The Seven Feelings About Bathroom Attendants
So the other night I was at some bar in Manhattan. When I went downstairs to the bathroom there was one of those bathroom attendant guys hanging out in there. I was like, 'Awww man... Man!... in the bathroom.'
The presence of some dude in a suit hanging out the bathroom took over my whole thought process... in feeling stages:
First feeling: Thankfulness.
I was thankful that I only had to go #1. I've never had to go #2 with one of those guys in there thank the lord. If I did I'd feel I was being "rude" in his place. And I'd have to talk to him from the stall about the weather or whatever so there's no weird silence. And I'd have to cough over any noises. And I'd feel like I'd have to give him a $10 tip or something out of guilt.
Second feeling: Disappointment.
Because it's sort of his bathroom, I'm not allowed to pee all over the walls, floor, sink, mirror, (and sometimes ceiling!) while singing my pee pee song 'I'm a Pee Pee boy... In his pee pee joy.... With his pee pee toy... Pee pee, pee pee oy oy oy... Oy oy oy ... the joy joy joy...' as I usually do when left to my own device. I had to pee in the actual urinal like a pee pee civilian-- and only hum my special song..
Third feeling: Concentration.
(Maybe that's not a feeling.) But after I nodded my hello and stepped up to the urinal, I felt like I should do my best to demonstrate that I'm not pee shy guy and get my pee going asap so the bathroom attendant guy doesn't think that I'm some sort of pee pee pussy or something.
Fourth feeling: Anger.
I don't like the idea that some guy is being paid to hang out in a bathroom all day long! There's gotta be other things for the guy to do! I know there are worse jobs and the pay is probably more than I'd suspect-- but the whole concept seems all dated and cruel because I don't know anyone who appreciates a bathroom attendant. Super unnecessary! And what's with all that stuff? Those products! I mean is anyone shaving down there or something? Who wants to come back from the bathroom freshly stinking of Drakkar? Anyone so complete desperate for a dum-dum lollypop after urine-ing?
Fifth feeling: Awkwardness.
After finishing peeing and flushing, the bathroom guy immediately turned on the sink faucets for me. Luke warm temperature. And got a towel prepped. I washed my hands and he offered a soap squirt which I accepted. (the breaking point to give a tip) And I felt the need to wash my hands extra thoroughly so he doesn't tell all his friends that I'm gross. I accepted the towel and mumbled something that sounded like 'thanks alot'. He said, 'My pleasure, sir..' (Is it really?) Plus, I don't think I qualified as a 'sir'. I mean I just had my wang out like 5 seconds ago...
Sixth feeling: Resentment.
I resented the fact that I felt pressure to dig into my pocket for a dollar or two! And if I don't have any singles I resent the feeling that I'm stiffing the guy! A jerk who can't drop a dollar in a basket but can spend $7 on a beer like a jerk!? I resented the entire establishment for thinking it's a good idea to have someone in there like that! Fancy? You're a bar! If I do give him a tip I take a mint that I don't even want to get my money's worth! And a week later I find that mint in my pocket all gross and goopy in my pocket after washing it. I resent that later too.
Seventh feeling: Appreciation.
I appreciated the fact the bathroom attendant guy might actually be getting the last laugh. I mean if 50 people go down there an hour that guy could be clearing what? $75 an hour? Minimum? Cash? That's not too shabby if you can block out your surroundings.. I appreciated being able to let go of my other six feelings. Plus I extra appreciated the fact that I can return to the bar with something to actually talk about. Sometimes I tend to shy-up-- and ranting about the bathroom attendant situation brings me out of my shell a little bit....