Just For Men Attempt

I mentioned this in passing a few weeks ago but never told the story. So I figure I'd write it up umm... just because...

So I don't shave all that often. Maybe like once every few weeks or whatever. As soon as I start looking like a total ratty beard face I shave and go all smooth face. And for a while now my beard has had some grey in it. Coolio salt and pepper. But lately it's been getting like extra salty and less peppery. And when my stubble gets long-ish the grey is really apparent to the point where I've been getting new comments from people. Like, 'Wow! Look at you! So distinguished!' Or whatever. Umm... "Distinguished" means "older than the last time I saw you", right? One friend even told me that he could now picture what I'll look like as an old man. Thanks dick! But wtf! I'm in my friggin 30's! I shouldn't be walking around looking like a bald slouchy Santa gork, yet!

Anyway, I broke down and went down the street to the Rite-Aid to get myself some Just for Men. (I'll do anything to procrastinate!) I wasn't looking to dye my beard totally--- I wanted to see if it was possible to control the salt and pepper. Add more pepper or whatever. Highlight it... or darklight it. To keep it where it is. I got to the Rite-Aid and first thing I am was totally confused. There were too many Just for Men choices! Black color, dark brown, brown, light brown, ash brown, medium brown, light-medium brown! WTF! How they hell was I supposed to know what color my stubble hair is?

I picked medium brown and brought it home and looked at my beard. It didn't seem to match the box. I was definitely more of a dark brown. So I head back to the drug store and switch it up for dark brown. (Embarrassing.) I get back home again with dark brown and open the box. There was all sorts of stuff in there! Two kinds of goop in little tubes. A plastic tray thing. A brush thing. Another thing. A whole fold-out instruction thing. I was like, 'WTF! I thought this would be no-brainery. Now I gotta follow instructions?!' Turns out you gotta mix the goops together then brush it in or whatever. I was instantly annoyed by the mini-hassle.

But I do it and start brushing it in. Trying to do as little as possible to make sure I make it look "natural". But I started to notice the colors weren't matching up really. Like the Just for Men color was too flat or something. It looked really obvious to me. I kept going and doing a patch here and a patch there to balance it out. I stepped back and looked at myself. My face looked all spotty! Grey, dark brown and fake dark brown! I did some more and took a step back! Worse spotty face! I also noticed the dark brown color was on my cheeks and I started to panic it was dying my skin! I started freaking out. I knew it was all wrong! I couldn't deal with any of it!

So I hucked the whole kit in the garbage and jumped in the shower to scrub my face to make sure I wasn't dying my skin-- then I shaved. Clean face. Ahh. It was a big relief. I guess if you're looking to dye your whole beard it might be ok but it sure wernt for patch control.

So that was that. I guess I'll be a little more distinguished now and just shave a little more often. And hey, being a little distinguished has got to be better than a crazy patch face half-grey spotted beard gork...

ok bye!