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MAY 2006


Tonite news people told me about the upcoming new nintendo type dealio. It's called the 'Wii'. Gonna take a while to get used to the bad name. But apparently the controllers are easier to use and more physical. Like if you're playing a golf game you swing the whole controller. It's that kind of thing. Or if you're in a sword fight you swoop the thing around or whatever. Seems coolio. More family oriented and blah blah. It'll either be a smash or an embarrassment.

Here's the top 25 worst tech products of all time for yer persnoozal.


Today I found out that the FBI were busy digging up some farm somewhere because they got a 'tip' that Jimmy Hoffa was buried there. But they found out he wasn't buried there. Hundreds of thousands of dollars out the window. And the search continues. Great. Well, I have a tip for the FBI too! Hey FBI, I hear that Jimmy Hoffa is hiding in the hills of Afghanistan and he's disguised in a long beard and he now answers to the name of 'Osama'. Check into that and stop wasting time and money digging up farms for no reason! FBI jerks...

Here's this here bout that there.


Tonite TV told me some nerdy scientists found out which came first-- the chicken or the egg? The answer is: The egg. Not sure how they came to that conclusion. Something about the way DNA works blah blah or whatever. They also found out why the chicken crossed the road. The answer? To distance themselves from the nerdy scientists who spent years on this thinking it was going to win em a Nobel or something...

Well this takes all the fun out of this....


Last night I found out about a new clock radio that will really wake your ass up. Basically, the top of the alarm has four puzzle pieces. When it's time to wake up the puzzle pieces get launched into the air all over the room and the alarm starts blaring. The only thing that will make the alarm clock stop is for you to find all the pieces and put them back into place. Who wants that? I dunno. Who invented it? I dunno. What do I know? I dunno.

Look at this thang!


Today this space was reserved for bragging about how McPheever won. I was going to do a typing victory dance and talk about how smart I am and how much stuff I know. Instead I'm typing this. A concession speech. Because McPheever McPhuked up. So I'm concessing that sometimes even me can be wrong. But also I am not a sort loser. I say 'Congratulations to Carlton Hicks! And may he enjoy his reign as the current American Idol! Katharine will be ok. I will be ok. We all will be ok. American Idol maybe not so much... that shark hatht jumpt.

Here's Carlton's official 'Soul Patrol' (puke) HQ.



If you need a reminder about McPheever watch her sing over here!!! And look at her boobs too!!!

Idol Vote
Who would you vote for for next Idol?

Katharine McPhee
Taylor Hicks


Wow! Did I see a dumb invention on tv today! Get this. There's a new type of sneaker that has an mp3 player built in. For the athletic nerd? Really? The sneakers come with a wireless headset so you can listen to songs while you work out or jog down the street. The guy said the wireless headphones will continue to work at a distance of 50ft which I guess would come in handy if you get your head lopped off while jogging and you want to keep rocking and rolling...

 Rolling! Get it!? Ahh... feh! Check out them kicks!


So umm... a nerd told me on tv today that science people discovered how to make light travel... backwards. Apparently they figured out how to slow light down a while ago but making it go backwards has sort of wowed people. I have no idea what that meant and when the guy tried to explain it it sounded like he didn't know what he was talking about either. But it's a fact now. Light can travel backwards. So you can brag about knowing about this at the next cocktail party. And if someone asks how that's possible just say, 'Oh it's complicated. You wouldn't understand...' Guaranteed you'd be right.

Here's the nerd that done did it and more info...


Sorry no daily factoid yesterday. I was out for the most part running errands with Roscoe and doing things.

Remember that terrible movie The Sweetest Thing? Look at their terrible website thing!


Today local yokel news told me that people can learn alot about other people by noticing how they sneeze. Like if someone is a 'cute sneezer' it means they're helpful and supportive of people or if someone is a loud sneeze they're like motivated and whatever. If someone sneezes over and over again has a good time with it it means they're like life of the party type. I guess it makes sense. Duh. I personally feel the sneezing etiquette should change a little. Like people should sneeze into their coats or armpits or whatever. Why is it always with the hands?? The worst place!

Babies are weird. Parents are weirder.


TV told me tonight that by sometime next year Miller Beer is coming out with a self-chilling beer can. Like if the beer is warm all you have to do is twist the bottom and the beer will be cold in three minutes. Not sure how it works. Like something is released into something else and the water with the vapors... I don't know. Whatever. Sounds fun!! Sounds cool!! Sounds like a good idea!! Sounds like there's going to be a new multi-millionaire minus one hand by the end of next year...

Here goes the can can.


So I found out that video games are starting to shift gears to more God oriented stuff. Like this new one coming out is all about fighting off the anti-christ and stuff. Not sure what the dilly is. But they said that one of the action heroes is called Bibleman (there's also Biblegirl). I guess that's coolio. But does it have to be 'Bibleman' and 'Biblegirl'? Can't they be a little subliminal about the whole thing. More Narnia-ish or whatever. I say take Bibleman and Grand Theft Auto and mash it all together multiplayer! Bibleman tries to clean up the whole place! Now there's a friggin game!

Back in the day it would have been great to get all wacked and bug out at this Bibleman live show thing! (scroll down for video)

(And I'm going to save my bragging about Katharine McPhee until next week when I can brag non-stop about how super right I was!)


Today I found out that science archeosplorers dug up some 1,300 year old chick in Peru that had whole bunch of tattoos. After careful analysis and testing they found out the that its possible that the woman died of embarrassment. They came to that conclusion because her tattoos included: theater masks inside a yin yang symbol with a dolphin jumping over it, a mermaid with horns and fire for hair sitting on a moon crescent, and a horse wearing a crown and sporting an erection with an backwards chinese symbol underneath that translates to 'lamp'.

Here's some bad ink for ya...


Ok I read about this over the weekend but I just saw it on the local news so here tis. Apparently, in New York emotionally challenged people are pushing restaurants to allow their pets inside for 'emotional support'. In the same way blind people need their dogs to get by, extra emotional people need their dogs to get by too. They're also pushing to get their pets on planes and stuff. Getting doctor's notes as proof of their instability.

If all it takes is a doctor's note and I can bring Roscoe on a plane I'd totally go unstable (er) ! How cool would it be to let Roscoe run around on the plane!? Totally playing catch up and down the aisle and doing hide and seek then picking up his poop and opening the hatch door and hucking it out into the sky and it'll fall all the way down like a doody rocket and splat down right on some dude's face who's lying in his pool half-asleep!? Awesome! Surprise!

This customer review for this toy is kind of funny... "Let me repeat that again: This is the absolute worst flying toy I've ever bought for my dog." (only in America)


Today I watched a show about the Rapture (the idea that at some point all born again believers will disappear from the planet and go to straight heaven-- and all the non-believers will be left behind on Earth (in utter shock about being so totally super duper wrong.) Anyway, dude on tv was suggesting we are closer than ever to the end of the world-- which in a way is always true if you believe the of the end of the world is coming. I mean, we'll never be closer to the end of the world... yesterday.

Anyway, if you are on board with the idea of a rapture type situation, here's a told-ya-so email you can have sent to your friends left behind...


Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I was out and about and then when I came back I didn't do factoid. I do remember seeing something about something but in terms of my memory it's long gone. Oh wait! No... no. Still gone.

But here's a translator thing that's fun for almost a full minute!


So tonight I found out from the newslady that there's some kind of debate as to what qualifies as 'natural' in food products. The debate got started because 7-UP is busy bragging all over town that they're now "natural" but apparently high-fructose corn syrup isn't natural in reality. In reality it goes through some unnatural process. And nature nuts are calling for 7-UP to pull all ads claiming they're not really '100% Natural'. 7-UP's released this statement in response:

"The dicks calling for us to pull our ad campaign have got to be f'in kidding! We spent a ton of money on this shit and no dirt twirling teetotaller is gonna mess up our f'in campaign! F them! F you! And F poisonous Sprite!"

Here's a yellow-subby ripoff from the 70's. Was that really what voiceover was like back then? And who the hell is Mr. Mortz?



Ok I've decided I know who the next American Idol is now. (Last year I picked that dude Mario Vasquez with the hat who dropped out and he totally screwed over my prediction). But this year I definitely got it right! Ready? This year's American Idol is...

Katherine McPhee!"


So alot of people have been emailing say it's over for the McPheever! Because she was umm... sub-pheevery tonite. But I say it's ok! Taylor Hicks is heading home tomorrow! Yeah! Umm.. That's what's gonna happen! It's gonna be a big shocker and stuff! Yeah! No one is gonna expect it! You wait and see! Last week we were right with the voting! Let's try it again!

Idol Vote
Who would you vote for this week?

Elliott Yamin
Chris Daughtry
Katharine McPhee
Taylor Hicks
Uch! Enough with frickin idol! I don't watch that crap! Bleh!


This morning on Good Morning America the lady told me that New Jersey is changing their slogan again. It's only a year old but apparently the current one, 'Come See for Yourself' ... umm... sucks and scares people into thinking they'll end up in a trunk of a car if they don't see for themselves. So there's some sort of open call for new slogan.

BTW, a few weeks ago I was watching Madagascar with my nephew and there was some sort of cheap shot New Jersey joke in the movie. I felt bad for my nephew. I'm not from Jersey but they are and it was like the first of I'm sure a lifetime of Jersey jokes for them. I just thought it was a little lame in a kids movie to make Jersey kids feel bad about their whole state. Let them feel bad about it as teens! But c'mon! The kid is 4!

Anyway, here's a bunch of jerky slogans for your slogal.


So tonite I found out that they've been trolling around in the Bermuda Triangle and found alot of weird sea life. And ocean nerds are like bugging out at their glowy fish and undiscovered monsters. I guess that's all good but if still stuff we can fry up in a pan I'm not all that thrilled. What I want them to discover is what jumps out of the water and grabs a mast and capsizes a boat then drags it down to the deep all in under five seconds... (slideshow of the creepizoids here)

Actually mentioning the deep reminds me of a bar argument I had with a friend of mine a while ago. He told me that Orson Welles directed The Deep. (Remember cheesy treasure hunter movie. This thing.). I was like, 'Orson Welles directed that??!' He was like, 'Yeah it was his last movie...' I was like, 'Orson Welles directed The Deep!?? Are you sure?!' Guy was like, '100%.' This was pre-internet so it took me a while to find that that was so super wrong. Here's the story with his Deep.


Sorry no daily factoid today! But here's fun in 4 seconds!


So I watched the VH1 Countdown with Matt Pinfield. Is it me or is that whole countdown totally dominated by whiny piano playing dudes who stare into the camera looking like they're gonna cry while the video shows flashbacks of the relationship that is no more and the ex-girlfriend is always some artist chick who's like vaguely familiar like some blonde from the OC or some WB show or something? I feel like an old man complaining about music but jeezus that countdown was painful. It was one big guy waaaahhh...

Here's the reigning King of the Waaahhh...


Tonite tv was talking about earwigs so I listened. TV told me that earwigs didn't get their name because they like burrow in your ear while you're asleep and try to control your brain like in Star Trek (III?) Was it III? Earwigs got their name because when you look at their wingspan it looks like an ear. See?

They're still gross tho... See? (Ah I couldn't resist googling. It was II. Khan. Duh. And they were ceti eels.)


So tonight I found out that the post office is looking to raise the price of a stamp to .42 (check it out! i found the symbol for 'cents'! boom! !) Anyway, of all the big ripoffs in the world (gasoline, neckties, cereal, eyeglasses, art) I think .42 to send a piece of paper anywhere in the country is still a pretty good friggin dealio!? Is it me or does that still seem weirdly cheap. It seems like it should be like $2.25 or sumthin. Then again, I don't run a business where I gotta send out 1000 things a day neither so I guess I should shut my yap yap.

Weird stamp site made my weird people!


Today TV told me something that I'm supposed to add to my list of 'Things to Worry About' that I won't worry about at all. Apparently, this time the sun is out to get us. Once every hundred years or whatever the sun farts out something called a 'solar superstorm'. It's like some super explosion of energy. The danger is that the explodo-vibes will mess up all the satellites and they'll all eventually fail which will crash the whole economy and worldwide system throwing everything into chaos. Yawn... whatever. Some sun fart ain't disrupting my sleep..

Here's some snapshots of the sun.

PS. Yes it's obvious that McPhee is winning at this point. But I'm curious to know if we're on the same page as America. Vote here! Results tomorrow!

Idol Vote
Who would you vote for this week?

Elliott Yamin
Paris Bennett
Chris Daughtry
Katharine McPhee
Taylor Hicks
Uch! Enough with frickin idol! I don't watch that crap! Bleh!


So today I found out that NASA is all busy trying to figure out way to fund space travel. Apparently NASA is thinking that funding for moon launches and stuff is gonna dry up unless things get spicy out in space. People are officially board of the cargo crap and tooling around in orbit fixing broken stuff. So they've been meeting to figure out how they can make money on the moon. If they really want to be serious about making cash up there..Two words: Weightless. Topless. Boom done.

I poked around on this and then decided I really wasn't interested...

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