The Last Roommates
Years and years ago I shared a house with three friends outside the city. It was the last time I had a roommate until Roscoe. Today I was thinking about living in that house back in the day.
Here's some stories off the top of my head:
One roommate lived up in the attic and there was no bathroom up there and he was lazy. So often instead of going downstairs to pee-- he'd just pee in jars or empty soda bottles or whatever. I'd go up there to say hello or whatever and the place would reek of urine. He always seemed surprised when I pointed it out and he'd immediately dump some of the stagnant cups of urine out the window onto the roof into the gutter. -- One day I go up there to say hi and see my big personal cereal mug sitting on the window sill. My favorite cereal mug! I looked in and saw it was filled with urine! I yelled at him for ruining my cereal mug! And he argued that he planned to wash it out and put it back! (That was his argument!!) So then I asked if he ever used my cereal mug for pee before and he paused--- then smiled and said, 'No?' I almost puked.
There was one roommate who refused to clean anything. He didn't seem to grasp the concept of why things needed to be cleaned. The whole place would be totally filthy and the bathroom all gross and we'd all talk about what needs to be done to fix the place up. This guy claimed he didn't "mess anything up" so he didn't need to participate in the cleaning. He claimed he always put his dishes and garbage away and didn't "pee on the floor or anything" in the bathroom. I tried to explain that cleaning is beyond just putting stuff away and just because he doesn't 'pee on the floor' doesn't mean the stuff doesn't get messed up naturally. But he couldn't understand what I was talking about. That concept was beyond him. He would just say he doesn't do anything to mess the place up. We had this argument at least 20x.
One roommate confessed he was annoyed because he couldn't get pay-per-view Spice Channel or whatever in his room so he has to go downstairs to the main TV room late night to "slap it". I was like, 'You come down here?! To slap it? On the couch! Like over there! Like in the living room?!? Where we all hang out?!' GAH! EW! I thought about the times I'd go downstairs late night to get cereal or whatever and he'd be sitting there under the blanket "watching tv". Ew!
Everyone would always eat my cereal. It got really annoying. I would buy cereal and milk and it was disappear and nobody would admit it. I finally got fed up with it and had to figure out a way to protect my cereal. So this is what I did. Every time I bought new box of cereal I would open the box in front of everyone, then jam my hand down the front of my pants, then jam it into the box of cereal and swirl it around. To contaminate it. I had to do that to protect my cereal! I had to! I wanted my cereal! People had to stop eating it! It worked, ok!? Don't look at me that way!
Another cereal story is one time I went downstairs for some cereal. I looked in the fridge and saw there was milk in there that was like 10 days past its expiration date. I smelled it and it was horrible and chunky. So I bagged out on the cereal. On the way back to my room I saw one of the roommates eating cereal. I was like, 'Hey! Where'd you get the milk?!' He was like, 'The fridge.' I told him that milk was totally spoiled but he claimed it wasn't as he slerped up more cereal. It was gross. I could smell it.
One guy used Palmolive in the dishwasher and the thing overflowed everywhere and he refused to clean it up. He said it was just soap and it would eventually dry "clean".
I think that's it for now. I might have suppressed some memories tho. Don't mean to paint an awful picture. They were all actually nice guys and friends... but living together is another story.
And now I live with a friggin animal who drinks out of the toilet, pees on his feet and steals my shoes... so whatever.