The Poop Swoop

(In the new year I promise to go easy on dog stories! But it's still 2009! The year of the dog!)

So yesterday morning I was walking Roscoe down the street listening to music. I had the stupid ear buds in my ears connected to my Samsung Eternity cellphone (which btw sucks because to get music onto it you have to connect using their 'Samsung PC Studio' program and it's total crap software plus the only decent game is stupid Tiger Woods Golf and that game sucks because it's too hard to putt.) Anyway, Roscoe squats to do his business and I stoop down like a stupe to pick up the poop which was loose-ish. Ew. Anyway as I'm picking it up, one of the ear buds yanks out of my ear and I sort of snag it out of the way and throw it around my neck and finish picking up the poop. 

After throwing the bag in the trash, I take the fallen earbud and stick it back in my ear. And as soon as I stuck it in-- it felt a little weird. Like a little bit... slick. My heart murmured. I yanked it out and looked at it--- sure enough I could see mud or something in the mesh screen of the earbud. I smelled it and almost literally threw up. Yup... f--kin fecal.  The ear bud must have swooped into the wet poop and I didn't notice! I seriously almost fainted on the spot because I was so disgustified. I stood there in blank faced denial stunned by what had just happened. Plus, I didn't know what to do! What is the proper response to getting doody in your ear!? I didn't wanna go all touching my ear or putting my finger in my ear because that might like jam it down in there further-- and I didn't like the idea of that. And my hands were still undookified as far as I knew. Hummuna.

I stood in the street with a grossout grimace. I knew I needed to go home immediately. I couldn't pretend nothing serious just happened and continue on my way. So I speedwalked (was seriously considering running) back to my house (btw throwing the $25 ear buds in the trash on the way). And as I speedwalked along, I had to use every bit of my mental power to ignore the psychosomatic tingle which was slowly becoming a psychosomatic heat as I imagined all the horrible potential outcomes of getting doody in your ear. (gag)

I stomped up the stairs in a daze and stripped down naked and went straight in the shower. I barely gave it time to heat up. Fortunately, I have one of those shower massager handle thingees and I immediately stuck the thing against the side of my head like a friggin telephone and just stood there for like 5 minutes flooding my whole head with water.

Then I got out. Dried off. Got redressed and headed out the door again to finish the morning walk. Roscoe staring at me like, 'Let me get this straight. We were walking along. All of a sudden you stopped and stood there staring out into space. Then we speedwalked home so you can strip naked and blast water into your head. Then you got redressed and we headed out again. I'm clear on what just happened right?'

Right. Sorta... Ew.

ok bye!



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