The Great and Fortunate Wind
So the other day I was at some outdoor cafe with Roscoe at my feet reading a magazine. Doing like real life relaxing type thing. Anyway, this ridiculously cute looking waitress comes over to take my order. She had red hair and was wearing a flowy white sundress with flowers on it. If we were in a cheesy movie she'd be in slow motion totally. She said hello and bent down to pet Roscoe. I caught a glimpse down her dress and I saw she had freckles in her cleavage. I like freckles. I like cleavage. I saw her bra. That was nice too.
I wanted to say something to her to get a conversation going but I never know where to start. People tell me I should just be myself-- but I think "myself" really isn't my best first impression. I mean if I am really being "myself" when first meeting someone--- I am stuttery and weird. That's myself. That's not so hot. It's my second impression that's half-way decent. If I could make my second impression my first-- I'd be all set. Whatever. I ended up babbling something about Roscoe that wound down into awkward silence and her asking to take my order.
I ordered a coffee and a chicken salad sandwich. She wrote it down and walked off. As soon as I said chicken salad I felt like it was a mistake order. What message does chicken salad really send to her? Chicken and salad? That doesn't sound tough and manly! Why not order tofu with pink sprinkles? I should have ordered something tough! Like a burger!! A burger sends the message that if were trapped in the jungle together-- I'd be able to kill a boar! A jungle boar! Chicken salad guys don't kill jungle boars! I exposed myself as a non-boar killer! A non-provider in case of ultimate emergency! Uch! I might as well just come out and told her that if we got trapped in the jungle I'd probably just gather up some poisonous berries and we'd die in the rain because our shelter will be too flimsy stand up to a gentle breeze!!! That's chicken salad!
After a while she comes walking towards me with my sandwich. I really was sort of struck dumb by how dang pretty and graceful she was-- and a little upset at myself for being so inept at picking up chicks. I wish I knew how to put normal words together to let her know how friggin super duper awesome I am--- but the only way I know to send the message that I'm super duper awesome is by outright blurting, 'I'm friggin super duper awesome!!!' ...which obviously does not convey that message properly.
Anyway, we have another friendly quick chat and she goes walking off. Sigh. I watched her sundress move and flow. Really kind of hypnotic. And then... out of the clear blue.... this gust of wind came and blew her dress up! The wind practically blew it up over her head hockey style! I was like, 'No way!!! Awesome!!!' I totally got to see her butt!!! Totally! Full butt! She was wearing a thong too! She struggled all cute to push her dress down while I marveled at her butt-- and my good fortune!! Happy day!! Happy moment!!! After a half-second or two (that seemed like an hour or two) she got her dress under control and looked back at me. She saw I saw what I saw. She smiled embarrassed. I smiled back embarrassed and looked down. She went back inside.
I took a bite into my chicken salad sandwich and toasted my coffee to beauty... and wind.