What Did I Do to Deserve That?

So last night I headed into the city to hang out with some people and go to a bar and stuff. While I was out, I did some bragging about how cool my dog is. Like as an example, I didn't feel well the other day and sort of slept all day long-- and Roscoe didn't bother me at all. He slept all day too. Like we were in tune feelings-wise. He slept. I slept. I thought that was cool. Like we totally understood each other.

Before I went out to the bar, I left him with Fox TV (not Fox News) and hunter treats like I always do. See ya later. Don't chew anything stupid. Slam. The last time he was out was around 4:30PM. I got home at 1AM.

I walk in and give him a big happy hello and take him out right away. I walk him around and he poops. Cool. Then he wanted to go straight home. (He pulls toward home when he's done sometimes). And I'm looking at him like, 'Dude! You haven't peed. We can't go home till you pee.' But he insisted he didn't have to pee. I tried to drag his ass to his favorite trees or whatever but he refused. So I was like, 'Whatever dude. Fine with me. If you say you don't have to pee I'll believe you. But I know you're wrong.' It was weird but I whatevered it.

I get back inside, hang up the leash, walk into my bedroom--- and (wtf?) I see this big wet stain puddle right smack friggin dab in the middle of my friggin BED!!! Right on my comforter! Soaked through that. Through the sheet. Down to the mattress cover. I looked up at my ceiling for a leak. Nothing. WTF! Only one other option. I smell it. Urine. Roscoe friggin pissed on my bed!!!!

I look over at him like, 'DUDE! WTF!!!!!?!?!!??!!?!!!!!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!!!!!!!!' He gives me a look back like he was ashamed of what he did. I rip the covers off the bed and throw them all over him. I'm like, 'DUDE!!! WTFFFFFF [email protected]#[email protected]#$!OI$H!$O!!!!!!!!!' He climbs out from under the covers and lies down in the corner all sad looking. I was stunned. It was so intentional! Right in the middle?

So then I gotta go psycho-analyze his dopey bed wetting dog brain! Why would Roscoe pee on my bed? I looked for a reason to blame myself like I'm on the worse end of a bad relationship! Maybe he actually doesn't like Fox TV? Maybe he was pissed I didn't invite him out? Maybe I'm not paying enough attention to him?! (Not enough attention?!?! If he thinks he doesn't get enough friggin attention-- he better think himself up an imaginary friend or some shit! Cause he's getting all he's gonna get!) Dags! Brat!

I took everything to the laundry today and to clean my quilt it's friggin $17! Thanks dog! Plus all the other stuff needed to be cleaned! WTF!  How am I such a bad dog dad that he whizzes in the house?! On my bed! (Btw, on his own bed too!!!!) Dummy!

I googled around today to find out why a dog might do that.  One reason was he may have had a "scary dream" and peed the bed. Uh huh. Ok. Fine. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt that he had an "innocent" reason for doing what he done did-- he better have-- because if it happens again he's losing his bed privileges permanently!

ok bye!