Assault of the Springtime Do-Gooders

I'm a nice guy.

I'm pretty easy going.

I try to good do things for the world or whatever and all that.


As soon as it gets hot out, there's a growing trend round these parts that's really starting to get on my nerves.

The trend of college kids with clipboards friggin accosting me on the street!!

I can spot them for a mile away with their matching colorful t-shirts. Greens and yellows! In twos or threes. I'll try to avoid them. Sometimes cross the street. Just to see them on the other side too! If I have headphones I'll put them on and hide in my head before they can get to me. If I have my cellphone I'll start pretending I'm having a conversation (and make it look as important as possible). But these clipboard kids simply can't be totally avoided and their tactics are vicious.

They're good with eye contact. They got big smiles. They just want to be acknowledged. Nodded to. Recognized. Standing in your path. Sometimes with a backup guy standing behind them so you gotta zigzag on the snub. Or sometimes it's a flirty cute chick (and my stupid brain will whisper false hope of my ability to get her number). And they give big hellos. I am incapable of straight out ignoring some 'charity person' with a full-on snub-- so I'll do my best to give a low-key "no time right now can't talk so sorry in a rush" head nod back. Gotta keep moving. Anything more than that and they pounce all over you with a question.

A question  that sucker punches right in the morals right on the street in front of everybody.

Questions like:

"Excuse me! Do you have any interest in saving the future of this planet?"

"Hi! Do have a minute to help out our troops?"

"Hey! Do you have an interest in supporting gay rights?"

"Hi there! Do you have just two minutes to help save a coral reef?"

"Hi! Do you have a just one single solitary moment to help save a three legged kitten who is trapped in a sack with snakes?"

What the hell am I supposed to say to questions like that? No, I don't have ONE minute?! I don't have an interest in saving the future of the planet. I don't want cleaner air or cleaner water or less dead three legged kittens in sacks with snakes. I have to ignore you!

Don't get me wrong. I do care about "stuff". I do some charity stuff! But after giving them the snub I feel guilty. I want to turn back and say, "Hey! I do my share just so you know! So don't go judging me! I'm not the one who put the kitten in the sack with snakes!"

Plus, there's something about this particular brand of fund raising that makes me trust it less. It feels like those clipboard people all go back to the same 'Charity Inc. Headquarters' at the end of each day and put their dollars in a big pot and cackle away. Like it's just a job. Not a passion. Like it could be any charity. Any t-shirt.

So call me an a-hole if I snub one of you clipboard people on the street! It's not me that's that a-hole! It's you! Pushing your cause in my face with terrible guilt ridden dickish questions that are hard to ignore! If you want to go on the street to scrounge up some money for a good cause that's your friggin business! Why does it have to be mine too?!

Yes, I'm grumpy scroogey today-- but I just caught a look from one of these clipboard kids as I walked by in my hurry! A sneer almost! Like, I'm one of the bad guys! I'm not a bad guy!!! I'm a good guy! A great guy!!! And I actually was in a big hurry today.Yeah!.. to ummm... get home... and ummm... say hi to my dog and... write this thing...and eat... carrots... and... umm... hmmm.... uch maybe I am a bad guy...

ok bye!