Five (to seven) Times Angry at a Can of Pineapple

I like canned pineapple. My parents buy it by the case at Costco for me so I always have pineapple on hand. I like to eat it late night while I watch Nightline. But every time I take a can of pineapple out of the fridge I'll get pissed off at it. Because the can doesn't open with a can opener anymore!  It has the pull tab thing which seems smart and easier in theory but I'm not liking it! The pulltab is always too flat against the can! It's like nailed down or something! I'll try to get under there with my nail and it hurts! And then I'll get frustrated and grab a butter knife or whatever and jam it under there to open it up which is harder than it should be! It's way harder than soda! Why?! That's reason number one I'll get angry.

Then I get pissed number two because I realize I'm still using a 'tool' to open the can up anyway! The point of the pulltab is no tool! And I sort of like using a can opener! There's a slight challenge there or something! But now there's like an annoying step inbetween of me trying to do it with my fingernail then failing at that and going for the butter knife! That's like an extra five seconds! And in that five seconds I get a hurt nail and slight grumpy at the can!

Three, I'll get mad about the fact that companies go changing things without my permission! I still haven't forgiven cereal for changing the inner bag into something that doesn't rip right! Isn't there someone at the pineapple plant that notices? Isn't there someone at the raisin bran factory that notices it's a bad rip?

Then I'll go get fourdroopily mad at myself because I'm annoyed with something that I have no right to be annoyed with! Especially because technically it's an improvement! And life is pretty good if the thing that's getting you upset is opening a can of delicious fruit! I'm a jerk! A whiny jerk! Because of this stupid can!

But last night I got extra annoyed extra. I got fivetipily angry because for the first time ever I actually read the top of the can! I never bothered to read it before because all along I've been like, 'What's written there? Some kind of instructions? Too many words and pictures! I don't need to read that!' And never read it. Until last night.

It says that right in the center:

I was like, 'Uch! They trumped my meaningless dumbass nonsense complaint! Just like that! Those pulltab logical, bastards! It's like they just called me a dope to my face! Using their lid as a spokespers-can!' (dumb joke)

ok bye!


PS. I also got slightly sixtipliy mad because I don't like the idea of opening a can upsidedown. It seems wrong. And I don't trust a can that's opened from the bottom. It shouldn't be an option. Something about the sediment or something I just don't like it! But whatever. I shouldn't be complaining about this at all! And took the time to write a whole thing about it that nobody cares to read! Seven!