Roscoe's Therapy Audition

So Roscoe seems to cheer people up alot so I decided it would be nice to share him with people who need cheering up. He seems to be especially good with people in wheelchairs. Like there's this one neighborhood wheelchair chick who zooms around town and she likes Roscoe alot. Roscoe does paws in the lap and face licks and it turns her day around no matter what. He's also pretty good with kids except he pushes them over sometimes when he gets friendly.

Anyway, I signed him up to be a 'Therapy Dog' so he could hang out with people who need smiles or whatever. But the first step was he needed to pass a test to make sure he's not mental lunatic or a rabid biter or whatever. The audition was yesterday in this church basement a mile away or whatever.

The instructions were this:

Please bring to your evaluation:
  - 4-6 foot leash (leather, cotton, or nylon – not a flexi lead)
  - Brush or comb
  - Flat buckle collar or harness (no prong or pinch collar, no choke or slip collar)
  - Rewards:  small, easy to swallow treats and your dog’s favorite toy
  - Vaccination records
  - Dog should be groomed (brush-out, nails trimmed, teeth clean)

I packed all that stuff and we walked over together. I gave Roscoe a peptalk along the way telling him he needs to be good and not stupid and stuff. We get there and there's a bunch of other dogs. A beagle, a bernese, and a visla. I say hello to the people and the dogs who all seemed nice and then the organizer said it was time for Roscoe's evaluation. When the organizer chick approached Roscoe he got scared or something and totally peed on the floor on the spot! I yelled at him he got angry or something and rolled in the urine puddle to spite me! I apologized and asked for paper towels but before I could even start cleaning it up Roscoe ran at the beagle and started to hump him which made the beagle howl in protest. When the bernese came by to try and stop the sexual assault Roscoe totally diarrhea-ed! Right in his face. At this point, I started to explaining that Roscoe's never like that but nobody believed me.

Finally I pulled him off the beagle but not before he vomited all over the dog's back. Then Roscoe got free and ran upstairs into the church which was having a wedding. He took off down the aisle making projectile diarrhea while running which was weird to see. Like rocket fuel. The organ lady saw the diarrhea and she threw up on her organ which made a broken moaning sound. When Roscoe made it up to the altar he tried to hump the bride and she ran away Roscoe ripped her dress off and everyone saw her underwear then Roscoe knocked over the altar and urinated all on the bible which wasn't the worst thing because the candle had set it on fire.

ok bye!


PS. OK that's not exactly what happened.... ummm... at all.

Surprisingly, Roscoe passed the test with flying colors! First the organizer asked me to show her Roscoe's tricks. I showed her his famous 'sit'. He did that boom plop. Then I showed his 'paw' and 'other paw' and 'now other paw' and 'other paw' and 'now other paw' and 'now other paw ok other paw'. Which is really the extent of Roscoe's talents. She asked if Roscoe knows 'lie down' which is sort of kind of knows but rarely ever does it. When I asked him to do it. He did it right away! I was like, 'Holy smokes!' Totally surprised! Then she asked if he knows 'stay' and 'come'. I told her not really but we tried that out too and he totally did it on the first try! He stayed and comed!

At that point I was sort of pissed because he like almost never does that stuff for me! Like he resents it when I ask. But for this tryout he was like showing off! He's been holding out on his hidden talents for the right moment? After passing the other tests like, 'Look out dog! Coming at you with a walker! Look out!' and 'Wheelchair wheeling atcha! Can you deal with it?' and 'Umbrella in your face! Boof! Freak out or no freak out?' and 'I'm gonna take a treat out of your mouth. Are you gonna be a dick about it?' all with no problemo. Roscoe was stamped approved to be a gold star therapy dog!

His first session isn't for like a month but he's all good to go! Coolio!

ok bye again!


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