Head Weights

I paid my bills yesterday. It took me about 3 weeks to pull it together to pay them. Here's how that process works: 

When I get my mail I look through it and only open stuff that cannot be scary in any way. Usually bills don't get opened right away. Especially my credit card bill because that usually is a big surprise for me. I try and add up in my head what my bill could possibly be and then open it like Johnny Carson as Carnac. Hold then envelope up to my head and ...Hmm.. what is... 4 restaurants.... two Rite Aids.... and a whole lotta little things that seem to add up to too way much .... Then rip and blow.  There's my phone bill which I have yet to ever really decipher. I keep meaning to call the phone company to make sure I'm on the 'best plan'. Each month reminds me that I gotta make that call. Then magazine subscriptions which I swear I just paid for the annual like two months ago (always forgetting that I checked the 'bill me later' thing.) And alot of other crap. There's usually something in each bill to annoy me or I need to question it. Or wonder about. Or whatever. So they sit for a week or so.

Then when I clean up my apartment I bring them over to my computer and let them sit on my desk for a couple days. Then I open em up and sort everything out. Write the checks. Put em in the envelopes. Then they sit on the desk until I remember to go out and buy stamps. Which will be another few days. I'm the type of person that refuses to go out and blow $25 on stamps. I go for the $6.80 pack and run out of stamps constantly. There's something about buying alot of stamps that rubs me the wrong way. It's dumb in the same way that I used to take only $20 out of the cash machine at a time. I just have that thing now with stamps. But every time I'm out I try and think... don't forget to buy stamps... but I usually forget to think that.

Anyway I headed out yesterday to finally mail them. Totally proud of myself for actually doing it. And I felt a little lighter mentally. The thing that bothers me is while the bills sat around my apartment - there's a small side of my thinking that's thinks about them. Like it's something I gotta remember to do. Things like that are little weight on my head. There seems to be alot of little things weighing on my head. Like write that email. Call that person back. Don't forget so and so's birthday. Buy milk. Send that wedding gift. (You're on day 352 there.) There's lots of things that I should take care of right away but simply don't. And I think if I could just do things as they pop into my head or pay bills right away and just DO these things-  I would probably free myself up of all those little weights and drop the baggage of extra thinking. And maybe feel lighter.

But somehow I think all that free space will just be replaced by other things. Things that I forgot about all together. And certainly don't want to think those things now.. considering all those other things that I'm not doing already.

ok bye!