The Case for Taking Mistaken Identity
So the other day I was walking back from dog park with Roscoe and there was this old lady sitting on her stoop up ahead.
She gave Roscoe a big hello as we approached. I didn't recognize her at all.
Here's how the conversation went:.....
Old Lady: Well, look who it is! I haven't seen you two in a while!
Old Lady: How's he doing?
(The old lady gives Roscoe pets and ear scratches)
Me: He's doing ok. Tired from dog park.
Old Lady: I bet. Hot day.
Me: Yeah is it supposed to stay this way all week?
Old Lady: I think so. So how have you been?
Me: Fine. How bout you?
Old Lady: Fine fine. You know you two have to stop by more often. You're always welcome.
Me: Oh? Thanks... so much.
(The offer was weirdly familar)
Old Lady: Just buzz the buzzer. I'm usually home.
Me: Oh!.. Ok... umm. Maybe we will... one day.
Old Lady: So... How's the wife?
(The conversation that took place in my head in one second is as follows)
My Brain: Wife?! Oh no! She thinks you're somebody else dude!
Me: I realize that! Don't you think I realize that!!
My Brain: What are we gonna do?! We're way deep into the conversation as this other guy! What should we do!?!
Me: Stop panicking! Shut up and let me think!
My Brain: That's my job! You shut up! I think!
Me: You're not doing it right!
My Brain: Well stop distracting me!
Me: C'mon this is a no-brainer, brain! Let's just tell her we're somebody else!
My Brain: No! No wait! I feel bad about that! She's old lady style confused! Just go along with it! Why not just let her think she had a pleasant conversation with a neighbor? Why spoil it by telling her you're not whoever the other person is-- and she might be demented! Who needs that?
Me: Why do you have to make everything so complicated!?
My Brain: Put it this way, if you actually had a wife you'd say she's fine even if you knew she didn't know you, right?! Why should that be changed by the fact that you don't have a wife in reality? If she's wacked out then she'll forget this conversation even happened! And if she's just mistaken then she'll just assume you're some guy who happens to have a wife!
My Brain: All I'm saying is there's nothing to gain from telling her that you're not him! She obviously doesn't know you that well anyway!
Me: She doesn't know me at all!
My Brain: Not you you! The guy who's not you!
My Brain: Just say your wife is fine! It's nicer! Don't out her as being out of it!
Me: You sure?
My Brain: Trust me! Your one second of overthink time is over!
Me: Ok Ok!
(Back to the old lady)
Me: She's fine. She's away...
(My Brain: Why'd you tell her she's away!! What was that?! Off script! Off script!)
Old Lady: Oh... Is everything ok?
Me: Yeah she's just uhh... traveling for a couple days.
(My Brain: Close it out! Close it out!)
Me: Well good seeing you.
Old Lady: Good seeing you too! Say hi to your wife..
Me: Will do!
We walk off down the street...
(Back to my brain)
My Brain: Great job. You just lied to an old lady.
Me: What? You told me to lie! You said it was better...
My Brain: Whatever liar. Anyway, you know what? Your dog looks like a dork with his new haircut. You're walking a dorky dog and you're wearing blue crocs like a fruit and you're slouching stand up straight! what was it that you said you were gonna pick up while you are out that you keep forgetting? look at that girls butt why did you buy a rotary phone off the street the other day that was dumb you should have a tag sale soon did you shut off the coffee maker i bet the apartment burned down why did you never learn to play banjo you'd probably be good at that you're lazy shouldn't we be home working or something where is our space program at what's the story with those guys at nasa pay your rent you should exercise more your calves are too skinny you should exercise your calves or is it calfs no calves google that later you have a dentist appointment on thursday did you hear silver fillings are poison oh well sucks for you steal the new beck later what day is today what day was yesterday what time is it i want an iced coffee you da man nice belly, bellyboy we should buy goober grape no scratch that guess what...