Road Runner's Revenge*
So on Monday I went out and about and when I got home I immediately jumped on the computer to look at this or that or whatever. The internet connection was down. So I tried resetting the modem and rebooting and all that mess -but it be broke. So I called up Road Runner. And they told me to do all the things I just did even though I just did those things. They told me they had no reports of other 'outages in the area' in some half-accusatory tone. Like I would call up and machete my way through their phone system to get a live person just to lie to them about my internet connection not working. They told me they'd send someone out and the earliest would be Wednesday. After arguing and pleading for a sooner time slot- we agreed on Wednesday.
I felt a little naked without my internet connection running. I'm an official addict and I started jonesing. I thought about busting out my dialup and signing up for AOL 30 day trial just to limp around on the net for a while. But I decided I could use a little net-vaca anyway and clicked on the TV. I saw a frozen pixelated picture of what looked like a soap opera. My tv was down too! It apparently captured the last form of life before the connection was lost. One frame of One Life to Live or something.
I called up Road Runner again and told them about the TV too. They told me they'd be here Wednesday. After begging and pleading for an earlier slot- maybe Tuesday? we agreed on Wednesday. I looked around my apartment for stuff to do. Read? Read a book? Organize my mp3s? What the hell was I supposed to do? Wednesday?! That was two whole days away! No email? No website? No cable? No Unreal Tournament 2004?
I decided that Road Runner had done revenge on me. Revenge for my attacks on them. For my email bombardment. And my publicizing their secret ways and evils. They finally lashed out at me by pulling the plug. To show me who's boss. Like the cable guy mafia. They might as well have sent someone to my door with a bent nose and black suit saying stuff like:
"Da boss informed me dat yous been trying to cause problems. But da only problems you caused are for yous own personal self.. To us yous an annoyance. Just like the Wile E. Coyote was to da Road Runner. You're like Wile E. to us. We barely notice yous. And if yous not careful you might end up getting hurt. Hurt bad. Your connection can be broken anytime weez want. And da next time it might not be Wednesday weez come out here.. It might be a week from Thursday.. or worse. You dunno who yous messin with, website boy! Weez knows what you're up to. And at any moment we can swing by and yoink! Out goes your wire. Kapeesh? And don't be a smartass and go posting a story on your website too. Or else..."
Bring it on Road Runner! Yous don't scare me none!
*Update: I wrote the above yesterday while waiting for the cable guy. They said he would be here between 8-12 today and at 11:30 he showed up. He was a nice guy who was funny. He came upstairs and tested the wire and told me that sure enough the signal was out. He told me he'd have to get into the backyard and go up the pole. Problem is I don't have access to the backyard. So I called my landlord and he wasn't home. The guy said if he couldn't get into the backyard he couldn't fix the cable! And I'd have to schedule another appointment!
I panicked and decided to try the neighbors to see if they'd let the cable guy through. I rang the buzzers next door. No one was home. Next apartment. No one home! No! Next one! Nope. No!! I needed to get into that backyard! I tried a basement apartment and finally this lady in a housecoat opened the door. She said, 'Yeah...' I explained the situation and she got half-annoyed and said, "yeah yeah..." and let the guy in.
I went back inside and watched him go up the pole and do his thing. I took a picture of him:
Anyway, he said a squirrel chewed through the wire. That sounded awfully suspicious. I think Road Runner tried to teach me a lesson! But no lesson learnt here! Bring it on Road Runner! Wile Me Coyote got plans! Stuff on order from ACME! I'm drawing up blueprints of stuff! I got rockets and 1000LB weights on the way (shipping charges were a bitch) But you'll get yours Road Runner! I got a plans! Don't F with Wile Me!
ok bye again!
Stats for the last couple of days:
Number of times I turned on the TV expecting it to be
Number of times I clicked to go on the internet forgetting I wasn't connected: 60+
Number of pages read in my book: 14
Number of movies I watched on DVD: 2
Number of times I played Unreal Tournament against the computer: 11
Number of minutes I spent on hold or lost in phone system at Road Runner: 20+
Number of times I joked around with the Road Runner customer service person: 7
Number of times I made them laugh: .32
Number of times they called to ask if my service was back on when it wasn't: 2
Number of times they asked me to doublecheck: 1
Number of friends who insisted they knew how to fix the connection problem: 3
Number of friends who knew how to fix the problem: 0
Number of people who asked if I forgot to pay my bill: 6