Can't Stop the New York Times!

So a couple months ago I was hanging out on my couch watching TV minding my own business and patting my dog on the head when this commercial came on for the New York Times delivery. All these happy people were talking about how much fun the New York Times delivery is. They sat there with their smug successful faces sipping coffee next to fresh flowers and grinning it up about how great they are for reading the newspaper. The commercial pushed the Sunday delivery and offered some sort of deal. Try it free or whatever. The pseudo-smart idiot in my head insisted I pick up the phone and order the Sunday Times.

I do read the NYT once in a while. On the subway or whatever. I either get the Times or Star Magazine (usually the latter).  And every few weeks I do pick up the Sunday Times at the deli or whatever. Sometimes I read some of it. I like it. I get the pleasure part of it. But other times it lays around my apartment like an old phonebook making me feel guilty for not reading it and wasting money on it.

Something about living in New York shoves the Sunday Times down everyone's throat as if it's something everyone has to be doing. Every Sunday. Required reading. Or you get a cultural F for the week.

Whatever. Like a dope, even though the sell the stupid Times on every corner, I decide to call up and get the Sunday Times delivered for a while to see if it makes me read it. Just Sunday. The pseudo-smart idiot in my head told me that if it was on my doorstep every Sunday maybe I'd head down in my robe with coffee in hand and go upstairs and read it next to fresh flowers and listen to jazz and smarten up my head--- instead of watching bad cable movies all Sunday.

So I sign up. A week later first thing on Monday. I got the Times delivered. And Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I got the Times on my doorstep. For two months now I get the Times on my doorstep. Everyday!! I'm like, 'I just ordered the stupid Sunday paper! Sunday Only!!! And now here it is every dang day!' I don't want it every friggin day! Sure, it might seem like an ok thing. Free paper everyday? But it's actually a real pain because I recycle paper and my little recycle box now fills up like crazy. And then I gotta schlep that heavy box down 4 flights of stairs on recycling day which I usually forget to do. My whole hallway is now filled with the stupid New York Times!

I've called up to cancel. They tell me it's cancelled. I got the first "bill". I wrote on it in big letters CANCEL THIS PLEASE! and sent it back. Nothing. Times times times. I went online to cancel. Done. Not done! More Times! Everyday! It won't stop! They won't make it stop! Are they punishing me for cancelling? Are they trying to force me to read it? To force feed a daily paper habit? I'm starting to think I gotta sit on my stoop one morning starting at 5AM to flag the actual delivery guy to tell him stop harassing me with his daily delivery!

On top of it, I'm so overwhelmed with the stupid daily Times that I haven't read the Sunday Times once since I started this whole fiasco two months ago! So I'm getting extra dumberer because of all this newspapering! I just want to go back to watching stupid cable movies and not have a pile of newspapers in my hallway! I'm sorry! I just want to go back to the way everything was!!! Sunday Times! Once in a while! From the deli! When I feel like it only! That's all! Please make it stop Mr. Times. I'm sorry for pretending to be like the people in the commercial...

ok bye!


PS. Here's a riddle I think I thought of. What was priceless yesterday and is worthless tomorrow?