating, "Booyah, baby!!! SWISH!"

Here's another good book if you wanna check it out.

3/13

Today TV told me a study that was done at Emory University involving porn. They showed porn pictures to men and to women to judge their reaction. They found out that men had a stronger reaction to the porn pics than the women. Women apparently need backstories or whatever to react strongly the straight out porn pictures. And yet another dopey ass study that does nothing for no one and teaches zero to everyone wraps itself up.

'A little too much time on their hands...' and understatement in the extreme.

3/12

Tonite I seen on TV that there's a new cool way to fight fires. It's called the Sapphire System. Basically it's like wetless water. It looks and acts just like water but it won't conduct electricity so you can spray it all over electric stuff. Also it won't make ink run in stuff so you can spray it all over paintings and stuff and it won't mess it up. You can like throw a tv in a tub of it and it'll keep working while submerged. Kind of cool. How does it work? Something to do with chemicals and science-y knowledge about things and stuff or something.

Kaboom!

3/11

Today TV told me all about a place called Chateau Marmutt. It's like some kind of doggie day care/spa place in LA. Doggies can get aromatherapy and massages and pampered and all that. Can you imagine being some dude hard at work slaving away to close a deal all stressed out to bring home the bacon-- and you get home to find out your wife took your friggin dog to have a relaxing massage and aromatherapy on your dime. That's gotta make your eye twitch a little.

Here go Chateau Marmutt. Some cute doggie pics there. 

3/10

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I guess I was a little overly fascinated with Michael Jackson  unfortunately because I ended up all glued to the news about him and didn't really learn anything new about him. So glad this trial isn't televised. I'd come out of it with super long nails and a big beard and a ratty robe holding one hand up blocking the sunshine from burning my eyes..

Man, was he good...

3/9

Today it's finally happened. You thought never right? You thought that record could never be broken. That it would live on through the ages. But today all that has changed. The record has been broken. Not broken... crushed. And Radhe Shyam Patel has done it. He broke 22 eggs in 30 seconds! The record set in Banglore in '03 (a measly 13 eggs) has been broken! Radhe has done it! 

Here he goes! Smash x 22, baby! 

I don't like the idea of an egg shaped object capable of changing my whole life... just sitting around somewhere doing nothing...

3/8

So tonite at 9:00 after American Idol I was about to flip around when I saw a parental discretion warning for a show called 'House'. I've never seen House before and didn't know what it was- but the parental discretion was a very sneaky trick that worked very well on getting me to watch House. It basically said, 'The following program's opening scene contains hot wild sex! It may involve a 69! You never know! Parental discretion is advised.' Ok maybe it didn't say that exactly but that was the gist. Sneaky of Fox to bait me but it's cool to see the workaround on the mental FCC. 

Here's a video I found when googling '69'. It's a band called 69 Eyes from Helsinki. 

3/7

Tonite on Letterman I saw some guy who works construction talking about how he shot himself in the head with a nailgun. He was nailing something into the wall and the gun recoiled and it kachunked him. He didn't realize he had shot a nail in his head and he went home and did whatever and had a headache. Six days later he found out he had a friggin nail in his friggin head! Something's weird with that whole "get along fine even with a nail in your head'' thing. What is all that brain for anyway?

Here's an x-ray of some other dude who nailed up his head earlier this year. He's fine now.

And here's a bunch of weirdo x-rays.

3/6

Tonite I seen that up in the Northwest Territory for a few months every year a bunch of giant lakes freeze and they set up an ice highway across the frozen lakes. They do testing for thickness and plow the snow and trucks drive over the lakes. They can't go over 22 MPH because if they really start picking up speed it will cause a wave under the ice that will crash hard into the shore. Sometimes the ice breaks and trucks or equipment fall in. The whole thing is a major hassle too. So why do they bother? Why take the risk? Why do people do it? What could make someone drive a truck across a frozen lakes for miles?

 These things.

3/5

Sorry no daily fact yesterday I was running around for a bit then I got caught up in the afternoon with a marathon game of NHL 2005 on Gamecube with a friend of mine. My thumb hurts alot now. I got Nintendo thumb. I'm totally out of console videogame thumb shape apparently...

Having an retro-injury made me think about an old school retro-injury thing involving kabangers... or whatever they were called

3/4

I usually don't get too political on the site but tonite I'm taking a stand on a political thingamagee! 

Some Connecticut politician (frankly with a little too much time on his hands) is trying to force movie theaters to print the exact time a movie starts (not just when they turn on the commercials) so consumers can get only what they pay for. I'm all for this but I'd like to add that the law should state what time the actual previews start. Not the movie. In any case anything that fights movie theater advertising as being a dick move.. I'm all for. We pay $9.50 or whatever to see a movie! Advertising (besides previews) should be banned from all movies! I say so! 

AND in fact I had an idea the last time I was in the movies. Here it is:

I thought it would be cool to start an anti-movie-advertising laser pointer trend. The idea is that everyone bring laser pointers to the movie and people only use the lasers to mock the soda ads or whatever by doing crotch and butt stuff. Laser pointer rebellion! This way it will distract from the actual ad and hurt the advertisers. If everyone in the country did the laser pointer thing and mocked movie advertising perhaps the advertisers would get fed up and go elsewhere! (However, I know people are hard to trust with laser pointers and before you know it you're watching Million Dollar Baby and there's a laser pointer on Clint's butt during a touching scene.) Ok maybe the laser pointer thing is a movie utopian idea but movie advertising is so super offensive to me it made me go and write all this stuff!

Anyway, here's the politician in Ct. (Rep. Andrew Fleischmann who's trying to make the law) hanging out with John Edwards. Each trying to out-smile the other... and Edwards is taking him to the smile hoop. 

3/3

So tonite the lady on the news told me about how some waitress started a website where other waitresses can talk about what dicks customers are sometimes. And like about how Omarosa once left a 15 cent tip. And why making tea sucks. And how when you see some lady walk in with 5 kids you want to friggin jump out a window (1st floor window that is...)

Anyway, here's the site. 

3/2

Tonite I found out that there's a company called Angel Flight which will take the ashes of a deceased person (I guess 'deceased' goes without saying) and will load em up into a bunch of fireworks and do a fireworks display as like a funeral or memorial service or something. Coolio  ? or !

Look at all this fun ash scattery stuff! It makes being stuck in the ground look like a big ol snoozefest!

3/1

TV showed me some senior citizens over in China are swimming in the Hong Kong harbor in the winter time. Hong Kong harbor is a major shipping channel and there's oil slicks in there and high levels of sulfur and it smells weird and there's garbage floating around and it's freezing cold --but the senior swimmers swear it's healthy. It's hard to argue with them because they're senior citizens and if they can jump in a freezing dirty harbor and be healthy after they must be doing something right. You watch, soon LA peeps will start doing the new HongKongHarborHydrotreatment therapy and pay $500 an hour to sit in polluted freezing muck.

Speaking of bad therapy, I don't know what's going on here.

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