I Don't Want to Talk to Your Kid!
Ok. I like kids. They're funny and cool and goofy and all that. I get it. And I do like talking to my nephews and niece on the phone. It's sometimes fun. I'm interested in their day and it's strange for me to hear their conversational skills improve and develop as they get older. And it's extra cute to hear the little one tell stories that I can't really follow. Fine.
That being said, I gotta say... I don't like talking to other people's kids! A few of my friends (forgive me those friends) have a habit mid-conversation of saying, 'Hey! Say Hi to Little Bobby (or whatever). Bobby say hi to Todd!' And before I can say, 'No! Don't put your kid on the phone!!' I'm stuck in a conversation like this...
Bobby: (shy) hehwhoa...
Me: (half-groaning half-chipper) Hi Bobby...!
Bobby: Who's this?
Me: Todd. I'm a friend of your dads.
Me: Todd. Hey Bobby umm... What did you do today?
Todd: Todd. What did you do today, Bobby?
Bobby: Who me?
Todd: (Yes dammit yes! Take the play-doh out of your ears!) What did you do?
Bobby: First I went to see the (incoherent babble) and then went with (incomprehensible) Elmo Thomas (indecipherable babble) after that we gonna go to the goo to see monkey with goo monkey goo.. (incoherent mumbling)...
Todd: Oh! Cool! I like monkeys! Great! Hey, can you put your dad back on the phone?
Todd: Can I talk to daddy again now?
Bobby: You want to tawk to daddy?
Todd: Yes please. Bye Bobby!
Bobby: Ok. (Screams into phone right in my ear.) DADDY!!!
Then I hear the phone drop. A half-minute later the friend gets back on the phone and I yell at him for putting me on the phone with his kid.
So here's the new rule you parents out there: Unless it's a blood relative, you are not allowed to put your kid on the phone with someone until they are ten years old. Then maybe there could be conversation there. Under ten, and it's boring and annoying and as pointless for me as if I put you on the phone with my dog.
I like your kid. I care about what goes on with your kid. I just don't need to hear it directly from your kid. Just because you gotta go off and do something doesn't mean you can put our conversation on hold by handing the phone to your kid. Just call me back. I understand your kid is very cute and all that but I can't understand half the things it says and the other half I really could care less about.
Maybe I'm a dick or whatever but I get enough kid phone chat from my nephew and niece-- so don't need your four-year old yammering in my ear for five minutes when I just called to get you to email me something! At least ask first to see if it's ok with me! Just don't hand the phone over. Next time you put your kid on the phone without my permission I'm gonna hand the phone to my dog and they can friggin have a friggin phone staring contest!!
There I'm done. Sorry friends who do this. Don't mean to be a dick. But kid handoff without asking has got to stop. Just ask first! Maybe I'll say yes if I'm in the mood... it's unlikely.... but maybe. Chances are I'll just want em to call me back in 5-7 years.