Red Wine, White Couch

So the other night I went over to a friend's house to watch the Oscars. There was a bunch of us there. Eating food and drinking wine and stuff. (I ate alot of sausage and brie and now my face is round like a pumpkin). Anyway, the color of her couch was white. And of course, sure enough, right before the Oscar's started-- some chick splashed red wine on the white couch.

Immediately, I could see everyone in the room struggling in their brain to find their vague personal formula for taking red wine off a white couch. I scrolled through my rolodex of stain removal images. Infomercial stuff. Things my mom might have told me a long time ago. Maybe some stuff I saw on the interwebs. I couldn't come up with anything.

The girl who spilled the wine claimed she knew exactly what to do. Phew. She was pretty convincing. She ran into the other room to get something. I was psyched to see the wine stain removal magic! To finally put 'how to do it' to rest once and for all. Like in a real life infomercial! What was it gonna be? Lysol and speed stick? Slab of meat and marshmallow fluff? I'd never been in a red wine white couch situation!

The girl returned with a bottle of white wine and started pouring it on the couch. She claimed that white wine actually takes out red wine. I was like, 'Holy smokes! I never knew that! That's awesome to know!' I can't believe I never knew that...

She pours white wine all over the couch and starts rubbing it in. And rubbing it in... And... um....rubbing... and uhh...rubb... ing... and nope. Nuttin. It didn't come out. Not even a little. She seemed a little embarrassed about it. Then it was back to the rest of us. Time was ticking. Panic set in. We tried water. Seltzer. Baking soda. Dabbing. Blotting. Rubbing. Scrubbing. We just kept dumping stuff on there in the hopes of seeing some stain fade movement-- but red wine apparently really super stains! Totally!

Finally, I remembered seeing an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where some guy said all you need to do is pour alot of salt on it. Let the salt sit. Then scrape the salt away. The salt will soak up the wine or something. So we dumped salt all over the (now super wet) stain and let the salt sit there for a minute or two. Then I slowly scraped at the salt just like I saw on the TV!.... And guess what!?... umm... it....uh...  nuttin. yeah. That didn't work neither....

Then the conversation changed from stain removal to buying couch covers or flipping cushions (the cushion was not flippable)... so it was over. The red wine had won.

We sat around the stain and watched the Oscars ignoring the red wine elephant in the room...

ok bye!


PS. Any suggestions?