It started off normal. I'd swing by the deli. Pick up a few things including a little plastic container of watermelon chunks. No big whoop. Usually $2.50 or something like that. But those watermelon chunks went really fast. Seemed to disappear in like two seconds. Sometimes I'd even sip the juice that bottom. I'd stare at the empty container wishing there was more. Mad at myself for not buying two watermelon chunk things. It's a nice fat-free type snack, right? Why can't I eat as much as I want?
So then I smartened up and started buying two. But two soon became three (one for later I thought) but that "one for later" ended up being nowheres near later but much closer to right after. So then it was four. Four things of watermelon chunks! And I'd burn through them all no problem. For a few days the chunk gorging became a habit. At night. After dinner. Four plastic containers of watermelon chunks. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp! Done. Gulp. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp! Done. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp! Done. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp. Oomp! Done!! Gulp!
Finally I did the math on my chunk habit. I was spending $10 a day!! On watermelon chunks! Then that means I was spending $70 a week on watermelon chunks! Which adds up to over $575 a month! Which is over $13,000 a year! On watermelon chunks! Right?... wait... whatever.
I knew I had to get this situation undercontrol or I'd be homeless surrounded by empty containers of watermelon chunks. I had to stop being spoiled buying the stupid pre-chunked chunks. I started buying the full on slice of watermelon. But those big slices were kind of expensive too! I realized I didn't like eating traditional 'slices' of watermelon. I like chunks. I wanted the chunks!! But I simply can't afford the chunks. There was only one thing to do. Make my own chunks.
So the other night I went to the store and bought a whole giant watermelon. I carried it five blocks on my shoulder like I just climbed a watermelon tree and chopped it down with a machete. So much watermelon! I was psyched by my smarts! I got home and I cut a slice off my watermelon in a big round slice. Then I cut the red part out in a big circle. And then I cut that slice into chunks. I do this everyday. A whole watermelon lasts maybe three days...
I'm wondering if maybe I should start buying two.
PS. The other day someone was over and they saw I had a big giant watermelon jammed in my fridge (I actually had to remove a shelf to make it fit and it was like the only thing in my fridge). He was like, "Dude, what's with the watermelon...' I was like, 'What about it!? FU! I'm saving money! I don't have a problem! And no you can't have any so don't even ask!!!' He was like, 'Whatever... By the way, those things are loaded with sugar. Eating all that watermelon will probably make you fatter...' I was like, "Is that true?!?! Shut up! You're just jealous of me and my watemelon!! GET OUT!!!!"
PPS. This is the 666th What's Happening... maybe I'm possessed by the watermelon devil?