The Titillating Logic of Finding Car Keys
So over the weekend I was walking down my street with Roscoe minding my own business and I found a set of car keys smack in the middle of the sidewalk. They were rental car keys (I could tell by the bulky keychain) and it had the alarm door unlock buttony thing. They were apparently freshly dropped because they were right in the middle of the sidewalk. Maybe the person who dropped em was gonna come back and look for em or something? I thought about walking past them and continuing to mind my own business.
But I picked them up. Had to. On the keychain it said the car was a Ford Fusion. I looked around for a Ford car-- then feeling slightly criminal I pushed the doorlock button. Boop boop. Five cars away this grey Ford said hello to me. I was like, 'Yup. That's that over there.' Boop boop. Immediately the long-lost criminal deep inside of me started chiming in on how to deal with the situation.
Here's what the conversation was like:
Criminal in my head: Ok dude. Relax relax. Here's how we're gonna play it...
Me: We're not "playing" anything!
Criminal in my head: I know I know just hear me out. This is good. We don't have to hot wire anything...
Me: Hotwire? Since when do know how to do that...
Criminal in my head: I know I know. Relax. I'm just making a point that it's easier to steal when you have the keys...
Me: I'm not stealing that car!
Criminal in my head: I know I know. Hear me out. Relax.
Me: I'm relaxed!
Criminal in my head: I know. Me too. Ok. That car's probably worth what... three-G's at the chopshop?
Me: Three-G's?! Chopshop? Why would you think you know anything about that? Plus, mayyybe $1500 at the most...
Criminal in my head: You think? I'm thinking twenty five hundge...
Me: We don't know!
Criminal in my head: I know I know. Relax relax. Just hear me out. Here's the play. We take the car and...
Me: I'm not taking the car!
Criminal in my head: But the G's! At the chopshop!
Me: We don't know anything about 'G's and 'chopshops'!!!
Criminal in my head: OK ok. You're probably right.
Me: It's not probably!
Criminal in my head: Right. Let me think... Ok. We don't wanna get into it with the fuzz...
Me: The 'Fuzz'? What era are you from?
Criminal in my head: Ok! Got it! Go check out the car and see if there's any jewels inside. You can swipe them all casual...
Me: I'm not swiping and 'jewels' from the car! Would you leave me alone! Why would there be jewels in there anyway?!
Criminal in my head: Right. Longshot. Longshot. Ok. Hubcaps. Boom! 1-2-3-4 and we're out of there! We take them to the Bronx and...
Me: Why would finding car keys motivate me to steal the hubcaps... off a Fusion?! I can steal hubcaps from any car on this street!
Criminal in my head: Good point, partner! See now we're thinking...ok ok relax relax... Which car? The beemer? They gotta be worth an easy hundge...
Me: I'm not stealing any hubcabs today off some 'beemer' today! Would you shut up!!!?
Anyway, that was that with the criminal conversation. The key finding actually did turn into a bit of a hassle though.
I called the Roadside Assistance number and while being annoyingly on hold for like 3 minutes (I thought I should just leave the keys on the car, in the car, under the seat, over the sun visor-- all of which got shot down because to put the keys in an obvious place-- it might lead to the car getting stolen. And hiding them in the car made no sense at all...) Finally, roadside assistance picked up and I told them I found the keys. He thanked me and asked if it was ok for the people to call me when they get in touch with them. It seemed a little personal but I agreed.
I brought the keys back to my apartment and a couple hours went by. The keys sitting in the other room like unwanted guests. I started to get annoyed because I had to go into the city and didn't know if I should bring the keys with me or arrange for them to be somewhere so when they call they can get them from wherever. Slightly mad at myself for good samaritaning myself into a fresh mini hassle.
Before I headed out some guy's angry wife called thanking me for finding the keys because she was 'about to kill her husband'. I gave her my address and dude came over looking all shamed and stuff. I handed him the keys and he was disappointedly unworshipful of my uber niceness. But whatever. At least, I got rid of them and shut down any thoughts of criminal activity before I... before I... eh who am I foolin... I'm no crook.
Criminal in my head: Not yet! Let me think...